


See you soon, racoon

by LJT



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Best Friends, Eventual Smut, F/F, Falling In Love, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Minor Character Death, No Lexa/Costia relationship, Sex, Shy Lexa (The 100)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2019-02-11 00:42:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 50,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12923634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LJT/pseuds/LJT
Summary: Lexa and Clarke were best friends in highschool. What they don´t know: they are also madly in love with each other since day one - at least, they never told each other. But it´s time to leave for college and both are too scared to lose each other.Life happens. Years pass. Feelings never fade.My first fanfiction ever - be gentle please? :DAnd English isn´t my first language, but I´m trying. I just had this idea and... well. we´ll see.On hold until further notice. I'll finish it, I promise.





	1. Chapter 1

# See you soon, racoon…

#### Lexa.

#### 

She has always been able to fit in wherever she went. And she didn´t even have to try for that. She just kept being herself and it seems, that everyone around her changed when she entered the room. People got better, smiled and laughed more, tried harder. She had that talent, this power of making everywhere she went her natural habit without adapting. She just fit. 

I can´t describe it any other way. I´ve known her for four years and that´s the first thing I´ve grown to adore. 

Everything she does seems full of confidence. Like nothing could shatter her faith and she could do anything. She didn´t care about other people and their stupid opinions. She did what she wanted and never looked back. No regrets, no second guessing, no failures – straight forward, head held high and constantly smiling. That´s how I see her. 

I always admired her for that. But I never got to tell her. 

Okay, that´s a lie. I had many chances, but I let them slip. Why? Because I´ve always been this scared little puppy full of fear. And I thought I would have a whole life to do that.  
So when she left my chance faded into nothing. All that´s left is regret. She deserved to know the things I kept to myself – all of them.  
My admiration for her. My thankfulness for our friendship. And my love. 

She saved my life. More than once. Truthfully, she saved it every day. 

I´ve always been small, tiny, had nasty pimples until I turned fifteen, wore braces and seemed to never fit in. I´ve been that kid that got pushed around on the hallways at school, whose books got shoved form the desks. Wearing glasses and having perfect grades probably didn´t help. 

It stopped – at least most of it – when I met her. 

She was the complete opposite. Literally. She seemed to fit everywhere but in my life.

Her wavy, soft, blonde hair always gleamed as if it was sunkissed. Crystal blue eyes, whose shade changed with the light. Sometimes it was colored ocean blue, sometimes like the endless sky itself. Perfect lips, perfect skin. And a smile that could light up a whole room – at least for me.

She transferred during eight grade and took the empty seat beside me. That´s it.  
God, she was so beautiful. Like out-of-the-world-beautiful. 

And she just smiled at me, saying „Hi, I´m Clarke.“ 

„L-lexa.“, I managed to stutter. I tried really hard to not keep staring at her for the rest of the class. Let´s say, I failed. 

She could have been friends with anyone. For real. All the girls wanted her to be part of their group, because she´s really pretty and funny and smart and brave. And the guys… Well, either the same reason or the armcandy-thing. She would always be so much more than that. 

And the strange thing was, that she didn´t care about all the people who interrogated her for her interests or stumbled over their own feet because they were so absent, that they didn´t even watch where they were going. No. She didn´t care about the cheerleaders’ invitation to join them for lunch and practice. 

Instead, she asked me – ME – to show her to her next class. She wanted to sit with me for lunch. Even if it meant to join me outside on some bench. 

And Clarke – damn, I really, really love her name. Well, Clarke kept talking like nonstop. She told me why her family moved, talked about her stupid little brother Aden, about her Mom Abby, the doctor, and about her friendship-like relationship with her dad Jake, who sadly had a lot to travel for his job. By the end oft the day it seemed to me like I had known her for my whole life. And I loved that feeling. 

To be honest I felt honored that she chose me. But at the same time I was scared – that she would notice how much of nerd I was, that I would bore her to death. But mostly that she would notice how lonely I´ve been and that she would leave.

She stayed. All those years until graduation and even for the summer after. She put up with my strange music taste, my dislike for crowded rooms or partying, even my stupid comics. She never pushed me, never betrayed me and always accepted me for who I am. 

And now she´s on that damn plane and leaving me behind. She said I could join her. She asked me that about a hundred times over the last schoolyear. And still…

I won´t forget the look in her eyes, when she ended the last hug and was about to turn away. The unspoken sadness that filled those blue eyes I´ve grown to adore. They never looked like this before. I don´t even know what it meant. But it was my fault and I can´t stop thinking about it. Because I am stuck in my damn head and I never even tried. 

So I turn around and I leave that stupid airport behind. My feet drag me back to my car but I barely register it. I climb back behind the steering wheel and I drive with tears in my eyes. Damn. 

It´s the exact same feeling I had when I was fourteen and she had just transferred. The deep fear of hurt, of loosing someone I care about.  
What if that´s it? What if our friendship ends right here and now, with me fear-driven decision of staying behind because I´ve always felt like she was ten steps ahead of me? Like I could never reach her und kept holding her back? 

That´s one of the things I never told her. Mostly because I know what she would have said. That I´m stupid and wonderful and that she loves me for who I am. I know that. 

Except that our definitions of love are very different. And every time I think about that, it breaks my heart a little. But I can´t change how I feel about her or myself. Especially about me in comparison to her. It´s dumb, I know that, too. But it´s what I do, what I´ve always done. 

So I keep driving with an old AC/DC song, that would make her roll her beautiful eyes, all turned up, hoping it would deafen my feelings for a little while. Or forever, I´m not picky. 

 

\----------------

#### Clarke.

#### 

It´s breaking my heart. Truthfully a lot of things are, but seeing her open her mouth as if she was about to say something and closing it just a second later… 

It makes me want so say it. This one thought that keeps crossing my mind whenever I look into her eyes. 

I can´t make out when it started. But I like to think it was the second I laid eyes on her. 

Thinking about that day helps a little as I take a few steps away from her, smile and wave and say something meaningless like “See you soon, Woods.” I don´t say, what I want to – see you soon, racoon. Our insider. The small sentence, that guaranteed the truth. The slight change in our goodbye doesn´t go unnoticed. I hate myself for that.

Her beautiful face, sadly smiling is the second thing that breaks my heart. Don´t be a stranger, I beg silently. But deep down I know, that I will be the one, who´s going to be that stranger. Because I can´t bear it any longer. 

Although I hate me for even thinking that, I have to be honest: I´m relieved, that she chose another college. Even if we used to dream about sharing a room and being friends forever. Even if there´s nothing in this world I would love to do more. But being with her and at the same time not being able to be with her the way I want… I just can´t anymore. 

So I go on that plane and take my seat. 

Some people look at me strangely and it bothers me until I realize why. Silent tears keep running down my cheeks and I´m not able to stop them. Hell I can´t even wipe them away. 

I´m crying because I´m leaving her behind. Because it feels like an end and not like a new beginning. Because I´m breaking my heart and most of all: because Lexa will never know.

I pull out my phone to shut it off. A part of me hopes to see a text from her, but there is none. So I´m staring at the selfie we took at the beach this summer. 

Shit, that´s the dumbest idea right now. 

“You alright there?” A voice suddenly asks. 

I turn my head and look right into dark brown eyes. The Latina next to me is watching me with concern written all over her face. 

I manage to nod and wipe my tears with the sleeve of my hoodie. Lexas hoodie, to be true. She gave it to me a few weeks ago, because she insisted it looked better on me. Can´t say she´s right. Everything looks perfect on her. 

“You sure?” 

“No.” I answer honestly. “But thanks.” 

“Yeah, no problem. I´m Raven by the way.”

“Clarke.”

“Pretty long flight. What are you up to?” She asks. 

I think about lying. Or saying nothing at all. But hey, distraction is good, right? I have to try.

“I´m starting college in two weeks. And you?”

“Same. Been working with my uncle for the last two years and now that I´ve got enough cash, I thought better leave this town now or never.” 

“So you´re from Polis?” 

“Not originally, I moved here after Highschool for working. But you are? Strange we´ve never met. I´m sure I would have remembered you.” She continues. 

She´s direct, but I can deal with that. “I take that as a compliment.”

\-------------------


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little time jump :)

###  Chapter 2 

#### 4 years later…

Clarke.

“Griffin! Move your ass and help us!”

I roll my eyes at my annoying roommate that I´ve learned to love. Octavia can be rough and she´s got a tough attitude, but she´s like a not fully baked cookie – soft and sweet on the inside. 

The us she refers to consists of her and Raven, whom I didn´t really get rid of after that fateful flight – that´s what she likes to call the night with me crying on a plane. No, I´ve grown to love her like a sister. 

The inseparable three musketeers – that´s what Octavia calls us. 

Moving in together after college seems like the right thing for all of us. The only thing that I hate about it, is the city they chose and outvoted me on. 

Polis. My hometown. The place on earth I avoided as far as it was possible over the last four years. I only went back to my brother’s birthdays and for Christmas. Airport, cab, home, cab, airport. Nothing more. And Ray and O accompanied me the whole time. 

Not once in those years Lexa and I have met. We talked for a few months on the phone after I left for college, then continued mostly writing short and somehow empty messages before our friendship faded with the wind. I blame myself for that. It´s not like she didn´t try.

The first year of college I avoided going home entirely. I found lots of lame excuses. After that my Mom wouldn´t let me do that, saying my brother misses his big sister and all that. At that time she didn´t know, that Lexa and I had almost completely stopped talking. Just a few texts here and there and we took days to answer. I could almost hear Moms bright smile trough the telephone when she told me Lexa would be home too. 

What she didn´t know too, was that this simple information send me totally over the edge. I panicked over having to meet my best friend. 

So I brought Raven and Octavia with me, hoping they could shield me from the awkwardness and all the other stupid feelings I would have to face. But I didn´t need to. Because Lexa left – to where I don´t know. Since that Christmas we haven´t spoken at all. Not one call, one mail or one text. 

Let´s say, it makes me hate going home, because it doesn´t feel like it anymore. Everything reminds me of her and of me ruining it. 

So here we are. Raven, Octavia and I, moving the last boxes of belongings into our new flat. Three bedrooms, two bathrooms – one is mine, because they think that´s enough making up for dragging me back here – and a large living room with an open kitchen. Even a rather large balcony we can call our own now.  
I help carrying the last boxes of Ravens stuff into her room and fall dramatically on our couch. 

“Hey, get yourself together. You are not going to die. And besides, you don’t even know if she´s still here, right? Maybe she left.” Raven tells me. 

Octavia shakes her head. She knows I don’t want to hear that. It´s been eight years and I´m still struggling. I can´t even manage a relationship. At the end I have to admit, that my feelings aren´t enough. My heart belongs to someone else. This way I´ve already broken three hearts. 

First in line was Finn. I´ve met him back in Highschool. We dated a few months and he was perfect. But you can´t change your heart, right?

Second was Bellamy. Octavia´s big brother. We met during college at my favorite Coffeeshop, where I borrowed his charger for my phone. Let´s say, Octavia wasn´t as thrilled to have us dating, as we would have wished, but she accepted it after a few weeks. Bell is a handsome and really sweet guy. We dated for about a year, but somewhere along the way we both realized, we worked better as friends than as a couple. We still are friends and I am really grateful for that. 

And last spring I met Niylah. She´s owner of a bookstore that I made my second home when I wasn´t working or studying. I liked her way of seeing the world. Somehow it reminded me of Lexa and maybe that alone would have been reason enough to not even try. What we had wasn´t emotional or anything. We kept it casual and ended it before I moved. 

Still, after all these years, there´s only one person on my mind before I sleep. Lexa. 

I´ve still got the same screensaver, the hoodie and even that bracelet she gave to me when I turned sixteen. You don´t forget your first love, right? 

It´s just that it feels like she´s the only one. And she doesn´t even know that. 

I think about Ravens words and I can´t decide whether I hope she´s right or not. 

Polis without her seems empty. She was the first person I met at school who seemed honest. That´s why I “chose” her, like Lexa calls it. Or used to call it. I´m not sure which version is the right one. 

I still remember everything about the day I met her. 

 

\--------------

#### 8 years ago

I am nervous. Not like I will let anyone notice that, but I still am. 

Aden, my little brother, is very different on that case. He´s excited and talking nonstop. Hell, he is five years old. Of course he is. Moving to the other side of a country at fourteen is a very different level of significance. 

That´s it. My new school. People keep watching me like I am their personal revelation, while I follow the map the director gave me. 

Math. I hate math. I try not to believe in something like bad luck, but sometimes – especially now – that´s really really hard. 

The teacher, Marcus Kane, seems nice but from the look in his dark eyes I know that I´ll have to work my ass off for this subject. But that´s nothing new. 

I introduce myself to the class and make my may to the only free desk next to a really beautiful girl with emerald green eyes hidden behind glasses. That´s my first impression. She likes to hide herself – but for what reason? Her jawline is magnificent. I´d really like to draw her face and I haven´t drawn in a while.

“Hi, I´m Clarke.” I say. Well, okay, my mind needs to improve a lot if I want to get to know her. And I really do. 

“L-lexa.” Oh my god, her voice is melodic and warm and… angelic. Holy crap, Griffin, get it together, I think. Hopefully she doesn´t notice the train of thoughts in my head. 

But she doesn´t. After class I ask her to show me to the next one and I´m not sure if I can hide my excitement when I learn, that we have almost all our classes together. 

A lot of people are strangely nice to me, but in a groveled way I just can´t stand. 

So I kind of stalk Lexa for the rest of the day. I´m not quite sure if that´s okay with her, because she doesn´t join the other students for lunch. Instead she chooses a bench right outside.

“…You know, I hated the idea of moving. Dad said, it´s the right thing and he´s happy with his promotion. And Aden can´t stop talking or should I say babbling about the treehouse in the backyard. But as soon as I learned that the beach is just a few hundred meters away…” I stop talking. I know I have been rambling for about the last twenty minutes. 

Lexa looks up, irritated at the sudden silence. “So you like the beach?” She asks.

And that´s the moment I like to refer as “the” moment I fell for her. I don’t quite know why. Because she´s got that bright, beaming smile on her lips? Because it´s the first time ever I´ve felt the sudden urge to kiss someone? Because a few thousand butterflies seem to make themselves a home in my stomach and I will sure as hell never get rid of them again? Or just because she listened to every word of my stupid rambling? 

“Y-yeah, I do. Especially in the mornings, just after the sun came up. I like the sound of the waves. And it´s the most beautiful thing to draw.” Except maybe you, I think.  
\-----------------

#### Present time.

That´s something that never changed. Whenever I´m lost in thoughts and keep a pencil close, I´ll draw her face. Or her eyes. 

I´ve got it bad, I know. 

It´s gotten worse since we made the decision of moving back to Polis. Mostly because everything in this city is somehow connected to her. The diner, where we used to go on Saturday mornings, the cinema, where I watched every comic related movie, because she loved comics. And the beach of course.

It doesn´t help that our apartment is basically at the other end of the street she used to live in. three streets away from my parents’ house. 

“So, what´s the plan for tonight? We gonna head out or stay in? Cause I vote for pizza and a movie. My back hurts as hell and there´s no way I can restore my beauty today.”

“Oh, poor Ray.” Octavia teases with a sassy and cheeky smile. She earned an extremely annoyed look from Raven. 

“You know I can blast your beloved smoothie maker within seconds, right?” Raven hit back. 

“Is that a threat?” Challenged O right away. 

I have to step in at that point because discussions like this tend to lead to giant pillow fights all over the apartment. But since we´re in the middle of moving in there are about twenty boxes standing around and I don´t want to spend the first night here driving one of them to the hospital. 

“Stop it. Pizza it is. O, you order and Ray, you do the tech stuff so we can watch properly.”

“Sir, yes Sir!” Both answer in unison. 

I hate them. I really do. 

I gave up sighing or rolling my eyes a long time ago. That´s waste of energy when you´re friends with people who LOVE to bicker about anything or nothing at all. 

But I love them nevertheless. Most of the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just can´t stop writing right now, it´s crazy. Next chapter we´ll learn about lexa ! 
> 
> Let me know, what you think. :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We learn about Lexa :)

Lexa.

 

Friday nights are my favorite. I´ve got time to read my current book, drink some wine and feel somehow grown up. 

Then there´s still an hour left for writing. Sitting on the floor, notes scattered all across the table by the couch or even the couch itself, too, laptop on, music playing – it´s the place I´m the happiest. 

And after that Anya shows up, to drag me downtown to our favorite bar. 

I met Anya during college, we had a few classes, though she focused on the marketing part. And when I finished my first book, she was the one who encouraged me to try to publish it. Later she became my agent, but above all: my best friend.

She´s living just around the block, a few minutes from here. But somehow, she seems to like my apartment more, because she´s always here. Mostly, that´s okay. I don´t mind company, as long as I´m able to write some more. It´s all I ever wanted. It´s all I can do.

I spent the day like every other Friday. 

I got up at seven, went for long run on the beach, grabbed something to eat on the way back home, showered, had a short breakfast and a coffee or two. 

Later I did some cleaning and other apartment related stuff (mostly: sitting on the couch, trying to convince myself to finally do something). I´m not exactly lazy, just not really motivated in all the grown-up duties. 

Tuesday and Friday afternoon, I always visit the children in Polis hospital and read a few stories for them. It´s something I´ve been doing since Highschool and it keeps me focused somehow. 

Today there was this small boy Roan, his face covered in scars from a car accident two weeks ago. He hasn´t spoken since then. The little boy looked so damn terrified. He listened to literally every word I said and his sad little blue eyes never left my face. When it was time to leave, he asked quietly, if I would come back next week. He even made me promise. To me, it´s a small victory and one more reason to keep going. So maybe it wasn´t an ordinary day after all.

For dinner I ordered pizza. Once more, the one with mushrooms and peperoni, though I don´t like them. And again, it was too much for me. 

My life is not exactly thrilling. 

But I love my routines, always have. They give me confidence and peace. Because Anya knows that, she tries to break me out as much as she can. Because that´s how she works. Always against the rules. Sometimes I wonder, why we are even friends.

“Come on, you need some inspiration! Maybe some hot girl or some dancing? Spend some of your money?” She says today, arms crossed, while she is standing in my kitchen. She is used to take what she wants, so she gets herself a beer. I don´t even drink that. 

I don´t answer that. Anya knows me better than anybody else in this world. So her suggestion may work for her, but definitely not for me. I still don´t do that. 

“You´re boring, you know that?”

“Yeah. You told me so.”

“Please?” Now she´s trying to pout, but it doesn´t really work, so I go back to ignoring her, like I did in the beginning.

I take her sighing as acceptance and focus back on the chapter I´d like to get done today. It didn´t work out the way I planned it. Reading and drinking seemed easier. And the damn writers blockade drives me nuts. And I don´t want to go out. Drunk people I wouldn´t like sober, bad music, too loud to talk. Not my world. 

“Hey, Lex.” 

I stop typing immediately, fingers only a millimeter from the keyboard. Anya’s voice sounds concerned, cautious and careful, somewhat warily. And those are the last characteristic features she normally shows. 

“Spill.” 

She sits down at the other end of the couch, her hands intertwined. She´s nervous. Anya´s never nervous. So it must be bad news. Like “alien apocalypse” news.

“I´ve got to tell you something.” 

Yeah, I know that by now. But what is it? My mind starts racing on its own. 

“I don´t want you to freak out okay?”

“Can´t promise that, you know. But I´ll try.” I say sarcastically. 

I never freak. Except when it came to… Clarke and telling her about my feelings. See? I got better. At least I can think about it. Honestly it´s all I do while writing. 

“I saw Clarke today.” 

And bam, it hits me right where it hurts. Deep down where I buried those jumbled feelings of my teenage version, together with the more grown up feelings of my current self and those, I try not to think about every waking minute of my life.

“Why not? It´s her hometown.” I manage to answer, trying to put as much indifference in my voice as possible. As if that could work.

“She´s back. She moved home.” Anya continues, her eyes watching my face very concerned. She´s waiting for my freak out. Mentally I´m counting down from five to zero, waiting too.

But I don´t do that. Not anymore. It´s been four years since I´ve last seen her. My feelings may still be here, but I made good use of them. 

I´ve been to college, took a few classes in literature and writing and published my first book two years ago. My third is going to come out in December. I´ve published a bestseller. I´m living my dream. Who else can live of a broken heart? I´d say, that´s pretty great.

Except it´s not. Because Clarke always told me I could do it and that she would be the first in line to buy a copy. She never knew I made it. She never knew I made it without her. 

“Thanks for telling me.” I save my document and close my laptop. “Would you be mad if I don´t join you tonight? I just don´t feel like it.” I get up and leave the room, not bothering with collecting my notes. All I need right now is some space.

“Lex, wait-”

And my door slams shut.

Shit. I can´t 

Anya gives me about twenty minutes, before she follows me into my bedroom, where I sit on the sell and stare into the night. I always do that when something torments my mind. 

“Hey. You okay?” She says quietly. 

No, I´m not. How could I be? The girl I love has returned home, but I don´t want her here. I don´t want to see her face in person, I don´t want to hear her voice. 

I don´t look at my best friend. It´s not necessary for her to know how I feel. Clarke being home opens some wounds I never really managed to close. Damn, it´ll be great stuff for writing. I can practically see myself sitting at my stories for the rest of the night. And the weekend. And all my life. Because that´s what Clarke does to me. 

Anya´s never been one to cuddle or hug. She doesn´t to the “feelings-stuff” like she calls it. But she wraps her arms around me anyway. 

 

\----

 

The next morning I sit on the floor next to my couch as she drags herself out of my guestroom she likes to make her own. I told her she didn´t have to stay, but she did anyway. Should´ve seen that coming after her hug. 

She grabs herself a cup of coffee and a bowl of cereals, while I stare at my screen. My mind is somewhat fuzzy and blurred after writing the whole night. Or maybe because I poured myself another glass of wine for that (okay, I drank the whole bottle). But hey, at least I was productive. Can´t say that´s a bad thing. 

“Okay. You know, I´m tired. Tired of you sinking deeper into that melancholy thing you´re doing right now.” She announces suddenly. 

“I´m not doing anything except writing. Which by the way is my job. And because of this job I can afford this nice apartment, my car and a really cool tv you like to claim your property. And it pays your bills, too. So that melancholy thing seems to pay off.”

“You´ve been sitting there the whole night, right? Or should I say the last years? You wanna keep doing that forever? Because I´m not watching that. I allow you two options.”

“You allow?” I repeat, my eyebrows raised skeptically. That´s more of the Anya I know and love. Or should I say hate? I´m not quite sure right now. 

“One.” She proceeds like I hadn´t said anything. “You get up and tell your girl about your feelings. Or two, you suck it up and move on.”

The bad thing is: Anya´s right. I know that. I mean, I´ve already lost Clarke years ago. What´s the worst thing that could happen? Getting it out of my system by telling her can´t make anything worse. Maybe that is the best way. 

And sooner or later I´m going to meet her. On some random street or while buying groceries. Since she´s back in town that is bound to happen. 

But does it matter what I feel? We aren´t friends anymore. Clarkes´ first year of college meant the end to our friendship like I predicted. 

Sometimes I still think that´s my fault. I couldn´t keep up with the thrilling life she got to live. I stayed behind. And I´m still not fully convinced that she didn´t choose to me my friend out of pity. Back in highschool I was a nobody. Until she saw me. 

On the other hand, a lot of time has passed and I´ve come to accept myself. Yeah, I might not have been super exciting back then. I didn’t do big fancy parties and one-night stands. I don´t do that now. Fuck this. At least I was true to myself. That´s what matters most, right?

“So Lex. What´s it gonna be?” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the feedback! <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2 weeks forward and Jake makes a short appearance. We learn some more things about Lexa and Clarke.

#### Two weeks later. 

 

##### Clarke. 

 

I can´t say I´m feeling home. Even if I´ve unpacked completely and I´ve spend a lot of my free time with my family. But someone is missing and since I haven´t been home a lot over the last years I´m noticing it now even more. 

My job at the therapy center is really cool. The kids are (mostly) cute, my colleagues are amazing and I get to paint – at least somehow.  
When I decided against med-school, my parents weren´t exactly optimistic. Me neither, to be honest. But art therapy for kids? It´s the perfect happy medium – I get payed once per month and I can do something art related. And nothings stopping me from trying to pursue an artistic career in my free time. 

Everything is great. Who am I kidding? 

“You alright kid?” 

Dad makes his way towards me from the refrigerator, one of his forbidden energydrinks in his hands. Mom hates it when he drinks them. She likes to roll her eyes and sigh, when she catches him. I´ve always loved these little moments between them. Those are life goals. And sometimes I almost believe, I get to share something like that someday. 

Sometimes. Something. Someday. I smile sadly, while I think about those weak moments.

It´s friday morning, I´ve got the day off, because I´m not fully booked yet, and I´ve had breakfast with my parents and Aden. I´ve missed our tradition of and overloaded breakfast table and eating until I feel like I might burst right there. 

“Yeah.” 

“Have you met her yet?” 

“Who?” I ask, but it´s obvious that he talks about the big elephant in the room, that´s been here since I´ve set my foot in the house again. I´ve done my best ignoring it, but my Dad knows me better than anyone else and we´ve always had a friendship-like relationship. 

I used to tell him everything – except one thing. But from the looks in his eyes I didn´t need to. 

“You know, she´s still here, right? You could talk to her, see how she is.” He answers with his genuine smile I love most. 

No, I didn´t. I´ve avoided the topic like it´s contagious, so I didn´t even ask. Not, that I didn´t want to – I craved for news about her. But for my stupid heart it´s been better this way. Getting news about her now surprises me and it hurts like hell. She´s still here, in Polis. Home. 

I watch my hands fiddling with my hoodie. Well, hers. The color´s worn out and I can´t read the letters anymore. But that´s okay, because it´s still the same hoodie I always wear at home. 

“You didn´t know?” 

I shake my head and can´t keep a few tears from falling down my cheek. 

How would I´ve known? We have avoided this topic like the plague since I´ve had a breakdown on the telephone a few weeks after Christmas the second year of college. Mom and Dad never talked about her and I never asked. That was our deal. 

Dad sets his drink on the coffee table and spreads his arms, so I can cuddle with him like I used to when I was a kid. His embrace feels warm, safe, peaceful and comforting. It´s strange, that little moments can make you feel like you´re eight again. 

“I know you probably don´t want to hear that. But since I´m your Dad I´ll tell you anyway, because I think you need to know. She´s calling on a regular basis. She´s writing mails. And she send these.” He gets up to the bookshelf and grabs two books. 

I remember him unpacking one of them two years ago for Christmas, one year after Lexa and I stopped talking. He had tears in his eyes and I´ve never seen him cry before. When I asked him about it, he told me it´s from a dear old friend. 

But now he opens the book, revealing the dedication and some handwritten lines at the end of the page. 

_For Jake, my second father. ___  
_As he was one of the two people,_ _who always believed I could make it. ___

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_And for her. ___  
_The woman who gave me faith,_ _when I had none. ___

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A handwritten note in a very familiar writing said: 

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_Jake, I´ve done it. I really did. Thank you, with all of my heart. You showed me the magic hidden in books. I wouldn´t have made it without your family. You saved me. So this one is for you. ___

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It´s Lexas handwriting, more neat and more grown up, a little bigger than it used to be back in school. But I would recognize it anywhere – the characteristic way she writes her j and g, the points of the i and the j, that look like a small circles. 

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She made it. Lexa made her dream come true. 

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And I wasn’t there. 

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A wave of regret washes over me as my fingers slide over the words she wrote, imagining her. The saddest and most hurtful thing about it is, that I know these books. I´ve read both of them and I´ve cried my eyes out – pretty much like I´m doing right now. 

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Never would I have guessed, that she wrote these books. Alex Woods doesn´t sound like Lexa. She hates the nickname. And I never cared about authors, so I didn´t even look at the picture. But there it is, her face. My fingers wonder over the words describing her life, as I stare into her eyes. It´s a beautiful photography, catching her just right. A shy smile on her perfect lips, her deep and sea green eyes shining. 

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And despite I wasn´t there, she mentioned me though. I don’t know what breaks my heart more. But it breaks and suddenly I feel like suffocating. 

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I get up and leave the house wordlessly. A few times around the block to clear my mind seem really tempting right now, but I take the small path to the beach. 

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The sand is a bit damp and my feet feel heavy, as I make my way over to the water. It´s cold here, windy. It´s the end of September, so it shouldn´t surprise me. But it does, because the last time I´ve been here, was summer four years ago. Together with Lexa. And the memory is still so alive, so vivid.

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I can almost see us walking down the beach.

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We were holding hands, like we used to do a lot that summer. I still remember, what it felt like. Her palm was soft and warm, it fit perfectly into my hand. I could feel the few calluses, she got from playing guitar, on her fingertips. 

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Her hair danced and tangled in the warm wind and my fingers ached to brush them out of her face.

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She wore light blue jeans shorts and an olive colored top, which was a little too tight for my liking, because it showed her perfect figure a bit too much. She never noticed the guys and girls staring at her, but I did. Because I was one of them. 

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We were talking about our dreams and foolish ideas, but I had a hard time listening, because my heart beat like crazy and I had to fight the urge to kiss her. God, I wish I had. I wish, I wouldn´t have been so damn scared. 

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She´s still here. In Polis. She never left?

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Yeah, it´s not like she was the most adventurous person back then. I had to drag her to see the sunrise. I was the one sitting in the opened window of the car while she drove slow, feeling the wind in my hair and pure happiness flooding my veins while we listened to our favorite song. 

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She always used to say: “I´m the safe one, you´re the brave one.” 

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She never saw herself the way I saw her. Pure beauty, inside and out. Soulful, headstrong, intelligent, caring, loving, brave. She never understood, that she made me brave. Everything seemed possible with her by my side. 

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\----

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I return home with the fading daylight and lock myself in my room for a while. 

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Raven and Octavia are fake-fighting once again, this time Raven actually killed the smoothie maker. I put my headphones on and focus on the current painting I started a few days ago. 

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It doesn´t feel right. And after the tenth time it doesn´t come out the way I wanted it to, I´m to frustrated to keep going. 

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I listen to a few songs for a while, staring at the ceiling. Every song is connected to a memory, a scene, a smell, a view, a person, a feeling… Today it is too much, so I pull out my headphones and throw them on my desk. They slide over the edge and fall to the floor. 

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“That bad?” Ravens voice breaks the silence a second later. 

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“I´m not in the mood, Ray.” 

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“You haven´t been since we moved here.” She declares, using her typical sarcastic undertone. “Want to talk?” 

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I shake my head, hoping she would leave, but it´s just not her way. She walks over to my bed and lies beside me. Raven´s not exactly a quiet person or one to wait, but she isn´t insensible either. So she waits. And I appreciate her silence.

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Minutes pass.

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Then I turn my head towards her, because there´s a question, that´s been bothering me for hours now. “You think, I should talk to her?” 

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I mean, I should´ve years ago. Fear is a bad advisor.

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“You really should.”

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“I´m scared.”

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“For what?”

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I shrug, but I know the answer. I´m scared of my feelings. I´m scared of hers being different. I´m scared, that she´s better of without me. 

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If I´m honest to myself for a second, I know the reason, why I never told her. She looked at me in a way, that touched my heart. Admiration was hidden in her eyes, in her words. She saw something in me and I haven´t found that yet. I´m scared of the person she thought I was, because I´m not this person, I´m far from it. And in my weak moments, when I let myself believe, that she might feel the same, I knew, that she would recognize that one day. She would see me as I am and she would leave me. 

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“Clarke. You´ve been in love with her forever. And if I wouldn´t think it´s sweet, I´d say you´re damn crazy.” 

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“Maybe I am.” 

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Raven starts to smile. “Yeah, for her. What´s the worst, that could happen?”

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I don´t want to think about the worst scenarios. I just want to hear her voice. And at the same time I don´t. Arghh. I hate myself right now, for not being able to get her out of my head. I´ve accepted that I won´t get her out of my heart a long time ago, because it´s hers. 

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“So, how´s that. I´ll have to get a some spare part for O´s smoothie maker real fast and then we´ll order pizza and have a girls night.” 

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“We have girls night every night.” I state. It´s a fact. We´re roommates. 

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Raven rolls her eyes and looks at me mad. And even though she doesn´t mean it, it´s really scary.

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“Okay.” I sigh, mentally accepting, that I won´t get an evening for moping and feeling sorry for myself. “We´ll have a girls night.” 

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“Perfect. Now take a shower, you´ve got paint in your face.” 

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Five minutes later, after she has left the apartment, I take a look in the mirror. No, I don´t have paint in my face. Raven is just being her normal, annoying self. But I take a shower anyway.

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Half an hour later, Raven is back, announcing her return with shouting. “O, Clarke! Get over here! I´ve got something exciting!”

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I´ve just dried my hair and put some clothes on. Perfect timing.

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“No more explosives!” I yell back, remembering the summer before, when she thought, a firework during summer break would be great idea. It wasn´t. I turn my lights off and make my way into the living room. “I am not willing to go over-”

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And I stop in the middle of my sentence. 

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You know, it´s funny how life works. If you can´t make a decision, sometimes life makes them for you. And I´m really grateful for it right now, because I´m rewarded with the most beautiful surprise ever. 

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Lexa is standing in my hallway and she´s stunning. Simply breathtaking beautiful. And my mind is blank. 

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I´m a bit overwhelmed by all the lovely comments. thank you ! <3
> 
> Tell me what you think about it! 
> 
> And don´t worry, the two lovebirds will meet soon. ;)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They finally meet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, first of all: thank you for reading!! 
> 
> I´ll upload another chapter later, like I promised a reader from London yesterday. But I´m not sure, if I´ll be able to upload one tomorrow, because I´ll be Shopping for Christmas and I´ve got literally no idea yet, so... yeah. 
> 
> Hope you like it!

##### Lexa

Two weeks have passed since Anya confronted me. I´ve finished my book and started two different stories. I can´t stop writing. Let´s just say, Clarke has always been an inspiration to me. 

It´s Friday night again and I am feeling immortal. Like I could do anything and since I´m not going to feel that way tomorrow, I´ve decided to finally do it. Talk to Clarke. The one thing that scares me. 

The decision wasn´t easy, though. It needed a pep-talk from Anya and Lincoln, while we went for a run. By the way: talking and running at the same time seems to be pretty overstraining for guys, because we had to stop in the middle, so that Lincoln could tell us his thoughts. 

He is literally one of the best people I know. He is a quiet man, but when he says something, his words have meaning. He´s been in the army for a few years as a paramedic and when he got out, he started working at Polis hospital to “find peace”, like he called it. I met him there three years ago and we quickly realized, that we´ve got a lot in common. I love spending time with him – running, work-out, driving motorcycle or eating some unhealthy stuff. He´s one of my best friends. 

I just never told him about Clarke, because I wanted one person in my life, who wouldn´t know the sad story of shy Lexa and her feelings for the popular girl. 

After Anya had explained the “Clexa-story”, like she calls it, in a short version, he said: “You´ve got nothing to lose. But getting it out of your head might help you moving on. Do you want to move on?”

Hell, yeah, I do. At least, if she doesn´t feel the same. I think. Oh crap.

Jake gave me her address half an hour ago, saying he´s been rooting for us since highschool with a knowing smile hidden in his voice. I never had to tell him. Am I that obvious?

Right now I´m standing in front of her door. It´s harder than I imagined. I´ve known her once but I don’t do now and that´s pretty damn frightening. What if she´s changed too much? What if she´s with someone? What if she´s angry at me? What if…? 

Get yourself together!

I´ve raised my hand at least three times, but… 

“You gonna ring that bell some time or what?”

I literally jump. Shit, I didn´t notice that Latina girl coming up the stairs. Damn. 

“Who are you?” She asks directly, leaning against the wall, tilting her head to one side, while I try to calm my nerves. 

“Um, I-I´m Lexa. I wanted to-”

“Oh my god!” She squeals excited like a kid on Christmas mornings. “You´re her!”

I raise my eyebrows, but the girl keeps grinning like she knows more than I do. Clearly she does know Clarke. So she talked about me? Good or bad stuff? 

I start fiddling with my hoodie, habit I couldn´t get rid of after highschool. I even did it, when I gave my first autographs – much to the chagrin of Anya. 

“Sorry.” The Latina says after a few more awkward moments. “I´m Raven. Reyes. Clarkes roommate. Well, one of them. Come on in then, Clarkes-more-than-an-ex-best-friend.” 

Hearts are stupid. I hate mine. It starts beating excited and a blush finds it´s way on to my cheeks. More than an ex best friend? What the hell is that supposed to mean? I´m here for closure, right? That´s the plan. 

Raven pulls out her keys and opens the door. “O, Clarke! Get over here! I´ve got something exciting!” She shouts a little too loud.

So I´m a thing now, I wonder, as I step into the apartment and Raven locks the door behind us. I make a mental note, that this girl seems to have at least some human instinct. But I can totally picture her being friends with Clarke. 

“No more explosives!” A very familiar voice answers and damn, I really hate my stupid heart. “I am not willing to go over-”

And then she´s right in front of me, with an unbelieving look in her beautiful blue eyes. 

My heart seems to think I´m running a marathon. Closure? What´s that? How do you spell that again?

“Lexa.” She mumbles. 

It´s evident that I´m the last person she expected here tonight. I can see a lot of feelings of her face – since she never had a pokerface – but none of them is anger. 

My stupid heart starts to hope, that we can have that really needed talk, while I try to calm my freaking nerves. But my mind is blank and all I can do right now is take in her face. She hasn’t changed much. Only her hair is shorter. 

“And I´m out.” Raven announces after a while. 

Clarke still hasn´t said anything other than my name and I haven´t moved a muscle either. 

The talkative and clearly hyperactive Latina named Raven Reyes leaves the room and that seems to pull Clarke out of her head. 

“What are you doing here?” Clarke asks quietly, her voice trembling. It doesn’t sound angry. It´s… I´m not quite sure. 

“I heard, you´re back.” I manage to say. “I… I wanted to see for myself, I guess?” No, that´s not the whole truth. But it´s a start. 

Clarke smiles. Her genuine, lovely and knowing smile. The one she gives you, while you´re searching for the right words. And suddenly it doesn´t feel like years have passed. 

“I like it when you´re spontaneous.” She says and I blush again. She makes me believe a compliment on instant. No one ever had that power. “So you wanna feel for yourself and hug me? I could us a hug right now.” She opens her arms. 

But I´m frozen. I didn´t expect her to be so… Clarke. She´s still the girl I´ve been friends with. The girl full of ideas and dreams and craziness. Her eyes radiate the same way and she still knows me better than anyone. She´s still the girl I fell for.

Clarkes smile grows wider and she closes the gap between us with just a few steps. As she wraps her arms around me the same, well-known and warm feeling washes over me and I can´t shake the fear of losing. But I feel like coming home, too. 

“Thank you for coming here, Lex.” She whispers into my neck. “You´ve always been the braver one.” 

I can´t help but chuckle. “No, I haven’t. You know that.”

Clarke sighs and it takes everything in me, not to shiver. So I keep hugging her tightly and inhale her scent as long as I can. Because I have no idea how this evening is going to end. 

Then we part and she points to the couch. “Talk?” 

I nod and make my way over, still unsure of what to say first. Three years are a lot of time. We both have changed, even if we don’t see it. I have, that´s for sure.

Meanwhile Clarke grabs two glasses and some lemonade from the kitchen. I don’t drink that stuff anymore, but I´m not the one who´s going to ruin the evening. At least not with something simple like that. 

The living room isn´t big, but cozy and I can´t take my eyes of some colorful paintings on the wall. They´re Clarkes. I would recognize her style anywhere. I´m really happy she didn´t stop painting after entering med-school. 

“You okay?” 

My eyes lock with hers, just a meter away. I haven´t noticed her sitting down next to me, while my thoughts wandered like crazy. 

She´s even more beautiful. Her face is more defined, her hair is shorter, somehow bold. The familiar dark and bright strands of her blonde hair are barely touching her shoulders now. 

“Yeah.” I say. “I´ve thought about a lot of things and... There´s only one place to start for this. I have thought about it like the last four years and longer, if I´m honest. I´m just not sure how to say it, but I want to, you know? I´m not making much sense, I´m sorry. I had this whole speech planned, but I-”

“Lex, you´re rambling.”

“I know that.” Of course, I talk shit. How can it be that I´m good with words for work and every part of my life but with her I lose every reasonable human ability? Clarke calling me Lex doesn´t help at all. 

I take a deep breath and close my eyes for a second before I start talking again. “I didn´t mean to snap at you. But I´m nervous. I´ve wanted to tell you for so long. Clarke, I-”

I get interrupted by the doorbell. Damn!

“Don´t forget what you wanted to say. And don´t freak. That´s Octavia. She never takes her keys. Like never.” Clarke tells me, rolling her eyes dramatically. 

I watch her getting up and walking to the door. She is so damn sexy. 

She takes her keys to unlock it. I can´t hear what they are talking, but nobody returns. So it isn´t her other roommate. I try to sort my thoughts. But then Clarke drops her keys. 

Almost the same second I´m on my feet, functioning on pure instinct. 

Two policemen stand in the doorway, Clarke is shaking like a leaf. She has covered her pale face with her hands. That´s when I know something bad happened. Bad like shattering a whole world. 

“What happened?” I ask, my voice hollow, when I reach the door. 

Clarkes body crashes into mine and I wrap my arms around her immediately. I don´t even notice her lips on my skin, as she buries her face into the crook of my neck, because she´s crying and fear is creeping through my whole body.

“Miss, I´m sorry, who are you?”

“Her best friend.” I answer. 

“It´s Dad. There was an accident.” Clarke tells me, her voice is trembling. “He´s dead.”

With these words she breaks.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both POVs and some talking :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a Little longer, but I´m sure you won´t mind. 
> 
> Sorry for the cliffhanger - it was too tempting ;) 
> 
> As always: thank you for reading and let me know what you think!!
> 
> <3

#### One week later.

##### Lexa

Clarke moved home the same night. 

I tried my best to be there for her, Abby and Aden. I didn't know if I had the right to do that. 

Octavia, her other roommates with bad memory, told me to fuck off, after I brought Clarke to bed Saturday night. It's been the first time Clarke let go of me. Like literally. 

"I won't do that." I told her, my eyes burning angry into hers. She didn't know me. And mostly: she didn't know Jake. 

Yeah, I should've really changed my clothes by that time. But Abby asked me to stay and I couldn´t leave Aden and Clarke, so I texted Anya to get me some stuff. It just took another hour. 

And yes, Clarke and I haven't been talking over the last three years. But we've been best friends and family to each other. So who the hell is Octavia to tell me to fuck off? 

She and I stared into each others eyes, fighting without saying anything. 

"Okay." She said after a while. "Just needed to make sure you're being serious." 

I don't like her. 

But I stayed. Because Abby asked me to. I moved into the guestroom. Clarke didn't talk at all. At least she didn't throw me out. I took it as a good sign - as good as anything can ever be without Jake Griffin. 

\---

 

So it's Friday again but everything is different. 

I'm sitting in the Griffins living room, writing down random stuff. Some thoughts - most of it is dark and messy, like my head. 

Midnight has passed a while ago, but only now in the dark I feel somewhat lighter. 

Loosing Jake has changed a lot for me. 

My parents have always been busy with their jobs and their own lives. I cared for myself most of the time, so I would have been all alone if it wasn't for the Griffins. I spent my holidays at their house, my weekends – almost four years of my life. 

This couch I´m currently sitting on, was the place I met him, when I first came to the Griffins house. It was a Saturday, the same week that Clarke had her first day of school. He was sitting here, reading a John Steinbeck book. 

I used to join Jake a lot over the years, reading dozens of books. It´s something Clarke did only rarely. It bored her, she said. How can it? 

It´s the very same couch we sat on a few weeks after my first book was published. We talked about my inspiration and how I could go on with the story. I told him about how scary all of this was for me – the booktour and the traveling, the success, the fans. Scary and like I would be living someone elses life, but in a good way. Because I could finally get out of my head and be the person I wanted to be.

It's hard imagining the house without him. 

It's been a really hard and exhausting day. One of those who don't seem to end. Watching the coffin getting put down into the earth... It's so final, so irrevocable and irreversible. 

After the funeral Abby locked herself in their bedroom - well, hers now. 

Clarke crawled back into her bed. She has to eat something but I couldn't convince her yet. She's stubborn as hell. Maybe I´ll try again in an hour. 

And Aden? I can´t get through to him either. He´s been silent, absent and his eyes seem so lost, so broken, so hollow… Seeing his pain breaks my heart. 

None of them wanted to join the people in their house after the funeral, so I arranged that the guests leave two hours later. 

I even kicked out Raven and Octavia. I' m pretty sure that's not helping our case, but I can´t bring myself to care. 

Since writing isn't working right, I decide to stop for today and do some reading research. 

Jake has always been a passionate reader. Two big bookshelves are fully filled with his favorite books. And all over the house are more. 

My fingers wander over the backs, reading the titles, as two of them lying out of order catch my attention. 

I grab them and suddenly am confronted with lots of memories. Those are mine. The first two books of the three-part story. Suddenly I think about the undeniable truth: Jake won´t ever read the last book. He´ll never know, how the story ends. 

I remember everything. Writing the dedication for my first book, while thinking of Jake and Clarke.  
Him talking about the endless possibilities of books.  
Writing the few lines below to say thank you to Jake for sticking around even after Clarke and I stopped talking, for being there for me.  
The excited phone call I got on Christmas, after I send him one of the first copies.  
And him joining my first autograph session. That's my favorite memory. It's what meant most to me. 

I wipe a few, lonely tears away before they can fall down. I've cried enough, when nobody was watching. 

"He was really proud of you, you know that?" Clarkes voice sounds fragile, but less broken than it did yesterday, but I can´t be relieved about that, because I´m busy with not dying of a heart attack. 

"Yeah, I know. It means the world to me." I say, as I lay the books down and turn around. 

"I am too."

I nod, unsure of what to say. I'm sorry? That's too damn empty. I decide to sit back down on the couch, because she looks like she wants to talk.

"I didn't know.” She continues. “If I'd have, I would´ve been there." 

I remain silent to say nothing wrong. But I can feel anger boiling in my chest. She could have been. She gave up on our friendship. She stopped trying. And I don´t even know why.

Clarke watches my face closely, still standing a few steps away. "I know that sounds lame. But I..."

No, I can´t do this right know. I just can´t. 

"Clarke, I'm sorry, but I don't think it's the right time to discuss this. I don't want to say something I regret later and I'm really exhausted and jumbled up right now." I say as careful as possible. 

"I know that. But I ... Lex, I've wasted so much time! I've avoided coming home, I've avoided you and I ..." She seems desperate. And I can't keep my distance when she calls me Lex. 

I reach out my hand and as she grabs it, I pull her close and hold her tight.

We stay in this position for a while without saying anything. It's a peaceful moment and we both can pretend for a few minutes, that everything's okay. 

Clarke moves a little and nestles her head into my neck. It feels perfect and unreal at the same time. 

I smell her shampoo and her familiar very own scent. And I would love to do that for the rest of my life. The thought of it scares me, because she´s the only one who could ever make me feel this way. And a part of fears, that this feeling won´t ever go away.

But it's not the right time to tell her. I can't lose her, too. And she's got more important things on her mind right now. 

I watch the clock and three minutes later I can't take it anymore. 

"Clarke, you should go to bed and get some sleep." Means, I have to get some distance. Damn, I don't know how I'm supposed to survive being near her, if she doesn't feel the same. 

She moves back a bit, but it's making things worse. Her eyes glisten in the scanty light. They are so close and look so sad.

Damn, her lips. I watch her eyes wander to mine and my heartbeat explodes. She must feel it. But she doesn't care and I can't bring myself to care either.

Time freezes. And she leans in to do what I desired her to do for eight fucking years. 

But I can't let it happen. Not this way. It´s wrong. 

I raise my head a bit and her lips miss mine as I press a kiss on her forehead, while my heart breaks a little more. She's really vulnerable and hurt. That's why she's seeking comfort. It's not because she wants me they way I want her. It can´t be.

"Goodnight, Clarke."

I get up and smile down at her, before I leave the living room in a hurry and go to bed, my heart beating uncontrollable. 

I don't see the lonely tear streaming down her face. But I feel mine. 

\----------

##### Clarke.

My feelings are a mess since Lexa showed up at the apartment. I know that. I feel it even though everything else feels numb. 

So I let her go and stay behind on my couch in the living room. 

Seeing her face brought back every memory I made with her and everything I've ever felt for her. 

She's changed a lot. Starting with the way she walks. It's full if confidence and pride.  
Her eyes hold mine longer. They look like they are searching for something.  
The way she speaks with passion.  
The way she cares for people with so much certainty and compassion. I wouldn´t have survived the week without her.

I silently begged to hear the words she had to say last week, because I somehow know I would like them. 

But it's not last week. Last Friday my world was intact. Lexa was standing in my living room and she smelled so familiar, she smelled like home. She felt like home. I knew I could find the courage to tell her about my feelings. But today? Everything is different. 

I've loved my best friend since I was fourteen. But the woman she's grown into? I adore her with all of my heart.  
I'm completely in love with her since the second she showed up at my apartment. I'm not sure, I can keep it to myself any longer, even if she doesn't feel the same. I don´t want to anymore.

She's so beautiful. Her seagreen eyes sparkled even though I could see the sadness in them.

She has been there for us and I've never asked her how she is doing. She loved my dad. My parents used to joke about adopting her. She´s family.

I'm so dumb. Did I really try to kiss her? I'm not ready for anything. Not yet.  
And - how could I even think that she feels the same? She cares for us. It's nothing more. 

I don't stop the single tear. I don't do anything against the next. And the next. And the one after. 

It's surreal that Dad isn't going to show up at the doorstep, to grab one of these stupid energydrinks and to tell me something that would make me smile. 

I tried to be there for Mom. For Aden. As much as I could. But I feel really really bad for not once thinking of Lexa. 

She's been here more often than I over the last years. The way Mom and her interacted showed me that. The way, Aden ran into her arms, when we got to the hospital, instead of mine, crying as she held him tight. 

Not once did she cry. And I know why. That stupid love is weakness bullshit her mother used to inoculate her with. But she loved Dad. I know she's grieving, too. 

I wipe my tears and get myself together. After that I make my way to the guestroom, knowing she's still awake. What will I say to her? A sorry seems not enough. 

And we haven't talked about ... well. Not talking for three years. I don't know much about her anymore. But it doesn't matter now. 

I don't hesitate to knock, but I peak inside. "Lex?" I whisper, despite the lights are on and she is sitting on the bed. 

"Clarke, what´s going on? You alright?" Concern is written all over her face. 

She is wearing her glasses and some notes are scattered all across her bed. She's stunning in so many ways. 

"I came to apologize. I didn't want ... well, I obviously did. But I didn't do it because I'm a mess. I ... I wanted to." 

Lexa frowns. After a moment she put the paper she was holding aside, together with her glasses. I'm watching her movements anxiously. 

In contrast to me she has always had the perfect pokerface, so it's kind of hard to make out what she is thinking. 

A few seconds pass, but they feel like an eternity, then she pats the bed beside her and I sit down, carefully concentrating on leaving space between us. 

We sit in silence for a few minutes until I can't bear it any longer. 

"I'm sorry if I did something wrong. I don't want to ruin this. Whatever we have." I say silently. Do we even have something? 

"You..." Lexa starts, but stops right there again. She sighs and rests her head against the wall, staring up at the ceiling, biting her perfect lips. 

"Look, I-"

"Stop, it's my turn, okay? Just give me a second." She interrupts. 

I know I talk too much. But it's really torture to keep quiet when you just told your best friend you wanted to kiss her. 

"You didn't do anything wrong, Clarke." She whispers, clearly searching for the right words to express her thoughts. "I... damn, I wanted you to. But it's the wrong timing." 

My mouth falls open. She wanted me to ... kiss her? What? I can't process it. 

Her green eyes meet mine. "Yes Clarke." She says smiling, as if she knew where my mind went mad. "I wanted you to kiss me. Hell, I've wanted it for years. Last week I came to talk to you about it."

"Years?" I repeat shocked. My thoughts are racing – back to the dozens of situations I had to fight the urge to kiss her. The airport. Prom night. New year´s Eve. Homecoming. Sleepovers before sleeping. Waking up next to her after the sleepovers. Bonfire night on the beach, cafeteria, classroom, while driving…

She nods. "I'm sorry. I've been scared. And lost. But it doesn't matter right now. What matters is that you and your family have time for healing. You shouldn't focus on what ifs. Not yet."

That's where she lost me. So she sits there calmly and tells me she wanted to kiss me for years. But in the same sentence she tells me it's wrong? I won't let her do that. Not yet - what the heck is that supposed to mean? 

"No, I should! Because Dad is dead and I can't keep avoiding everything that's somehow complicated!" I answer, my voice sharp and angry. "I need something to hold on to! Please, Lex." I don't want to beg. But I can't take the look in her eyes, full of sadness, and I won't let her slip through my fingers again. 

"I'm here, Clarke." She offers. Even if it's not what I meant, it has to be enough for now. I know that.

"Can I stay with you? I can't..." 

Lexa nods after a moment of hesitation I pretend not to have noticed. It hurts. Like hell. But I deserve it, I guess.

She climbs under the blanket and opens her arms for me to crawl into. Being near her has to be enough for now - and it is. 

My head lies in her shoulder like it used to when we were in Highschool. But I hesitate to wrap my arm around her stomach. 

"It's strange." Lexa says a few minutes after we shut the lights down. "This house without him."

I nod silently against her shoulder. "I never imagined it like that. I pictured them growing old together, having a family by myself and being married and all that."

"Yeah I know what you mean."

"Have you been here a lot?" I can't stop myself from asking. But I feel like I've missed too much over the last years. 

Lexa falters a few seconds before she sighs. "A few times a year. We talked over the phone and he visited on my book tours." 

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. He never missed an important date." She answers, but sounds like she was deep in thoughts. I know she´s smiling from the sound of her voice. "He invited me on dinner and we talked about the craziness of it all. And he made suggestions for the next book or what I should have done differently. We sat there for hours and discussed his ideas." 

I can picture that. Dad loved his books. Every evening he used to sit either in his chair by the window or on the couch, reading an hour or two.

I swallow the bitter scent of acceptance. It's the first time I used the past tense, even if it's just in my thoughts. 

\-----------------

We didn't talk after that. And since I haven't slept a lot the last week, her well-known warmth and her familiar heartbeat is all I need to fall asleep. 

I enjoyed her comfort. 

As I wake up the first thing I notice is my arm, wrapped around her stomach. The heart wants what it wants, right? 

I'm the big spoon, like I used to be. Some loose strands of hair tickle my nose, but I can't stop myself from smiling. I want to wake up to this every day of my life – being able to hold her close, listening to her breathing, seeing the peaceful look on her face. 

After that thought it doesn't take much to fall asleep again, feeling more at peace than ever. 

 

\----

 

When I wake the second time, I'm alone. The other half of the bed is empty and cold. 

I inhale Lexas scent on her pillow next to me like I´ve always done (yes, I´m creepy, I know that), before I get up and toddle to the bathroom. 

After a hot shower, some crying and brushing my teeth, I'm feeling better. 

I walk downstairs towards the kitchen where I can hear someone on the phone. 

"No, Costia, I don't care. I said I won't-" Lexa sounds angry. She never sounded like that. "Ok, you know what? I don't give a damn about that stuff. I'm not doing it anymore." She continues after a few seconds. 

I stop on my way towards her. It feels ... wrong to eavesdrop. But it's my house and she's not exactly quiet. So I listen. More or less. 

"No, you listen. You do as you're told or that´s it." She slams her phone on the bar and heavy silence follows. 

Who is Costia? What is it Lexa doesn't want to do anymore? It sounded work related. Or is it just me hoping, that it´s work related, because I don´t even want to think about Lexa being with any other woman?

"Good morning, Clarke." She suddenly says, a smile hidden in her voice. 

How? 

I walk around the corner and the first thing I see are her beautiful bright eyes. 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop." What a lame answer. 

Lexa is smiling. 

"You didn't. It's your house after all. How are you?" 

Sad. Lost. Full of love for you, you idiot, even though it's really bad timing. But I can't help it. And I´m not sure I want to anymore. My last conversation with my Dad was about her, so I guess, he would be okay with it.

"Clarke?"

"Hm?"

"Where were you in your head?" She's clearly amused as she shakes her head and walks over to the kitchen counter. It's the first moment I realize the divine smell of pancakes that fills the air. 

"You made breakfast?"

"Yeah, some time you have to eat. So I made your favorite. I mean, are they still? I just thought, maybe this way I´d get you to eat something and-" She stops herself. Suddenly her stoic, self-confident side is gone and she's all nervous and shy. 

I feel a lump in my throat as I manage a nod. It's nothing like four years ago between us. 

I can see the same thought on Lexas face. Everything is different. 

I would love to cross the distance, but it's to soon. She already knew that last night. We aren't there yet, we aren´t even clear, if we share a goal. We have to talk. 

Lexa continues making breakfast and setting the table while I keep frozen. Whenever she looks up, I can feel her watching my face. 

Suddenly she wraps her arms around me - once more. And that's when I realize that I'm crying. 

This time it's not about Dad. It's about her having to leave sooner or later. It's about fear and lost time and regret and so much more. 

"Shhh. It's gonna be alright, Clarke. It's gonna be alright." One hand in my hair, one around my back - it never felt closer than right now. My heart must be beating outside my chest. 

"I'm here." Her voice sounds vulnerable and strong at the same time. 

"Yeah." I manage to say. "But you keep your distance." That's harsh and unfair. But I constantly feel like my feelings are running high. So I break the contact and step back. 

Her eyes glisten with anger. 

I've crossed a line and I know it. But I´m sick of pretending.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> unexpected informations...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised, so here it is: chapter 7.  
> I´ll upload another one today, I guess, but I have to edit it first, because I wrote it after midnight and believe me, you don´t want to read that. 
> 
> Hope you like it, let me know what you think!

#### Lexa 

#### 

 

Wow, she's straight forward like she has always been. 

Let's say: my mind has been running wild since that almost kiss. Clarke wanted to kiss me. I can't wrap my head around it and I´ve spent quite some time, thinking about it. Honestly, I haven´t done anything else for half of the night. 

Even when she is crying, she is the most beautiful human being I've ever seen. Her stunning blue eyes seem desperate and fierce while she stares into mine. All I want is to take her pain away. 

The little distance between us isn't enough to stop the feeling that something bigger is pulling us closer. 

I notice her eyes falling to my lips and back up to meet my eyes again. 

She is still boiling with anger but at the same time ... 

"I'm trying to do things right." I answer weakly, while I'm trying really hard not to grab her and kiss her senseless. 

"You keep trying to shield me from the only thing that's keeping me together!” Clarke suddenly shouts. “And I won't let you do that! Hell, Lex, I love you!" 

Heavy silence follows. We both didn´t see this coming and Clarke is as shocked, as I am. What did she just say? 

I've dreamt about hearing these words so many nights. I´ve spent years, praying she would say them, because I was too scared. And it never came close to this feeling. This overwhelming warmth spreading through my veins, the erratic heartbeat. 

"You love me?" I ask. It´s barely a whisper, shaking and trembling, nearly soundless, but still there. 

Clarke closes the small distance between us and wraps her arms around me tightly. As she buries her face into the crook of my neck, I can feel her lips touching my pulse point. 

There's no chance of hiding my racing heartbeat. I can't pretend I don't feel the same way anymore. 

"Yes, Lex. I love you.” She repeats, sounding certain and confident. “I'm in love with you. I've been for a very long time."

At those words I shudder and hold her closer - if that's even possible. It's all I ever wanted and so much more. 

I feel guilty but at the same time that's exactly what Jake wanted. I think about his knowing smile as I finally tell Clarke the truth. 

"I love you, too." I whisper into her soft hair. 

Clarke presses her lips against my skin in a soft kiss and I swear, my heart misses a beat. 

I can't help but put some distance between us to look into her eyes. Is this real? 

Before I can say or do anything, Abby walks in, breaking the tension between us without noticing. 

I quickly let go of Clarke. 

 

\---------------

#### Clarke

#### 

 

"...hell Lex I love you."

Heavy silence follows. She didn't know that. I never meant to tell her this way. 

Fuck. What have I done ? 

She has to think I'm crazy. That I'm emotionally messed up and not thinking straight. She doesn't feel the same. I always knew that and so I never told her. I'll lose her. But I can't take my words back. 

And I don't want to. Even if she walks out the door every second, even if she leaves the house right now and never returns. At least she finally knows.

My heartbeat increases as I watch her getting my words slowly. 

Then her face changes in front of my eyes. From the unknown, tough, closed-off and distant person she tried to play into the vulnerable woman I love. 

"You love me?" She asks, her voice trembling, unbelieving. She sounds so lonely, so lost. 

I can't take it anymore. 

I close the distance between us and wrap my arms around her. 

I can feel her breathing in deeply and my heart feels like exploding - in the most perfect and beautiful way. My lips touch her skin. Damn, her skin. I inhale her well-known scent and feel like flying and falling at the same time. 

"Yes, Lex. I love you. I'm in love with you." I whisper into her soft skin. "I've been for a very long time." 

She shivers as my words meet her soft skin. Her arms wrap around me more firmly, as if she was scared of letting go. 

Does she ...? 

I'm pretty sure she can feel my beating heart through my shirt. I can feel hers. And the longer we stay in this position, wrapped up in each other, the more they beat in unison. 

"I love you, too." Lexa suddenly murmurs so quietly, that I almost missed it.

Hearing her say those words ... 

I press my lips against her skin more firmly. I´m kissing her skin. It´s all I dream about at night and my head is spinning out of control. 

Lexa backs up a bit. For a second I'm scared. But she smiles brightly - more than I've ever seen. And there are a thousand things I would like to do to her and with her right now. 

But than my mom happens. And Lexa nearly jumps back as she lets go of me. 

I chuckle. And I freeze the same second. Guilt washes over me and suddenly it's my moms embrace I find myself in. 

"Don't do that. It's okay to smile, to laugh." She says, smiling sadly with tears glistening in her eyes. "It's never to soon. If you feel it, that's okay."

"I don't know, Mom." I watch Lexas back while she walks to the kitchen sink to wash her hands. It's a distraction, I know that. 

She feels guilty too. 

Just yesterday she told me "not yet" and today we told us that we love each other. But less than 24 hours have passed since I've buried my father. 

God, I would do anything for an advice from him right now. 

"Oh honey, he would love to see you smile. You know that, right?" 

I manage a weak nod. He would say: “Finally, kiddo. Took you long enough.” And he would smile brightly, after wrapping me in a tight embrace.

We settle around the table, as Aden makes his way downstairs only a few minutes later. He hasn't exactly talked much the last days, but he smiles weakly as Lexa places a small bowl with wipped cream in front of his plate full of pancakes. 

It's the second best thing that happened today. And it lets my adoration for Lexa grow even more. Because she notices the small things and she never forgets one of them.

I can't take my eyes of her. Her jawline literally everyone would kill for. 

Her small nose. 

The golden strands in her brown hair.

Her full lips I would love to kiss right here and now. 

Her long, dark eyelashes that surround the most stunning thing about her. 

Her soulful, sea green eyes.

I could spent an eternity watching her and I would be happy. God, I love this woman with every fiber of my body.

 

\----------------------------------

 

#### Lexa

#### 

 

It´s not what I wanted to do. Or what I wanted to say. But I did. I told her that I love her. And it´s not that I regret it or anything. It just feels like bad timing. 

Breakfast goes by in silence. 

At least Aden showed up and ate nine pancakes. Clarke ate one, but it´s better than none. And that talk Abby gave Clarke? A better timing couldn´t have happened. But it doesn´t change the feeling I got in my stomach. 

After breakfast Clarke and Aden settle for a cuddle session on the couch. It´s the first time since those devastating news I´ve seen them talk. It gives me time to talk with Abby about going back home. 

“You´re welcome as long as you want, Lexa, you know that?” Abby asks before I even open my mouth. She has this creepy ability of knowing everything. 

“It´s not that. I just think, it´s time for you guys to be a family. To process and to grieve. I don´t want to intrude.” I answer, but from the look in her eyes she knows I´m not telling the whole truth. She and Jake must have talked about... Well, me and Clarke. And they practically adopted me, so...

“It means a lot to her, that you stayed.”

“Same goes for me. You know how much I loved him. It´s unfair and so much more. He is the reason I am this person today. I don´t know if I ever thanked him enough.” I never wanted to talk to her about it. Even though I love Abby like she´s my second Mom, we never had this talkative connection. 

“He knew. And you made it by yourself. He was very proud of you. I am, too.” 

I nod. “Yeah, Clarke said that, too.” I watch Clarke and Aden talking quietly on the couch not far from us, as I continue. “But you guys have to grieve, Abby. I now, she won´t do that the way she needs to if I´m around. We have a lot to talk about, but it isn´t that important right now. I don´t mean to leave, but I have to, at least physically.” 

Abby smiles sadly. “You are wrong, Lexa. It´s the most important thing right now. Don´t think I´ve missed you two talking earlier. I´m not that young anymore, but certainly not deaf.” 

I blush immidiately. Suddenly it doesn´t feel like a friendly talk but like a motherly one, where she tells me to treat her only daughter right. But that only makes her chuckle. 

“You two are really adorable. You´re the best thing that ever happened to her, honey. Don´t you dare doubting that ever again. Promise me.” The look in her eyes is determinant, fierce and caring at the same time. 

“I can promise to try.” I answer hesitantly and avoid her gaze, while watching the Griffin siblings hugging. “But nevertheless, I have to leave. I won´t be far, just one call, Abby, but I... I need that.”

She watches my face very carefully, before she nods. “Of course. Thank you for staying and taking care of us. I´m more than grateful, Lexa.” Abby pulls me in a warm embrace, before letting me go, still smiling, knowing. 

“What was that about?” Clarke asks nearer than I assumed her. I didn´t notice that she made her way towards us. Abby makes an exit in the blink of an eye. 

“I wanted to talk to you about it yesterday, but...”

“You´re leaving?” I don´t miss the sad pout on her face, that makes me hesitate. 

She always knew how to change my mind. Back in highschool she used this face to make me join her to partys, even though I didn´t like them – too much people, too much alcohol. But she would have hated them, if I didn´t go. 

A lot has changed since my insecure highschool-self gave in to that adorable and very cute pout of hers.

“Yeah. I have to. It´s been a week and I have-”

“I know that!” She says in an insulted, huffy tone I don´t like and deserve. “I know exactly when Dad died!”

“I never meant to-” But I don´t get that far, before she interrupts me again. 

“You know what? Leave. Get out! I don´t care.”

See, that´s the part of her I hate. She get´s all grumpy and mad and angry and she pushes people away that are closest to her. At least I thought we are close, since she told me she loved me. But maybe love is not enough. 

“Okay.” I say quietly and turn away. She achieved to hurt me just an hour after telling she´s been in love with me for a long time. And I know she´s broken and blue. But I´m the same!

So I leave the kitchen and go upstairs, to do as I was told. 

“Lex, wait!” She shouts.

But my door slams shut.

Within the next twenty minutes, I grab my stuff from the guestroom and say goodbye to Aden, after making sure he has my number. And then I leave the Griffins household.

It´s been a mistake. I should have kept my feelings to myself. Those feelings are my weakness. They´ve always been. My love for her caught up with me once more. 

 

\---

 

As I get home, I slam my door shut behind me and let myself fall onto my couch face down. I hate her for being able to hurt me. Love is weakness after all. Yeah, it can be strenght and blah, but right now? She makes me weak. She makes me vulnerable.

Getting home after one week usually feels like returning to my safe bubble, where I can be myself. It´s just that I can´t stand my current self. And what do I do usually in such moments? I grab a bottle of whine, sit down on the floor on front of my couch and write the hell out of my mind. 

Sounds lonely. But it isn´t. Another world and a rather high alcohol level form the safest, most comfortable place for me ever. I can be who I want. I can say what needs to be said. I wrote myself all the way to the person I am today.

Just today, it isn´t working. The book I started last week is stuck. All the other ideas in my mind are too. The one I´ve finished recently lies on the desk of my editor ready to be discussed and taken apart word by word. So there will be no writing for me today, at least not in these four walls. 

I take a shower, before I grab my notebook, some money, something non-alcoholic for the day and the keys of my motorcycle. 

I started driving a few years ago. Anya hates it, she calls it “the devils machine that´s gonna kill you some day”, but I feel like living when I can feel the pressure of the wind against my body. 

When I reach my destination, I feel a whole lot lighter. Even tough Saturdays tend to magically attract people, the beach outside of the town is nearly empty, as I stop my engine. 

Not far in the sand there´s a small rock, which I use as a backrest, while staring at the endless ocean. 

It´s my favorite place in the world and the best thing about it? Only one other person know about it.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new character. And some long needed talking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It´s a pretty long chapter, but I couldn´t decide where to split it up, so I didn´t. But: next chapter will include their real talk, because there are so many things left unsaid. I´m really excited myself.
> 
> Hope you like it and thanks for reading!

#### Clarke

#### 

 

I regret saying it the minute she leaves the kitchen. I saw the hurt in her eyes and didn´t do something about it. Imagining Lexa in any kind of pain feels like a punch in the gut, over and over again. I deserve it. But she doesn´t. 

“Lex, wait!” I shout after her, but I haven´t even reached the stairs, when her door slams shut. 

I wrap myself up on the couch and plan a whole speech. I have to tell her so many things and I... I just ruin it all over again. 

When I´ve given her enough time to cool off and I know where to start, I go after her, upstairs to the guestroom. This time I knock. But there is no answer. I push the door open. The bed is made, her suitcase and bag are gone. When did she leave?

I fall to my knees in some kind of shock. She´s gone. Once more.

Of course she is, you told her so. 

I know exactly what Dad would tell me right know. “You messed up, kiddo. Better fix it fast.” I hated that sentence. Better fix it fast. 

If I only knew how. I can´t call her, because not once in those seven days I bothered asking for her number. I didn´t need it, because she stayed. 

“Clarke, sweetie?” Moms voice breaks me out of my state of shock. She kneels beside me, one hand on my back, worry written all over her face.“Are you alright?” 

I shake my head. “She´s gone. I messed up.” 

“What happened?” Her sigh tells me, she isn´t exactly surprised. Why? Because I do that often? Messing up and ruining good things? Thanks, Mom.

“She told me, she would leave and I got all angry and mad at her and I told her to get out and now she´s gone and I don´t know how to reach her.” 

“You could go after her and apologize. Lexa deserves that, don´t you think?”

“Don´t you think, it´s to soon?” We both know what I´m talking about without me having to say it. We´re both not ready for that. I can barely think it. 

“For love?” Mom frowns. “No, sweetie. It´s never to soon.” 

“How long have you known?” I ask. Dad knew, but I only learned that recently. I never thought I was that obvious. After all, I tried really hard to hide it. And it seemed to work – at least that´s what everyone made me believe. 

“How long have you loved her?” She counters smiling. 

“I don´t know. I like to think from the moment I met her. But it changed over the years. I almost told her on new years eve before graduation. That´s when I realized I was in too deep to keep ignoring it any longer.” I´ve never been more honest with my Mom. 

“Why didn´t you?” Moms question doesn´t surprise me – in fact, I´ve asked myself the same every day. 

I shrug, not knowing an answer. “Would you give me her adress? I have to fix something I should´ve a long time ago.” 

 

\-------------

 

It´s the first time – except for the funeral – I leave the house since Dad died. 

But I can´t imagine a more important reason to do it. 

Raven and Octavia have been texting, trying to reach out to me and being there for me, when I need it. I appreciate it, but I can´t go home yet. Mostly because of Mom and Aden and because of me wanting to be close to them too. 

I try not to think about the look on Lexas face, while I drive to the adress Mom gave me. I understand her reasons for wanting to leave now. And I feel like crap for accusing her that badly. I aimed low and I´ve hit her hard. 

The Lexa I knew would give her life for the people she cares about. She gives more than she gets. I had to watch out for her during highschool, because she never fought back. She used to say “it´s alright, Clarke” and smile.

I´ve tried my best to protect her, but at the same time I´ve made the attempt of breaking her out of her shell. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it backfired. And about some things I´m not quite sure today, because she wouldn´t even tell me – her best friend – about how she felt. 

Knowing, she loved me too, makes me think about many occasions she probably hated. But Lexa accompanied me anyway. She tried for me. But when did I try for her? 

Did I take her friendship for granted? Yeah. Maybe I did. 

I pull into an empty parking lot in front of a five stories house, only one street away from my apartment. The highest flat seems to have a great roof terrace. There has to be a fantastic view over Polis. Mom said, that´s Lexas. 

I try to calm down and sort out my thoughts. I have to make it right. 

One deep breath later I leave my car and make my way to the elevator. I´m really happy, there is one, because I´m not exactly a fan of sports. 

And then I´ve reached my destination. Lexas apartment door. I ring the bell before I can panic again. This time there´s only me and her. We have to talk. Clear the air. 

But no one answers. Is she that angry? She´s never been one to ignore other people. But what´s that information worth, right? It´s been four years. A lot has changed for us both. I try again. 

Still, no answer. 

I could go home and come back later. 

But I don´t do that. I decide to stay. Some time she has to return back home or leave the house and I´ll be waiting for her. This time I won´t take anything for granted, not even the smallest smile from her. 

 

\----

 

Three hours later the elevator opens and a woman steps out. She´s wearing a really cool outfit – light blue, washed out jeans with holes in it and some casual top, today in a rust-colored shade. She´s got an intimidating way of looking at you. Together with her combat boots and her black leather jacket she scares the shit out of me. But nevertheless she´s beautiful.

She stops by Lexas door, just a meter away from me, sitting next to it. 

“Clarke?” She asks. It´s not really a question, more a sign of recognition. “What are you doing here?” 

I can help but panic a little, as I notice keys in the woman’s hand. Is she… Lexas girlfriend? 

“Waiting for Lexa. I screwed up.” I answer honestly. If I´ve learned something from my father, than that truth and honesty are the best ways to reach somebody.

“Big time?” 

I nod. You could say that. 

“What happened?” She sits down on the opposite side of the corridor, legs crossed, her chocolate brown eyes never leaving my face.

I don´t answer that. Because, if she´s her girlfriend, I won´t ruin her relationship. And if she´s not… 

“Sorry, but I don´t know you.” 

She chuckles. “I´m Anya.” She says, like it´s supposed to be an all-inclusive answer. Somehow she reminds me of Raven. Those two would get along perfectly. 

“Still, I don´t know you.” 

“You want to know, if Lexa and I are dating?” 

She´s smart, but that´s pretty much all I can say about her right now, so… Hell, yeah, I do. I shrug, but that´s not really helping my case. 

Anya is grinning even wider, before she shakes her head. “No, we´re not. Even though she´s pretty hot, don´t you think?”

I blush on instant, like she pushed a button. 

Now she´s laughing really hard. “Don´t worry, blondie, we´re just friends. So tell me, how did you screw up this time? I´m really curious.”

I´ve never been more relieved than I am in this moment. Friends. That´s good, right? I mean… But if Anya´s her friend, I better try winning her over and the best way for that, is to tell her the truth. So it´s honesty again. 

“I told her, I love her. She told me she loves me. And one hour later I kicked her out of the house and accused her of accusing me of forgetting when my dad died. Long story.” Repeating it makes it sound a lot more stupid.

“Yeah, that´s big time. You know how much he meant to her.” 

“Yup. I know. That´s why I came here. But she isn´t home or she doesn´t answer, I don´t know.” I sigh sadly. “Guess I deserve some waiting. I mean, I screw up every time I have the chance to. It´s like a curse or something. I… I don´t know. I´m so fucked up and… I don´t deserve her. But I want to, you know?”

“She´ll come around. She´s probably out, riding her bike and clearing her head.” Anya says, ignoring the second part completely. It´s all the confirmation I need. 

I´m more than grateful, that she doesn´t give me an “if-you-mess-with-my-best-friend-speech”. I guess, I never want to see Anya angry. Never.

But wait. “Bike?” I ask shocked. 

I never imagined Lexa riding a motorcycle. She´s too fragile for something so dangerous. At least in my head.

Anya nods, clearly not amused. “The damn devils machine is gonna kill her someday, but she loves it. Says, it´s perfect for clearing her head and all that shit.” She rolls her eyes, before she watches my face once again. “You didn´t know that, did you?” 

“Seems I don´t know her anymore at all.” Saying it, I notice the bitterness in my voice. The regret. After all it was my choice. 

“You´ll get there again. I tried years to get her to tell you about her feelings. All it took was you, telling her your feelings. Thinking about that, I´ve approached the wrong one.” To her, it seems, every sentence without sarcasm or at least some humor, is a senseless one. Again: she and Raven would make a perfect match. 

“Who´s Costia?” The thought crosses my mind and escapes my lips without second guessing. 

Anya´s surprised, but she´s answering anyway, not caring about private information or feelings. “As a matter of fact, I´m not quite sure. First off, she´s Lexas editor. But I know she´s got the hots for our beloved writer.”

I try to reassure myself, that there´s no need to get jealous. First off: I´m not her girlfriend and I have no right to be. Second: Lexa didn´t sound happy when I overheard her conversation. So there´s no need to worry, right? Right?

“Calm your tits, blondie. She only has eyes for you. Always has, always will. For god’s sake, you should see your face.” I´d like to punch her now and wipe that damn grin off of her face. But I don´t do that, because I would lose that fight in a matter of seconds. 

I stare at her, trying to decide on an answer. But she´s faster.

“So. Now that we´ve got that feelings-stuff out of the way, you wanna come in?” She points towards the door.

“No, thank you. I´m fine here.” I don´t want to intrude Lexas personal space. She´s kind of peculiar when it comes to private rooms. 

Anya raises both eyebrows as if that would change my mind. It doesn´t. And somehow that´s all she needs to nod her approval. 

I got through her. Now I have to get through Lexa high walls, she build as a kid. 

 

\--------------------------

 

#### Lexa. 

#### 

 

I´ve found only little inspiration by the sea. Or maybe in my head and heart. Sometimes I´m not sure, where my ideas come from. Today, both didn´t work the way I would have liked it. 

Because of my success I´ve often been asked, how I write. One: that´s a really stupid question and no one will ever get an answer, even if you ask ten times. Everyone does it differently – every day I suppose. At least, that´s my way of doing it. And two: it´s a damn personal question no one would answer honestly, even if it would be an easy one. 

My inspiration is and has always been deeply rooted inside of my heart. In my feelings. In my thoughts. Something more personal doesn´t exist. 

Maybe this way of seeing it, is the reason I am rarely talking about my feelings.

I´m staring at the few words I wrote down, most of them feel like garbage. I hate her for being able to do that. 

I pack my things on the early afternoon and make my way homewards while the streets aren´t too busy. I´m still not sure what to do next. Maybe I´ll try the wine, without the writing. Instead some whiskey. Getting drunk and wasted seems like a good way to not deal with things. Like Clarke. Or Jake. Or anything. 

But I won´t get that chance. Anya’s car is parked in front of my apartment building. What is she doing here? Normally she sends a text or calls, but maybe I shouldn´t have given her keys to my flat. To her it could mean something like “yeah, come in, whenever you want, make yourself a home”. 

I sigh deeply, take a breath and take the stairs. Some movement a day keeps the doctor away – my grandpa used to say that. To be honest: that´s the only thing I remember about him.  
He smoked two packages a day, got fat and died of a heart attack at the young age of fifty-six. So, yeah. I shouldn´t take his saying as an advice. 

I reach my floor just two minutes later, fiddling with my keys, as I notice blond hair. Hair, that belongs to Clarke. She´s sitting next to my door, legs stretched out, hands intertwined, eyes locked to the wall across the corridor. 

She´s pale, she looks tired and worn-out and lost in dark thoughts. 

“What are you doing here?” I say after a few seconds of silent staring. 

She lifts her head and I can see tear glistening in her eyes. “Lex. I´m sorry.” She answers, while getting up, her eyes never leaving my face. “I´m really, really sorry. I didn´t mean, what I said back there. I… God, I´m just so sorry. For everything, I…” She sounds honest and at the same time really exhausted. Her beautiful voice is full of sadness. 

I just stare my door, trying to decide what to do or how to react. I haven´t expected her to come here. I knew, we would make up and I would forgive her. After all, she´s been through hell the last week. And she loves me. At least, that´s what she told me this morning. 

Does she deserve my forgiveness that easy? 

“Lex? Would you please look at me?” Her almost pleading words catch my attention. 

“Okay.” I mumble, finally locking my eyes with hers. “You´re forgiven.” 

“That easy?” Clarke asks insecure. 

I nod. “Yes. That easy. But don´t do it again.”

She exhales audible. “Thank you. And I won´t, I promise.”

“It´s alright. How long did you wait?” 

Clarke takes a look at the watch she´s been wearing for the last three days. It was Jakes´. 

“About four hours. Anya came by, she´s inside.” 

Four hours? Wow, that´s a lot time sitting on the cold floor. Forgiveness seems convenient. But why didn´t she join Anya inside?

I frown. “Did she rip your head off?” 

Clarke smiles. “No. We had a really good talk. She seems… nice, tough intimidating. She´s a bit creepy, with the staring thing. But I think, I passed with honesty. I told her I screwed up.” 

“Did you tell her…?”

“That I love you? Yes, I did. Of course I did.” Clarke talks with so much warmth, she makes me believe her words. So it´s true. I didn´t make that up. I haven´t trusted my mind a hundred percent on that.

I nod again, biting my lips like I´m used to do while thinking hard. Should we have that long overdue talk now? Should we go out? Or should I invite her in? Personal space is one of the most important things to me. But on the other hand, it´s Clarke. The woman I love. My best friend.

“Lex, could you… not do that?” Clarke is smiling, somehow unnatural, forced. But not in a bad way. It´s just… weird. 

“What? Thinking?” I ask skeptical. 

She shakes her head, avoiding my eyes. “That lip thing your doing. It…” She hesitates for a second. “It… it makes me want to kiss you, okay? Like badly.” 

I didn´t see that one coming. It catches me off guard. My heart wants to melt and explode at the same time and I can feel myself blush. I´m still not used to words like that. 

“But I know it would be wrong.“ Clarke continues. “We should talk. I think?” 

“You sound convinced.” I tease. Wow, I love that feeling of being at eye level with Clarke for once in my life. I could get used to that.

“Hey!” She playfully slaps my arm and gives me unexpected chills. Holy shit. The longer I stare into her eyes, the harder it get´s to resist that urge in my stomach. “Don´t do that, Woods.” 

“Oh, it´s Woods now? Alright, Griffin.” I reply playfully. 

Clarkes laugh is the most beautiful sound in the world. Her smile after that? I could die right here and be happy with it. “Since when do you have game?” 

And that changes the mood. We both feel it. 

“Want to come in?” I suggest and point to the door to my right. 

Clarke nods. 

I unlock my apartment and let her in. Straight in front of us, there´s my living room after a short corridor. To the left are my bedroom and my writing room, on the other side lie the bathroom and a mostly open kitchen. And on my couch sits Anya, waiting, while pretending to watch TV. 

“There you are.” She says, as if she had just found her keys or something.

“Could you… leave us? We have a lot to talk. In private.”

“Talking? Wow, you´re really boring, Woods.” She retorts in her constantly sarcastic undertone. “Well, I´m out of here. Behave.”

Clarke stands by the wardrobe, watching quietly as Anya makes her exit. 

“Would you mind taking your shoes off? Anya ignores my wishes, but I love my carpet and I…” 

She interrupts me right away. “You don´t have to explain. It´s more comfortable anyway.” She slips her sneakers off and puts them next to mine. “You´ve got a really beautiful place here, Lexa. Would you mind, if I take a look off of the balcony?” 

Yes, the artist in her. I remember. “Not at all. I´ll grab something to drink for us in the meantime.” I did notice, that she called me Lexa. It feels strangely distant hearing her say my name this way.

I watch her movements as she walks over the doors and opens them. She´s nervous, I can tell. But in a strange way that gives me the confidence to have that talk. Maybe she isn´t that brave and almighty, like I thought? 

The sun has left it´s peak a few hours ago, but I can still feel the warmth on my face, as I join her outside. My balcony is one of my favorite places in the world – definitely a top ten. I put two bottles of coke on the table in the middle and walk over to Clarke, who leans on the railing, watching the city below us. 

“I can see the ocean.” She states surprised. It isn´t that unexpected, since Polis lies by the ocean. “That´s amazing.” 

We watch for a few more minutes, both deep in thoughts, while enjoying each others company. Okay, that´s not the whole truth. She watches the sea, I watch the wind in her hair, her smile, her eyes. Literally everything about her. 

Suddenly she turns her head. “We should have that talk. But I´m not sure, where to start.” 

“Me neither. It doesn´t matter. How about we say, what we have to and see where it leads?” I suggest. “Can I start?” 

It´s now or never, I can feel it. 

“Yeah. Can we sit?” 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The talk, finally!  
> And some drama, because what would a story be without, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg, the feedback is amazing. I´ve never had the courage to show my work to anyone beside my best friend, so uploading was a really big step for me. Thank you - for the kudos, the comments, the hits, everything! <3
> 
> Next chapter is almost finished.
> 
> As always: tell me your thoughts about this one.

#### Clarke

 

I´m sure, I have to sit down for that. I don’t know what she will say, but there aren´t that many options. And at least half of them scare the shit out of me. Who am I kidding? All of them do. 

I watch her face, while she opens the bottle of coke she set on the table before. She takes a sip, before she clears her throat and her eyes lock with mine. 

“You remember the day on the airport?” She wants to know. 

Hell, of course I do! I´ve dreamt of at least ten other ways that day could have ended. I spent weeks taking every word, every movement apart, analyzing what it could mean. 

I nod. 

“The days before that, I tried to find the courage, to finally tell you how I felt. But I didn´t find it. I know, it´s dumb, but I was so damn scared. Of not being worthy, of holding you back, of being rejected, of not being able to… to love. There were so many thoughts crossing my mind, I… I don´t know. But what I knew or felt was, that this would be it. The end. I saw it in your eyes, even though it did take some time to understand. And I hated you for that. I… I never thought about your reasons.”

Lexa is still looking into my eyes. It´s the longest speech I´ve ever heard from her and it´s hard, not to stop her from talking by the third sentence. Not worthy? Oh my god, how could she ever think that? Listening to her saying such things breaks my heart. 

“I was angry. I was sad. But most of it had to do with me. I tried keeping in contact, but maybe I didn´t-” 

“No.” I interrupt her. I have to do that now. She has to know how I felt back than – how I feel now. “You did try. I was the one who gave up. Lex, I loved you so much and I couldn´t keep it to myself any longer, so I had to put some distance between us. I couldn´t take it anymore, I… But I never thought, that you would feel the same! If I´d have known, I would have never left your side!” 

It´s hard, keeping that much eye contact. Especially in the troubled state I am right now. Even more difficult is staying away from her – not wrapping my arms around her and holding her close. 

“God, I´m so sorry. We´ve wasted so much time. I wish I had told you, I… I almost did. But then I thought, you´d be better off without me, because… You always saw so much in me and I didn´t want to disappoint you and-” I´m rambling before I even notice it. 

“Clarke.” The way she says my name, makes my heart skip a beat. Literally. “You´re everything I see in you. You´re perfect the way you are, you´ve always been. Don´t you see that?” 

Now my eyes are definitely filled with tears, but I don´t mind at all, because her green eyes are too. “I could give that right back, I guess.”

Lexa´s laughing freely, her voice so melodic, I wish I could paint a sound. “We´re really dumb, aren´t we?” 

I nod, because yeah, we are. 

“Lex.” I continue softer, more gentle and cautious, after a few seconds passed in silence. “I meant it, when I told you I love you. I did all those years through highschool and college. I tried not to. But I still do.” 

And I can´t resist the urge to grab her hand, lying on the table between us, any longer. So I give in. Her hand is warm and it doesn´t take her long, to reciprocate the gesture. We sit there, our fingers intertwined, in silence. 

If I don´t count our I love you´s, it´s the most intimate moment we ever shared. Once and for all: finally honest, free. 

“I loved you, too.” Lexa says after a while. “From the moment I met you, I think, I started to fall for you. Every day a little more.” She´s smiling shyly.

God, I adore her. With all of my heart. 

I watch her face and realize, that I could do that forever. It´s scary and a little bit frightening, but this bubble we exist in? I could build my life in it. 

She withstands my look without hesitation. I try to take her in, her eyes, her lips – shit, bad idea. Looking at them makes me long to kiss her. 

After a while, Lexa pulls her hands back and stands up. I can´t help but panic. Was it too much? Too fast? Did she notice my thoughts? Am I that obvious?

I watch her walking inside. I know she needs time for thinking. That´s who she is – rush decisions? Always a bad idea, when it comes to Lexa. And I want to give her all the time in the world and when she asks for that, I´ll wait as long as I need to. 

But I need to know, where we stand and a few seconds later I can´t take it any longer and I have to follow her. 

She´s standing in the kitchen, hands pressed onto the surface, head down. 

“Lex?” I ask carefully. She doesn´t react. So I step closer – if I´d reach out, I could touch her. My fingers urge to do so. But I wait. “Please, would you talk to me? What are you thinking?”

Lexa doesn´t respond right away. When she does, she lifts her head, still not turning around. “I… I´m sorry.” 

No, don´t say that. I can´t… you can´t… Oh my god. Please. 

I´m about to have a heart attack. She just can´t do that. She can´t break up with me – not before we had a chance. “No, I-”

“Jesus, Clarke, would you just listen for once?” She asks, a laughter caught in her voice, as she turns around. She doesn´t look sad or angry or like she´s about to throw me out.

“Sorry. Panic mode.” 

“Yeah, I know.” She sighs, rolling her magnificent eyes. It´s the cutest thing I´ve ever seen. “So. What I was about to say before you interrupted is, that I don´t know, if it´s a good idea. But I… I love you and I want to be with you.”

I can only stare at her and blink. Did she just? 

Oh. My. God. Best. Moment. Of. My. Life. 

My inner self literally freaks out and I have a hard time stopping myself from jumping around the kitchen, while I smile more brightly than I´ve ever done. 

“Yes.”

“I didn´t ask a question.” She states, smiling. 

“I mean, yes, I want the same. God, Lex, you have no idea how much I want to be with you.” 

Without another word she wraps her arms around me and I get to finally bury my face in the crook of her neck again. I´m right where I have to be. 

 

\------

 

I can´t quite say, how much time passes, before we take a step back. 

I long to kiss those lips. I long to know how she tastes and how her lips feel against mine. She loves me. I still can´t wrap my head around that. Just two weeks ago I didn´t know where she was and now? I can´t take it anymore. 

“Lex.” I whisper, knowing that my voice is trembling. “I… Can I… Can I kiss you?” 

Shit, it sounded a little desperate. Oh fuck it. I don´t care. 

I can´t interpret the look in her eyes. Is it sadness? Fear? 

“I don´t think, that would be a good idea, Clarke.” She says slowly, the tone of her voice tense. “Don´t get me wrong, I want you to, but I…”

But. No. Please. Please, don´t say that. Don´t.

“I… I´m not sure, if we´re at the same point right now.” 

“What´s that supposed to mean?” I snap at her and regret it the second I do. “I´m sorry, I didn´t mean-”

“See, that´s the point.” Lexa interrupts me. “You´re emotionally messed up and that´s okay, it really is, because you lost your Dad. But it´s not the right time to start something. You need time to grieve and I know, you don´t see that, but I do. So it´s not a no, it´s… a not yet.” 

I´m speechless. She told me she loves me and she wants to be with me – just not yet? Again? 

I turn around, so she can´t see the tears welling in my eyes. A part of me understands, what she´s trying to tell me. That the feelings between us are to important and to valuable, to be caught up in my – our grieve. And maybe it´s this truth, what makes it even more painful. Because she´s right. We should take our time. 

But why does her “not yet” feel like a “no” when it isn´t one? It´s a rejection. A no. And the thought of shatters my heart into a thousand pieces, because head and heart aren´t the same. They both have minds on their own.

“Clarke-”

I shake my head. I don´t want to hear it again. 

“Clarke, look at me.” She touches my shoulder, but I refuse to turn around, so I shake it off. I can feel her presence close behind me and feel like suffocating, when she continues to speak. “I love you. That´s not going to change. And I´ll still be here for you, whenever you need me. Just not… this way. Not yet. Give us a little time to process things, to figure things out.” 

“Okay.” I say, even though every single cell in my body screams the opposite. It´s not okay, it´s the furthest away from it. “I know. You´re right.” 

She isn´t. At least not completely. 

“Then why don´t you look at me?” 

I bite my trembling lips to stop myself from crying. “I´m gonna go now. I´m sorry, I… I´m gonna go.” I whisper, so she won´t hear the hurt in my voice, and before she can reach for me, I´ve grabbed my jacket. 

“Clarke-” 

“I´m okay.” I say, putting on my shoes. Even though it´s not. And yes, I´m running again, but I can´t look into her eyes. Because if I did, I would start crying and sobbing and she would hold me. But it wouldn´t be the way I want her to. 

Lexa kneels beside me, while I try to tie my shoes, but my fingers are shaking too much and it takes too long. Damn it! “No, you´re not. Look at me, please.”

Please. The word echoes through my mind. 

“I said, I´m okay!” The words come out louder, then I wanted them to. But she got me to meet her beautiful eyes. This time I recognize sadness in them. And she´s so damn close. I want to wrap my arms around her, hold her and never let her go. I want to… But she doesn´t. Not yet. 

Doesn´t she see, that she´s the only thing keeping me together? Keeping me from losing my mind? Doesn´t she see that? 

“See you soon…” I say. I can´t finish that sentence, not this one, not this time. I get up, wiping my tears away and open the door. 

“Clarke, wait-” She tries, but I don´t even hear her words anymore. Mostly, because I don´t want to, but because I´m literally running towards the stairs, too. Waiting for an elevator would take too much time and I need to get out of here. 

So I take the stairs as fast as I can, my lungs are burning. And when I get to my car, I´m already crying and sobbing. 

I don´t even know, how I get home that day. 

 

\-------------

 

#### Lexa

#### 

 

Shit. She got it the wrong way. 

I´m good with words, when it comes to writing. But it´s safe. You can change their order, you can use another word. You take your time finding the correct way to express a thought or a feeling. You get as many sentences, as you need. 

But verbally? 

I could literally see her shutting me out before I had finished my third sentence. Hurt and pain appeared in her crystal blue eyes and it felt like a punch in the gut, to know, that my words caused that. 

There was a trembling in her voice, which told me she was close to tears. 

Every attempt to explain bounced off of her. And then she was gone, running down the stairs as fast as her feet could carry her. She hates taking the stairs. How much must I have hurt her?

Shit. 

We were making progress. We had a really good talk, until I went and screwed it up.

I wouldn´t take back, what I had intended to say. Clarke needs to be sure about… us, before we start something. She needs to mourn her father and care for her family. 

Doesn´t she? 

But I never meant to hurt her. I never meant to make her cry. 

Damn, and now she´s driving home in this state.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We´ll learn more about Aden (I really love that kid) and the second part of the talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 10 already!! 
> 
> Hope you like it - I´m quite happy about it. ;)
> 
> As always: Wishes? Hopes? Thoughts? Would you like to see more of Aden?  
> Tell me what you think about this one, every feedback is a good one.

#### Four days later

#### 

 

#### Lexa

#### 

 

I´m sitting in my car, waiting for Aden’s school to be over. It´s some kind of tradition, that I pick him up on every second Wednesday, when I´m in town. And it´s his first day of school since… well. Since Jake died. 

The thought of it still makes my heart wrench. But to be honest, a lot of things do at the moment. 

I tried to call her. Clarke. But she won´t pick up or call back. Whenever I visit – once a day usually, sometimes even for lunch or dinner – she keeps hiding in her room until I´m gone. 

“She says, you wanted space, you get space.” Aden told me yesterday. 

“I never asked for space.”

“I know what you said her. She told me.” He replied, before he turned around and went back upstairs.

So he´s angry too. That´ll enrichen my day a lot. But nevertheless I´m here and Aden makes his way towards my car. Maybe he isn´t mad. Maybe he´s just a thirteen year old, who´s lost his dad. 

“Hey.” I say, as he opens the door and hops in. “How was it?” 

He´s looking really tired and it´s admirable, that he went to school today. I still don´t feel like working and it´s not the first time I´ve lost someone, but he´s just a kid. 

Aden shrugs. “Everyone says sorry all the time, like it´s supposed to change anything, like it´s supposed to make things better. I don´t want them to.”

“What do you want?”

He lifts his head, clearly not expecting my question. “Could we… grab some burgers and go to the beach? I´d really like that.” 

My smile isn´t probably the most natural one. It feels a little forced, but I´m not the only one, so maybe that´s okay. 

“Sure.” 

Aden is the only person who knows my favorite place. 

\-----

 

“What does it feel like?” He suddenly asks and makes me stop unpacking my burger. 

We had just sat down in the sand. It´s a bit cold and windy, but we both don´t mind. It´s a peaceful place out here and we´re the only ones. Perhaps that´s all he needs right now. 

“What? Smiling?” It´s not the best answer, but I have literally no clue, for what he´s aiming, so it´s a safe choice. 

Aden rolls his eyes, which have the same shade as his sisters´. “No, dumbass. Love. What´s it like to love someone?” 

Oh. I didn´t see this one coming. I´m truly surprised by his question, but I want to answer it anyway. 

“It´s crazy. Scary. The most annoying feeling in the world, but at the same time the best. I don´t… know. It makes you heard spin, your heart beat faster, your legs shake. You want to change for the better, to be the one who deserves her. It´s… it´s everything. You´ll know, I promise.” 

Aden nods, like he expected my answer. “When did you know? That you love her?” 

His sky blue eyes remind me so much of hers, that I can´t do anything, but give him an honest answer to this question, too. 

“You mean like an exact moment?” 

He nods again, curiosity written all over his face.

“When she shoved John Murphy into a locker, after he pushed my books on the floor, and made him apologize afterwards. That´s when I knew, I would fall for her. No one ever stood up for me this way.” I say, looking at the ocean, while thinking about that day, a big smile plastered on my face. “But I knew for sure, when we went shopping for Christmas a year later. She… she looked so damn beautiful in her darkblue coat and she had to smell at every candle we came across, because she tried to find “the one” for me.” I sign quotation marks in the air. 

It´s one of my most favorite memories of her and just thinking about it, gives me goosebumps. 

“I just stood there, watching, and suddenly I knew, she´s the one.” I finish my story, looking back at him. 

“Why didn´t you tell her?” 

I sigh. “Many questions today, hm?” 

Aden shrugs carefree and continues to eat his burger, his eyes focused on me, to make me tell him. He´s really good at this. 

“I was scared of those feelings. I couldn´t… I couldn´t understand, how one person can make you feel that much.” I reply after a few seconds, looking at the ocean again. 

I remember the countless nights I laid awake over this question. But it feels right, to finally talk about it. That´s why I continue. 

“And it wasn´t the right time. Yeah, maybe it´s stupid to say something like that, but I wasn´t ready for it, you know? I wasn´t ready to be loved by her and I wasn´t ready to love her the way she deserves, because I… I didn´t love myself. And you need to. You need to know and accept and love yourself, because otherwise it backfires and crashes and I… I couldn´t let that happen. It´s too precious.

After a few seconds of silence I take my eyes of the horizon and look over to him. He stares at me, his mouth hanging slightly open. It makes me smile. 

Yeah, I´m surprised too. Sometimes you need to say things, so you realize them. 

“Did you tell her at least that?” There´s a trace of annoyance in his tone. 

“No. I didn´t.”

“You should. Because she´s been crying since Saturday evening.” He says, sounding more like a grownup than ever. “Lexa, she´s scared of losing you. Don´t you see that?”

Only kids can be this direct. Only kids aren´t afraid of telling the cold, hard truth. 

I know, it was the right thing to do, when I told her, it´s not the right time. But the truth is, a part of me wanted to punish her for not seconds guessing her decision back at the airport. Wanted to hurt her like she hurt me, even though she didn´t mean to. 

But she was just as scared as I was and she had every right to be. 

So maybe, he´s right. Maybe both of them are. And maybe I was wrong.

Just the thought of her crying feels like a punch in the gut. She´s crying, because she thinks I´m breaking up with her before we even started. I´m an idiot.

“Are you mad?” Aden breaks the silence after a few minutes. 

“No.” I reassure him, smiling. “I´m not mad. I´m… grateful, that you told me. I needed to hear that, Aden.”

“Glad I could help.” 

I bend over to give him a hug. “Thank you.” 

“Always. Now let´s go home, you have some talking to do.”

“Aden-”

“No!” He gets up and looks down at me, his eyes suddenly glistening with anger and frustration. 

I didn´t see his outburst coming, so I´m too shocked to say anything. 

“You don´t get to do that! You just… don’t! My dad died! And my sister´s been crying for days, because you rejected her for some stupid reason! Yes, it´s bad timing, but who cares? What the hell is wrong with you two? For all we know, tomorrow could be too late!” 

I´m stunned. Speechless. Shocked. Amazed. 

It takes me some time to recover from this, but then I say: “Aden, I didn´t want to say no. I just wanted to ask you, if you would be okay with it. No one asked you before, so I wanted to make sure, you´d be okay with… us.” 

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” 

He crumples the paper bag, we got our burgers in, in his hands. “Well then. Let´s go get your girl. Because I´m more than okay with it.” 

“Okay.” 

“But I get to be your best man at your wedding, yes? Because I can tell lots of great and embarrassing stories about both of you.” 

I laugh amused. “Well, that´s a good reason. Promised.”

 

\-----

 

I´m fidgeting with my keys, as we make our way towards the house. 

“Lexa. Stop doing that. We prepared a speech. You´re going to do great.” Aden tells me, rolling his eyes, but I´m not so sure about it. 

“I hurt her.” 

“Yes, and she hurt you. You´ve hurt each other. But you love her, she loves you and blablabla. We´ve had that talk already.” 

I can´t help but chuckle. He´s a good kid and I like spending time with him. He´s family and I love him like a brother.

“Let´s go.”

I do as I´m told and follow him inside and upstairs, where he knocks on his sisters´ door. “Clarke? Could you open the door for a second?” 

“It´s unlocked.” She answers, her voice sounds muffled. Probably a pillow. 

“Perfect.” He whispers, pushes the door open and grabs her key. 

“What are you doing? That´s not what we´ve -” I try, but he interrupts me.

“Playing Amor.” He replies, grinning form ear to ear, and before I know it, I´m shoved into Clarkes room and then he locks the door behind me.

“Aden-” 

“Talk.” Damn it. Did I say, he´s a cute kid? I take it back. 

I can hear him walking downstairs. Slowly I turn around. Clarke is laying on her bed, wearing sweats and an old navy blue shirt. She´s been crying a while ago, her eyes are still red and puffy. Her hair is up in a messy bun, she has no makeup on - but nevertheless, she´s the most beautiful being alive. 

“What are you doing here?” She asks and sits up. Her tone isn´t as hostile as I thought it would be. 

“I came to apologize. And to tell you, that I was wrong.” I answer and try to remember my speech. “Aden gave me a piece of his mind and… I´m so sorry, Clarke. I never meant my words to turn out like this, I …” 

And I forget what I wanted to say, because I look into her eyes and my mind is blank. Just like this, all thoughts are gone and my mouth is dry. 

“You?”

I close my eyes and start telling her all the things, I want her to know. “I love you. I want to be with you. And I just wanted to make sure, that you… that you´re sure, too. That you don´t want to be with me, because you´re feeling lost and vulnerable and… And to be honest, I was hurt. I´ve been hurting since that day on the airport and I know, you never meant to leave me, but you did and I´m scared. But I love you. God, you have no idea how much.”

As I open my eyes, she´s standing in front of me, her mind unreadable. 

\------------------

 

 

#### Clarke

#### 

 

I didn´t expect her to be here. But I´m happy, that she is, because I wouldn´t have made it another day without talking to her. I could already picture myself standing outside of her apartment just a minute before midnight, like in one of those really cheesy movies.

I spent the last days mending a broken heart – broken because of her words and Dads death and… I missed her. Her voice, her eyes, her smile, her scent, her presence. Everything little thing about her. 

So I stand up and walk towards her, watching the emotions dancing on her face, while she speaks. And when she´s done talking and she opens her eyes, I say the only thing on my mind. 

“No, you were right. I needed some time. But … Can I kiss you now?”

Her only answer is a smile full of relieve, followed by a shy nod and my hand slowly finds it´s way to the back of her neck. She doesn´t pull away, instead she leans in and I finally get to kiss her. 

It´s soft and sweet and innocent. It´s more of a short peck on the lips, than a real kiss. It´s like testing unknown water and it´s over before I can even process what happened. But it means the world to me. 

Because it's full of love and desire and promises.

We rest our foreheads together after we part, her arms sneak around my hips as if they did that forever. I fucking love that feeling.

“Can we… go slow?” I ask, my voice definitely shaking now. 

“You mean like going on dates?” 

How can she even manage a straight sentence right now? It has to be some superhuman power, because I´m a mess. A perfectly happy mess. My knees feel shaky, my heart is racing and it hasn´t even been one of these kisses.

I can see her smiling and suppress the urge to kiss her again, when I feel her breath on my face. “I don´t know, just… slow. I want to do this right.” 

“Me too. And I´m sorry.” She replies. “For not telling you sooner, for saying these things on Saturday…”

“I´m sorry too. For everything. Start over?” 

I can feel her nod and with this tiny little gesture I´m the happiest and luckiest person on earth right now. 

This moment is all I ever wanted. All I ever dreamt of. She's loving and caring, funny, loyal and smart, cute, sometimes stubborn, a dreamer deep down, every once in a while a pain in the ass, she's beautiful, gorgeous, sexy as hell and sometimes a really endearing dork- but she is my little dork.

“Clarke?” She asks, her voice barely a whisper.

“Yeah?” 

“Are we going too fast, if I kiss you again? Because you´re so close and I-”

I swallow her words in a kiss. 

This one´s less cautious and nervous. Lexa loses her insecurity the second our lips meet. She pulls me closer until our bodies are practically pressed against each other and just a moment later her back meets my bedroom door. She doesn´t care. Her hands roam my back and then suddenly a wave of heat washes through my body, when her tongue asks for entrance. Holy shit. 

But I can´t help myself, I grant her access and everything after that feels like I´m on fire. Like a crazy, firework-like explosion of pure sensation. Her taste, her smell. The feeling of her tongue swiping across my lips and colliding with mine. Damn. I could drown in that feeling forever.

At some point I have to break away to catch my breath. I take a few steps back, just to make sure, we don´t lose the last bit of restraint. My mind wanders to really adult stuff, while I watch her face.

Her cheeks are red and we both are breathing hard.

“Shit.” I say. 

“Too fast?” She asks, a teasing smile on her lips. 

It´s a rhetorical question, I know that, because damn, that´s everything but not too fast. I could literally rip her clothes off and… I shake my head. “Just right. Don´t worry.”

I take in the sight in front of me, trying to memorize every little detail of it. 

But I can't hold any longer.

I take her face in my hands and kiss her lips softly. “Damn, it´s so good I finally get to do that. You can´t imagine. I… I love you, Lex. You know that? Everything about you.”

"I love you, too."

An hour ago I felt like the weight of the world was about to crush and bury me and now... Thinking about it brings back the reality. I´ve lost my Dad one and a half weeks ago. I´ve spent the last days crying and coping.

That´s one way to kill the mood for sure. 

Lexa senses the change in my emotions before I do. Suddenly I find myself wrapped up in a hug, which makes me think of Dads warm embrace. They both had so much in common and being with her right now is strangely calming, because she knows. She knows.

“I miss him.” I whisper. 

“I know, baby. I know. I do, too.” She answers, her hand circling soothingly over my back. Until she realizes, what she had just said. 

I can feel her stiffen in my arms, she´s about to take it back. But I interrupt her before she can do that, smiling at the thought of her calling me baby. “Don´t. We´ve declared our love, I think you can call me whatever you want.” 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some cuteness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m not exactly over the top with this chapter, but I promised to update daily, if possible, so here it is.
> 
> Tomorrow is going to be a rough day - don´t hate me, if I miss tomorrow. 
> 
> And besides: I´m already working on another story. :D
> 
> As always: thank you so much for reading!! I love every comment on my work, because it makes me a better writer, so don´t hesitate. 
> 
> I haven't planned out the whole story, feel free to tell me what you'd like to read! 
> 
> love,  
> LJT

\----

“You know, you could stay here, right?” 

“You need some family time, Clarke. And I need to get some writing done.” She replies. She´s the reasonable one, like she always used to be. But she seems to enjoy this position a bit too much. 

I pout, knowing, that it´ll make her hesitate and it´ll be really hard for her to say no. 

“I´ll see you tomorrow, okay? Deal?” 

I furrow my eyebrows and cross my arms, but it´s fake. I´m just trying hard, I have to admit. But she stays strong, until I sigh and make her laugh. 

“You´re tough, Woods.” 

I haven´t imagined it being like this. Feeling like we might be the complete package – friends and … more. But she makes it feel so easy.

“So we´re back to Woods again, yes? Alright Griffin. See ya tomorrow.” She playfully detaches herself from my arms and grabs the door of car.

“Okay, no more games. You´re really not staying here then?”

She nods. “I´m sure we won´t be able to sleep, if we share a bed. And you know we would. So… No, I´m not doing that. I need my beauty sleep.” 

I love that grin on her face. Like she can´t believe it herself. Damn, she´s so sexy. No, I definitely would not sleep a single second. Probably I´d spent my night staring at her, like a creep.

My expression returns to a more serious one, because I won´t win this discussion. “I´m going to miss you. Is that crazy?” 

“I´m going to miss you too. But we´ll see each other first thing in the morning. If you can get up early for once. I´m not so sure about that, because your record says otherwise.”

I roll my eyes and lean in for another kiss – it´s the third since I´ve walked her to her car. As she breaks away, I swear, she considers changing her mind for a second. 

“I love you, Lex. Can I call you?” 

“Whenever you want. And I love you, too. Good night, Clarke.” She says, brushing a loose strand of hair out of my face, kissing me one last time, before she gets in her car.

“See you soon, racoon. Drive safe.” I answer, smiling like the lovestruck idiot that I´m feeling like. But hey, I´m allowed to, because I´m madly in love with this gorgeous woman and she loves me back.

I watch her fasten her seatbelt, pulling out of my driveway and driving down the road. I can still feel her kiss on my lips. Her perfume is everywhere and I really miss her presence. What the fuck had just happened? 

A lot of things feel unreal today. 

First of all: Dad not being home. 

Second: the thought of him never being home again. That´s probably the most unreal thing of all, because he used to travel a lot for work, so it kind of feels like him being on a work trip. 

And third: Lexa and I kissed. I could say finally, but to be honest I always imagined me to get my head out of my ass and ask her on a date first. Maybe I should do that? Ask her out? 

She´s changed so much. Her confidence is breathtaking and admirable. And she has game. Her flirting makes me stutter. And she´s a fantastic kisser.

As I am sitting down on the stairs in front of my childhood home I spent years in, dreaming of Lexa Woods being my girlfriend, I realize I´m still smiling. A part of me feels guilty about it, but I know, Dad would be happy about it – after all, he was like our number one fan. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it´s scary. And yes, it feels too soon. But at the same time already years too late. Does that even make sense?

I feel like not a single thought makes sense since Lexa kissed me. God, my lips are still burning. 

A sudden movement behind me makes me jump. 

“Do you want to spend the night here?” Mom asks, trying to smile, but it doesn´t reach her eyes fully. After all, she´s lost her Lexa and I can´t imagine, how that feels. “I´m just asking, since you´ve been sitting here about half an hour.” 

I roll my eyes and get up, after I´ve calmed my nerves. I didn’t notice the time passing. But I wrap my arms around my Mom and bury my face in the crook of her neck like I used to, when I was a kid. 

Mom reciprocates my gesture immediately. “Hey, are you alright?” 

I lose myself in her familiar warmth, before I answer, while I take a step back, to watch her face. She´s aged by years within a week. “Yeah, I´m good. A little more than good. Which feels weird after all.” 

“Lexa?” Her knowing smile makes me blush. How did we never notice our feelings weren´t one sided, but everyone around us did? Dad knew. Hell, even my Mom did and she hasn´t been home a lot during Highschool due to work. 

“We talked. And we…”

Mom frowns, still smiling at me. Okay, why is it so hard to say it? 

“We… are together. Sort of.”

“Sort of? Honey, either you are or you´re not.” I know, she knows. But she wants me to say it and part of wants, too.

“I´m not sure about it, but I… I will ask her on a date.” I exhale. It´s a liberating act to tell her. In a strange way it´s making my feelings for Lexa real and precious, like it´s something I can hold on to. 

“Took you long enough. Now let´s go inside and get something to eat. Your brother has been bugging more for over an hour. I thought about getting pizza? What do you think?”

Wait. Who the hell is she and what did she do to my mother? 

I can only stare at her, but that makes her grin wider. It´s still not reaching her eyes and maybe it never will again. 

We´ve never had an easy connection. There was always some trouble between us. Either about my future plans or my style or my behavior. It has never felt… relaxed. On the other hand – terrible things bring people closer. 

“Yeah, sounds great.” I manage to say after a few seconds. 

“Do you want to invite her?” 

I think about that option for a moment, before I shake my head. “No, some family time will do us good. Can she join us for breakfast though? Would that be okay?” 

“Of course, she´s more than welcome. Want to tell her right away?” She smirks. 

“Hey, we´re not attached to the hip.” No, that´s a lie. During Highschool we we´re inseparable. And I would be perfectly fine if we were today, too. I love spending time with her – always have. Mom knows that of course and she can see it in my eyes. 

“I´ll make the call, you tell her. I know you want to.”

Rolling my eyes doesn´t seem to be a god idea, so all I do is sigh and pull out my phone while following Mom inside. Sometimes I´m surprised how well she knows me. But that´s what mothers should do, right? Her noticing the most important part of me is enough reparation for trying to force me into med-school. After all she meant good. I think. 

Lexa picks up almost immediately. “So I didn´t dream it?” She asks directly. She never bothered with simple things like “hello” or stuff. 

I can´t stop myself from smiling brightly at the sound of her voice. How often through the last years have I wondered if she still sounded the same? How often have I wanted to dial her number? 

“No, you didn´t. I just talked to Mom and asked her about breakfast. You´re welcome.”

“Well, that´s surprising.” She comments laughing. God, I love that sound. 

From the look my Mom gives me, she can see the heart eyes I´m having right now, so I turn away and walk to the kitchen, while she makes the call for our pizza.

“Lex?” 

“Yes?” 

“I know, we still have a lot to discuss and all that, but I… I just wanted to say, that I really want to do this with you. And I… I wondered if I could take you out on a date? A real one?” I´m biting my lip as I wait for an answer, my eyes closed, listening to the sound of her breathing. 

“Clarke, I would love to. But I wanted to be the one that asked.” 

Now I´m definitely laughing. “Always so eager, Miss Woods.” I tease and listen to her snorting. It´s the most adorable sound in this world. Actually, there isn´t one sound out of her mouth, that I don´t love. 

“Of course. You know me.” She sighs dramatically. “What do you have in mind?” 

“Oh, you´ll find out soon enough, I promise.” 

“Can´t wait, Clarke. And I can´t wait for tomorrow.” 

“Me neither.” And here again I´m smiling like some lovestruck idiot. Except, that I don’t feel like an idiot – more like the happiest person on earth. 

“So. Because I know you, I´m gonna hang up now. See you tomorrow.” 

“I don´t want to-”

And she´s gone. Just like this. Did she really hang up on me? What the hell is wrong with her, pulling the same moves like back in highschool? Aren´t we more grown up than that by now? A second later I receive a text. 

**Lexa: sry, baby, but we wouldn´t stop talking, you know that. <3**

**Me: when did u get that dominant?**

**Lexa: maybe I´ve always been and you just never got to know these parts? :P**

Is she flirting? She is, right? I mean, damn. That´s some serious teasing. I feel like I need a cold shower right now. Or better yesterday? 

**Me: we´ll see who´s the dominant in that part of our relationship. :P**

**Lexa: Enjoy your dinner…**

**Me: leave me hanging?**

No reply. Shit, she´s good. I´m thinking about our kisses back upstairs. And suddenly I´m thinking about all the things I plan on doing to her. That shower suddenly seems really necessary. 

I grab some lemonade and make my way to the living room to join Mom and Aden, when I receive an answer. 

**Lexa: yes.**

**Me: wow, you´re playing dirty, Woods.**

**Lexa: Woods again? I thought we established other nicknames, baby.  
Lexa: and yes, I like dirty. :P **

I choke on my lemonade and spend the next two minutes coughing. Mom watches me concerned from across the room. 

**Lexa: still alive?**

**Me: barely. Almost choked on lemonade. I hate u.**

**Lexa: :(  
Lexa: I´ll stop now. You have dinner and I have to do some writing. **

**Me: u are writing. With me. That´s way better.**

**Lexa: but it sadly doesn´t pay the bills. ;)**

**Me: imagine me pouting. Does it change anything?**

**Lexa: makes it harder. But I have to.  
Lexa: I love you. See you tomorrow  <3 **

I sigh, before I reply. 

**Me: guess u have to lose some battles to win a war. I love u 2. Can´t wait! See you soon… <3<3**

**Lexa: not gonna step in that trap. <3<3<3 **

I put my phone away, still grinning widely, and find Aden staring at me amused. 

“What?” 

“Who´s got you smiling that bright?” 

“Nobody.” 

“So… Lexa.”

I send him my most annoyed look, but secretly I´m just happy, that I got him to talk and that he´s not angry about it. 

“You know, you could say thank you. I locked you two in your room.”

“Thank you. Happy?” 

He shrugs, but his smile gives him away. I have to thank Lexa for spending time with him during the last four years. 

Only seconds later the bell rings and our pizza is delivered.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´d like to know, where you want me to take the Story? What would you like to read? 
> 
> Love,  
> LJT

#### Lexa

I don´t exactly know, what´s gotten into me, writing that stuff. Normally I don´t do that. But she makes it too easy and it´s too tempting. 

I´ve never been one to flirt and date. Anya tried hard, but she had no luck. 

Part of me was scared to try. Having no real experiences makes it only harder the older you get. I got my first real kiss while playing seven minutes in heaven in Highschool. And I got it from Clarke. To be honest, I´m not sure if she remembers, because she was really drunk that night. I have to ask her some time. 

But part of me didn´t want to try, because no one could make me feel the way Clarke did. Or does, I correct myself smiling. I don’t have to hide or deny my feelings anymore. 

I feel like squealing excited and lovestruck like a teenage girl, while I jump through my apartment and fall to bed, hugging my pillow. 

I spend my night lying awake, tossing and turning.

Either I think about Clarke in general or about those kisses. The heat flooding my veins, the thoughts crossing my mind. And that doesn’t help at all. She makes me feel things I never felt before. She makes me want to do things I never wanted to do with anybody else. 

As the sun crawls through my window, I roll over and grab my phone like I always do. Check social media, write some post if I´m in the mood (doesn´t happen very often) or just read some comments from fans to boost my ego. 

Today, I don´t do anything of that. Today I read a text from Clarke. My… girlfriend? 

**Clarke: good morning beautiful <3 see, I´m awake. Before u! Ha!**

**Me: by three minutes. Who says, I haven´t been out for a run already? But: good morning to you too <3<3**

**Clarke: if u say so…**

**Me: no, I haven´t. You win. Happy?**

**Clarke: I would be happier if u stayed the night.**

**Me: didn´t sleep well? :(**

**Clarke: no. U?**

**Me: no. missed you.**

**Clarke: wouldn´t have happened if u stayed with me. :P**

Okay, now I have to do something. It would be easy for Anya to find an answer for that. I can only try.

**Me: in that case none of us would´ve have slept at all I think. And we´d be way more exhausted.**

**Clarke: …**

**Clarke: u have to stop that!**

**Me: really?**

**Clarke: No. I like it. But u know, that u have to live up to expectations now, right?**

Oh shit. She got me. Expectations. Me? In any sexual way? How can I, having literally zero experience?

I freak. Maybe flirting and teasing was a bad idea. 

I know, at some point – in the future – we´ll get to this… intimate point. I want to, I really do. But… oh my god. 

**Clarke: U still there? :P**

No, I´m having a small panic attack and can´t answer right now. 

**Clarke: Lex?**

Minutes pass as I stare on my screen and try to formulate an answer. 

**Clarke: Hey, Lex, u okay?**

I have to tell her. At some point. Before this intimate point. How do I do that? Hey, Clarke, I just wanted to let you know, I´m still a virgin and those messages were just for testing waters and not seeming like an idiot? 

I know, it´s dumb to freak over a few text messages. But Clarke is Clarke. She is intimidating and admirable at the same time. 

**Me: talk later, gotta get in the shower, if I want to be ready for breakfast I time. <3 **

I don´t wait for an answer. Instead, I shut off my phone and get in my shower, before I can change my mind and transform back into the insecure version of myself. Only Clarke is able to evoke this part of me. 

 

\----

 

An hour later I have cooled off a little. I was able to drive safe and to put these thoughts aside, at least for the most part. 

Anticipation took it´s toll on me, so I am a brightly smiling mess as I park my car in the Griffins driveway and get out of my car. I have barely closed my door and locked my car, when Clarke flies into my arms. 

“H-hey.” I stutter, my lungs searching for air. The fresh aroma of vanilla shampoo lies in the air, mixed with her familiar scent. The last part of insecurity fades with that. 

“God, I missed you.” She says and before I can process, her lips meet mine in a deep, demanding, but loving kiss. Can´t complain about that. 

Suddenly her tongue swipes across my lower lip and begs for entrance and I can´t say no to that. My brain isn´t programmed for denying her. When her tongue brushes against mine, Clarke moans quietly and my knees almost buckle. Holy shit. 

Everything afterwards works on pure instinct. My body is on fire and my head is spinning. All the tension I felt throughout those years seems to lie in that kiss. It´s messy, but I don´t care, as long as Clarkes tongue keeps exploring my mouth the way she does, as long as her hands stays on the back of my neck and as long as I get to hold the woman of my dreams.

All of the sudden I´m pressed against my car with a muffled thud. Seems to become a habit. But it pulls us back out of our bubble of want and tension and we break away, panting and gasping for air. 

“Whoa.” Clarke manages to say after at least a minute, her face just millimeters from mine. Hot breath brushes against my face. “That´s a good morning how I like it.”

I would sign that statement on instant. And I pad my should in my head, because that´s the confirmation I needed to know I was right yesterday. We wouldn´t have slept at all. Eight years of secret desire and a shared bed? 

“Lex, you alright?” She asks, pulling back a bit so she can see my face.

“Yeah, why not? I´m holding the most beautiful girl of the world in my arms.” 

“That´s impossible. Since I´m the one holding her.” 

I roll my eyes. Of course she would say that. Every compliment I gave her, she turned right back. 

“So, what´s on that beautiful mind of yours?” She inquires. 

“I´m happy. I haven´t been in a long time.” That´s only half of the truth, but the Griffins driveway doesn´t seem like the perfect place to talk about stuff like that. Not, when her Mom is expecting us for breakfast. 

“I´m happy too. Now, let´s go get breakfast, hm?” 

 

#### Clarke.

#### 

 

It´s too early for my liking, but I´d get up at five in the morning or drive all night, just to spend some time with her, so… 

Even Aden´s up and quite talkative. 

The moment he sees Lexa, he runs towards her, claiming a high-five. Oh yeah, he played Amor, of course he´ll remember us of that whenever he gets the chance. But Lexa doesn´t seem to mind. She even ruffles his hair, which makes him groan. 

I chuckle. It´s feels so familiar and normal to see moments like these, that it makes me think about the time I´ve missed. Our lives would´ve been completely different. 

Lexa catches me staring at her and she smiles genuinely. 

That´s when Abby makes her entrance. She hugs Lexa tightly and whispers something in her ears, that makes her blush immediately. 

“Mom. What did you tell her?” 

“Nothing.” She answers. “I´m completely innocent.” 

“Mom!” 

“It´s okay, Clarke. Really. Stop worrying.” Lexa reassures me and leans over to kiss my temple, before following my mother into the kitchen naturally. 

I just stand there and watch the three most important people in my life making breakfast. Aden and Lexa make waffles and I have to admit, they form a really well coordinated team – functioning on little to no words. 

Mom joins me standing in the doorway, after the two of them claim the whole kitchen. She´s got a smile on her face and I hug her for a short moment, overwhelmed with emotions. 

 

\-------------

 

#### Lexa.

#### 

 

The more time I spent with Clarke, the less nervous I become. I don´t know, what it is, but she´s acting so natural, so self-evident. 

A while after the breakfast – Aden has left for school some time ago – I´m sitting outside on the steps behind the house. 

The Griffins backyard was one of the places I spent four summers of my life in. Even tough the pool is empty by this time of the year, I can see myself jumping into the water or being chased around it by Clarke.

Honestly, a part of me feared, that I´d lose my inspirations after yesterday, but I didn´t. My mind is running wild with dozens of new ideas. Okay, my new stories might not be full of darkness or sadness, but I guess, that´s a price my fans have to pay. 

I´m deeply lost in thoughts, so I don´t notice her standing behind me, watching me, until she walks over and sits down next to me.

“What´s on that lovely mind of yours?” She asks, her bright blue eyes watching my face closely. 

I raise my arm and brush her hair behind her ear. She´s really mine. I still can´t believe it. “You´re beautiful.” 

Clarke blushes, but my answer wasn´t enough to change the topic. “That´s not an answer. Something´s up, I can tell.” 

I take a deep breath and try to decide, what to tell her first. Both things are really important, but only one of them is urgent. “I have to go to Ton DC tomorrow, over the weekend. It´s for work and it was set up for a while. I´m sorry.” 

“You don´t ever have to be sorry for living your dream, Lex! Never! I´m proud of you and I support you. Okay?” She replies, frowning, when I nod silently. “Is there more?” 

Now I sigh. She knows me too well. But I´m not sure, if this place is the right one to tell her. “Yeah, but can… can we wait? It´s nothing serious, I promise.” 

She´s skeptical, I see it in her eyes, but she nods nevertheless. “I trust you. You´re going to tell me, when you´re ready.” 

“I will.”

“But I won´t lie to you, either.” She answers, suddenly looking really serious. “I´m going to miss you like crazy, Lex. So expect a lot of texts, okay? And you have to call me, at least twice a day.”

I´m laughing. Shit, a part of me got scared already. “Of course. I´ll be back on Sunday.” 

“That´s hell of a lot time. What am I going to do for so long?” 

I adore that wide smile on her lips.

“Painting?” I suggest. It´s one of the few things I know about her, that she kept doing or liking. But strangely, it doesn´t make me sad, because I get to know her again and I can´t wait to learn the little things about her.

“I´ll draw you something.” 

“I´d like that.” 

Clarke leans over, until her nose almost touches mine. “I love you.” She whispers, before her soft lips touch mine, just for a little moment. “And I can´t wait to take you out.” 

I smile into the next kiss, while I deepen it. It´s innocent, but pure. It´s full of familiarity and intimacy and love. And for a split second I can picture myself sitting next to her for the rest of our lives. Some day I´m going to marry her, if she´ll have me.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it´s a short chapter, but better than none. 
> 
> I haven´t had much time today, hope tomorrow will be better! 
> 
> As always: thanks for reading!  
> love,  
> LJT  
> \-----

#### Clarke.

#### 

 

Friday morning I decide to move back into my apartment with Raven and Octavia. 

Mom said, she wanted some normality for the day, so she´s doing a surgery this afternoon. 

I pack my stuff from the last days and drive back home, expecting no one to be there. But Raven is, sitting in the middle of our living room, working on her laptop. 

“Clarke!” Raven says surprised. And then there´s silence, before she get´s up to greet me with a proper hug. “I know, you probably hate that question, but… how are you?”

“Fine, Ray, really. I´m no porcelain, it´s okay to ask that. In fact, I´m as great as I can be.” 

She frowns skeptically. “How´s that?” 

“Lexa and I… we are... I don´t exactly know, but I told her I love her and she loves me back, so… I plan on taking her out. And we kissed. Couple of times, actually.” Better say it now, than being questioned by her for the rest of the day.

The normally hyperactive Latina doesn´t move a muscle. The longer her stoic self stares at me, the more nervous I get. 

“You kissed?” She asks after a while. 

I nod. “Yes. She makes me happy, so I´d appreciate if you could just be happy with me?” Her opinion is important to me and I´m not sure if I could take it, if she wouldn´t have my back in this. 

“You know, she kicked us out last Friday?” 

“Yes.” I´m still grateful for that. I couldn´t take people anymore. Even though I love Raven and Octavia, they can be too much sometimes. So I talked to them via text messages over the last week and that´s been exactly, what I needed.

“That was harsh, but I guess tough. You sure, this is a good idea?” Now I know this is some kind of interrogation to test my mental abilities. 

I smile. “Yes. The best ever.” 

“Well…” Raven starts, thinking about my answer. Then a bright smile breaks through her stoic façade. “Then I guess, you have my approval.”

Here I go, hugging her tightly. I´m indeed relieved and I know, Lexa and Raven will get along perfectly. Octavia is a bit more difficult to warm up with. 

“Just one condition. You introduce us properly, Griffin. I would like to have a real conversation with your girl for once.” 

“I think, that´s manageable.” I answer. “Thank you for having my back with this. It´s really important to me.”

“Sure. I´ll always have.” She replies, smiling. “So, when do we get to meet your girlfriend?”

“Don´t call her that. We haven´t… discussed it, I guess? But not before the end of next week or so. She´s out of town for the next days and I would like to have a few days for ourselves, before you threaten her. We still have a lot catching up to do.” 

“Catching up, yeah?” Raven smirks. 

“Yes, Raven. Not everything has to do with sex.” Sometimes she´s really annoying. 

Okay, I have thought about it. Honestly, I´m thinking a lot about it. But I want to do this right and that means, we go slow. So no, it will be catching up. And some making out, I hope?

“If you say so.”

 

\---------------

 

#### Lexa.

#### 

 

“Finally!” That´s Anyas only reaction, after I told her about me and Clarke, when I got on the plane and sat down next to her. I had it coming. And I deserve it. 

If I had told Clarke about my feelings just once during Highschool, like Anya said I should have, both our lives would have changed a lot. 

Unfortunately, I have to spend the rest of the week working, to discuss my new book with Costia. I swear, I hate her. She is skeptical about nearly every line and we fight like a married couple during divorce about every word I wrote. 

Skyping with Clarke isn´t half as good as seeing her in Person, that´s one of the things I learn. But it´s better than nothing, so I can´t complain too much.

As soon as I landed in Ton DC, Clarke announces via text message, she´s got the perfect idea for a small date on Sunday evening, when I get home. She knows me best. I don´t need fancy stuff. Being with her is all I ask. Besides, we still have a lot of talking to do. 

On Saturday I don’t have a single minute to myself until after midnight and when I finally get to my hotel room, Clarke is probably asleep. So no talking. How can you miss something you just got so bad? 

Sunday isn´t much better. I call her while Costia drives me to the airport late afternoon, to tell her I´ll take another plane, because I´ve missed the first one. The only positive thing about it? I won´t have to leave until my book comes out in december.

“I´ll be home in a few hours. Sorry for the delay. Can we have our date tomorrow?” I feel bad for asking, but I couldn´t get off earlier. 

“Don´t worry. I´m just happy to see you later.” 

“Thank you. I can´t wait to be home.” A hint of relieve is hidden in my voice. But Clarke doesn´t say anything about it. 

“How about that. I´ll pick you up and we can get some takeout and cuddle up on your couch? How does that sound?” She suggests.

“Like heaven. I love you, you know that?” 

Her laugh reminds me of summer rain. Don´t know why, but it does. The writer in me, I guess? “I love you too. See you soon, racoon.” She says. 

During ninth grade Clarke came up with that insider and she ended every call like that afterwards. Every goodbye, except the one on the airport. It feels familiar in an intimate way and her calling me racoon again, like we´ve never been apart, makes me smile in the brightest way possible. 

I don´t even notice Costia rolling her eyes and shaking her head amused.

“See you soon.” I repeat, before we hang up. I´m smiling as I think about the evening. Finally, I feel like I get to come home to something. To someone. 

 

\----

 

Clarke is the first person to notice for everyone. She stands there and waits, like she promised. By her car, right in front of the small airport building. Smiling brightly. Her golden hair shimmers in the artificial light of the street lamps around her. Hands in her pockets. Wearing a red scarf around her neck. 

I can´t help but stop for a second, just to take that view in. She´s waiting for me. This gorgeous woman is waiting for me. 

Then I cross the small distance left between us and hug her tightly. 

“Hey.” She greets me, her words nothing more than a small, quiet whisper in my ears. I pick her up and spin her around, bowling over with pure happiness. Clarke giggles relaxed, soothing calm radiates from her. 

“Hey.” I answer, before I press my lips against hers. The move simultaneously, like they did for years. I could drown in that feeling, but I´m really tired and I just want to take her home. So I pull back after a few seconds. 

“Let´s get you home.” She says.

“Sounds perfect.” 

Clarke takes my hand and guides me towards her car. She even takes my bag and puts it in the trunk, like a real gentlewoman. 

When I´m sitting in the car on the passenger seat, she´s just staring at me for a little while. “Lex?” 

“Yeah?”

“I´m… I´m just happy, that you´re here. I´ve missed this. Us.” 

“Me too.” 

“I mean, even when I get to do this…” She starts her sentence, only to lean over and kiss my lips softly. “Even then it feels like we´re still friends. We are, right? Despite all the things that happened?” 

I´m smiling reassuring. “We are.” 

“Good.”

 

\----

 

#### Clarke.

#### 

 

When Lexa comes out of the airport building, I catch my breath. She´s so damn beautiful! Her green eyes sparkle in a way they never did before. Her steps towards me are full of… pride. And confidence. 

_She´s mine_ , I think secretly.

“Hey.” I manage to say. 

“Hey.” She says right back, before she wraps me in a warm embrace, only to spin me around. 

The following kiss makes my head feel fuzzy and empty for a second, before I realize, that I´m not dreaming and that this is very, very real. The butterflies, the tingling sensation in every cell of my body, the racing heartbeat, hell, even the shaky knees. 

I´ve never felt this way before. 

“Let´s get you home.” 

“Sounds perfect.”

Once we´re sitting in the car, I realize, that I can´t stop staring at her. But she doesn´t seem to mind, so I take my time, before I say one thing, that´s been on my mind for the past days. 

“Lex?” 

“Yeah?”

“I´m… I´m just happy, that you´re here.” I say. “I´ve missed this. Us.” 

“Me too.” Lexa answers.

“I mean, even when I get to do this…” I cross the small distance between us, to visualize, what I´m trying to say – it´s not just to kiss her. But I do. I kiss her, just for a short moment. Then I continue speaking, so she doesn´t notice. “Even then it feels like we´re still friends. We are, right? Despite all the things that happened?” 

She´s beaming as much as I probably am. “We are.” 

“Good.”

\-----

The drive goes by in silence. 

We´re occasionally holding hands, but I have to notice, that it´s kind of distracting to do so. But in a good way, because I´m really nervous. Not about us or anything, but about my invasion of her private place. Because I don´t quite know if that´s too much. I tend to cross boundaries due to unfiltered enthusiasm. 

Maybe one of the reasons I´m best friend with Raven Reyes. Because that should be her actual name. Raven Unfiltered Enthusiasm Reyes.

As Lexa pulls out her keys and pushes the door open, the room is already lit up and warm and cozy. I´ve put plates on the desk by the couch, together with a bottle of red wine and two glasses. 

“How?” She just asks, smiling, while she takes everything in. Including the soft music playing, the set table and of course, the bouquet of roses. Red ones. Slow, yes. But red roses had to be included on a first date. Because I know she loves them.

“Anya. It took me some time to convince her, but… You´re not mad?” 

“How could I be?” 

I exhale probably audible.

“I just wanted to greet you properly and then I thought, why wait until tomorrow to have our small date. I took a few changes, but... I was sure, you´d vote for pizza and so I bought some wine and then I-” 

“Clarke.” She interrupts my rambling, smiling so wide, that I forget what I wanted to say. “I love it. I love you. It´s perfect. Let´s eat, before the pizza get´s cold, shall we?”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for missing yesterday. I've been really obsessed with another story. I'm going to post soon. 
> 
> Here's another little chapter. I guess, we'll be at the end of the story soon. We'll see. 
> 
> As always: thank you for reading and all the feedback. 
> 
> My question today: would you like to learn more about their past? Just in form of little memories maybe? :) 
> 
> Love,  
> LJT. 
> 
> ____

#### Lexa.

We spend the evening mostly cuddled up on the couch, never completely letting go of each other. 

I'm sitting between Clarkes legs, my head is resting comfortable on her shoulder. 

Sometimes she presses a soft kiss on my temple, just because she can I guess. But I won't complain, because I've never felt more loved or more at home. 

She's breathing calmly, while her heart starts to beat like crazy, whenever my fingers touch her hands. 

I'm having the same influence on her, that she has on me. 

This is real. 

How did I get so lucky? I feel like floating on air. 

We didn´t talk for a while now, both of us just enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort in silence, but there's a question bugging me and I can't stop thinking about it. 

“Clarke?” 

“Yes?” 

“Sorry for asking, but I have to know. What are we? I mean, are we... dating or friends or nothing at all?” The control freak in me is taking over, before I can stop it. 

“Do you really think we could ever be nothing?” She asks, her undertone teasing. 

I don´t reply to that. For me, it´s nothing to tease about. I´m serious. 

“I´m not sure. What do you want us to be?” Clarke continues after a few seconds. 

It´s not the answer I hoped for. I don´t like to express feelings the way I did with her – although it payed off. But I don´t want to do anything that scares her off. She wants to take it  
slow and I want the same. But I… I guess, I need a name for it. 

Clarke senses my mixed emotions and moves us around, so that my legs lay across her lap and she can look into my eyes. Her hand wanders to my cheek. “Shh. Don´t panic. Say what you think. I won´t go away, I promise.” 

“I ... I would like to be your girlfriend. I know, it´s too fast and all that, but that's what I would like to aim for, if that's okay with you?” I´m nervous again. 

But Clarke is smiling anyway, knowing the way I work like the back of her hands. “Are you asking or …?” 

“Depends?” I hate the insecurity in my tone. But this is really important to me. “I mean, it´s really bad timing and we didn´t talk for years. We only been on one date, if you count this evening, and I…” 

I stop. 

Breath, Lexa. Don´t freak. It´s just Clarke. The girl you´ve been in love with since Highschool. The woman you've looked up to. 

Okay, that doesn´t help at all. 

“I think we can skip formalities.” She answers, after she´s sure that I have said everything for now. “Lex, I would love to be your girlfriend.” 

She says it with so much confidence, without the slightest sign of hesitation. 

“I admire you, Lex. Everything you do, everything about you. I always have. You are the bravest, strongest and most beautiful human being I've ever met.” She continues, pure  
love radiating from her as her eyes meet mine. 

My answer is a soft kiss, barely there. But it doesn´t matter. Because she´s mine now and I won´t ever let her go. 

"I should go now." Clarke whispers, her lips chasing mine. 

"Why?"

"Because this was a date. And I have to go to work tomorrow morning."

"You could stay, you know? I'll wake you with breakfast in bed. Pancakes even." 

Clarke hesitates, so I continue. 

"We could talk until we fall asleep. You could tell me about your work or about your art. And I could tell you-"

Clarke cuts me off in the middle of my sentence. "You had me at pancakes." 

"Oh, so just the pancakes?"

She's grinning wide, before it changes into a genuine smile. "No. I'd like to spend more time with my gorgeous girlfriend, too."

"Is that going to be my nickname? Since I'm calling you babe? Gorgeous girlfriend sounds nice. I could get used to it. But it's a bit long, don't you think?" 

She hits my shoulder, laughing. "I'm calling you racoon. That's set in stone."

I fake a pout. Really, she could call me anything and I'd still be the luckiest girl in the world. 

Okay. Maybe not anything. 

"But..." she continues. "I want an animal name too, since you've got one. That would be fair, don't you think?"

"What would that be? A sloth? Or maybe a little bear in hibernation?" I suggest. She's just so easy to tease and I can't stop myself. It's way too tempting. 

"Hey!" 

"What? We all know you're a big and sleepy mama bear."

"That's not true! ... I'm more of a... lion." 

Did I mention how adorably cute she can be? Like really sweet? 

"A lion?" I ask amused. "Why's that?"

"Lions are cute?" She suggests, clearly not ready to accept her defeat. 

"Ok, little lion it is." 

"I hate you."

"No, you don't. You love me." I correct her. 

She smiles, like I hung the stars and the moon. I recognize that look, because I smile the same whenever I lay eyes on her. It's a dopey, lovestruck smile. 

"Yeah, I do." She replies after a few seconds, leaning in for another kiss. 

"Let's get you to bed then, little lion. You can borrow some sweats and a T-Shirt." 

I get up and reach out a hand. Clarke takes it immediately and follows me into my bedroom. 

I take a quick shower, before I join her. It's the most beautiful view in the world, seeing her in my bed. My heart skips a beat. I've always thought those where lame stories, but here it happens to me. 

We shared a bed so many nights before, but this time it's different. 

And she looks ... hot in my clothes. Wow. 

"Hey there. You okay?" She asks, a small, cute frown on her forehead. 

"Yeah. Just happy."

Clarke pads the bed beside her. "Come here."

I obey happily. As soon as I've crawled under the blanket beside her, she wraps her arms around me, making me the little spoon. But I don't mind at all. 

"I love you, little lion." I hear myself mumble, before I drift off to sleep seconds later. 

"Love you, too, racoon."


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it´s really hard to focus on one story, really. All the writing is keeping me from some "normal" activities (but I don´t mind at all.)  
> My next story will be a bit darker. It´s an Experiment, but I can´t promise daily updates on it. 
> 
> My question today: would you like to read the smut part? I´ve never written something like that (because I mostly write for teen audiences). And especially not in english. But I could try, if you want it. 
> 
> Hope you like this one! <3
> 
> Love,  
> LJT:  
> _____

#### Clarke.

 

#### Some day six years ago...

_  
“By the way, what´s your favorite color?” Lexa asks, not looking up from her laptop. She´s doing this stupid friendship test online to kill some time, before we can go see the movie she persuaded me to go._

_Okay I didn´t need to be persuaded. All she has to do is look at me, this perfect, little, shy smile on her lips, and I´d do anything._

_“If you guess right, the popcorn´s on me.” I say, smirking._

_“Okay.” She answers, not even looking up. “And if I don´t?”_

_I sigh._

_Everything needs to be logical for her. Sometimes I could strangle her, because she doesn´t even notice the little things I do to make her realize, that I´m flirting with her. Or maybe I suck at flirting?_

_But when I do the things with other people around – for example Finn – they react. So maybe she isn´t into me. Or she´s really blind. Or…_

_“Clarke?”_

_“Umm. Then you have to get me chocolate and popcorn.”_

_“Isn´t exactly fair, but okay.” She agrees, finally looking up. “How many times can I try?”_

_“Two times.”_

_“Why two times?”_

_There it is again. That adorable little frown on her forehead. Yes, maybe I am a bit obsessed with her – but in a harmless way, I swear._

_“Because one´s to little and three is boring.” I state._

_Lexa rolls her sea green eyes. “Always somethings special.” She mumbles._

_“Of course! Now shoot.”_

_“Green.” She says._

_Honestly? I didn´t know I had a favorite color until she said it out loud, smiling like a little kid. So I tell her, she´s right, because her eyes shine so bright and I could drown in them forever._

_“Guess the popcorn´s on me.”_

_Lexa smiles even wider now, proud of herself and pretty excited._

_Damn, she´s so cute._

_It´s one of the moments, that makes me wonder, how our lives will be in five or ten or twenty years. Because I look at her and I feel at home._

\---

#### Present time.

That´s what I think about, as I lay beside her and watch her sleeping. Her breathing is slow and steady, her face looks peaceful.

I´ve watched her sleep a thousand times, like a creep. But this time it´s different.

Everything´s different. I´m even more in love with her, than I have been for what feels like my whole life. I really wish, I was half as good with words, as she is. Because I can´t explain how much she makes me feel. Millions of words and none can describe my love for her. Maybe those words don´t exist. 

I´d be content, watching her forever. Her lips, forming a soft smile. Her dark eyelashes, looking too perfect to be real. The cute freckles on her nose. The golden-brown strands of hair. 

I can´t take it any longer, my fingers itch to touch her. So I let myself brush those strands out of her face, as softly as possible. 

Lexa blinks a few times. 

“Hey.” I whisper quietly. 

She needs a few more seconds to catch up, then a bright, beaming smile appears on her face, when she remembers what happened. “Hi.”

“I´d love to kiss you, but it´s to early in our relationship for that, so I´ll head off to the bathroom and you get a kiss in a minute. Deal?” 

She just nods. Sleepy Lexa is the cutest.

When I get back, she reaches out her hands and just a second after I took them, she pulls me on top of her, making me squeal in the process. 

But then my heart starts beating, because her face is really close. 

Just when I think, I can´t hold back a second longer, she flips us over and gets up, a devilish grin on her face. My eyes trail her body from behind, as I watch her walking towards the bathroom. If I hadn´t been the one, who asked for moving slow, I´d follow her and I´d push her in the shower and… 

Lexa returns, effectively interrupting my dirty thoughts. 

“It´s a beautiful view, seeing you in my bed.” She tells me, smiling. 

“Yeah?” 

She nods, while getting back in bed. Without any sign of hesitation, she leans over and our lips meet for a short moment. 

“Good morning, little lion.” 

I sigh dramatically and roll my eyes. “I´m never going to hear the end of it, am I?”

“Nope. It´s set in stone, too.” Lexa answers, grinning from ear to ear. She loves teasing me and she´s doing a great job so far. 

I pull her close once more, my lips moving softly against hers, until she´s the one to deep it. So I kiss her back the same way, pouring every last bit of my feelings for her into the kiss, trying to make her feel it all. All the times I wanted to tell her about my feelings for her, all the times I nearly kissed her, all the small moments, that nearly made my heart explode, all the nights I laid awake, thinking of her. 

I put my hand behind her neck, pulling her even closer, until our bodies are practically melted into one and I can feel the consequences of our make out sessions. If we don´t stop now, we won´t at all. That´s for sure. 

So I break away from those full, soft lips, grasping for air. 

And my eyes meet hers. The sea green seems darker than normally, so I´m not the only one being really turned on. Good to know. 

“Lex. I have to get up. I have to be at work in… an hour.” 

“I know.”

“Can I shower first?”

 

\----

 

When I leave the bathroom fifteen minutes later, she´s already dressed – grey sweatpants and a really tight top, that has me drooling within the blink of an eye. 

Almost on instant I imagine all the things I plan on doing to and with her. My mind hasn´t been that dirty… ever? 

She´s making breakfast and humming to the radio. What a perfect start in the day.

I wrap my arms around her from behind, noticing once more, that I´m a little shorter than her, so I can´t put my chin on her shoulder. Because of that, I have to be content with inhaling her familiar scent and feeling her warmth. Not too bad, either.

“Mmm. I could get used to this.” She whispers, relaxing into my embrace.

“Me too, babe. Me too.” I reassure her, before I let go of her and hop onto the kitchen surface next to her. 

“Planning on distracting me?” 

I shake my head and raise both my hands in the air. “I just want to watch, promise. And steal a kiss maybe?” 

Lexa shakes her head in amusement, but leans in nevertheless. I can´t decide if I love the short and sweet kisses like this one more, than the one we had in her bedroom earlier. 

But I don´t find an answer, because she kisses me again. Only this time, her hands wander from my hips towards my back, slowly sliding underneath my t-shirt in the process. 

Her hands on my skin? Holy shit. 

Her fingertips drawing gentle circles against the small strip of bare skin? It makes me break the kiss with a gasp. Holy motherfucking shit.

I´m literally unable to open my eyes for the next few seconds. Even though Lexa removes her hands and continues making pancakes, as if nothing happened. Is she aware of the effect she´s having on me? My skin is still tingling. 

“Raven and Octavia want to meet you properly.” I tell her, after my brain is back to working as it should. “And they´re happy for us.” 

“They hate me.” 

I can see insecurity in her eyes. It´s less, than it would´ve been a few years ago, but it´s still there. Sometimes I can´t understand how a beautiful person like Lexa can be full of self-doubt. 

“No, they don´t. You did the right thing last week.” I tell her, taking her hands into mine. “I couldn´t… I needed space. You knew that.”

“I know. But do they?” 

“We can wait. I mean, you don´t have to meet them today or anything. I just wanted to tell you, so you can warm up with the idea. We´ve got all the time in the world.”

I want to do it right. I don´t want to push her or make her feel that way. 

“They are your best friends, Clarke.” She answers, not noticing the way my body shudders, when she speaks my name, because she walks over to the table, to set down the pancakes. “I´d like to meet them.”

“You´re my best friend.” I correct, knowing, that it´ll make her smile. 

And it does make her smile. Because of that I promise myself, to do anything in my power, to make her smile as often as humanly possible. 

“You know, what I mean.” She says, returning to the kitchen. While walking by, she lets her fingers brush my knees for a split second. God, she´s cruel. 

I watch her pulling out two cups, before she turns around. “Would you like some coffee?” 

“Yes, please.”

Frankly, I´m not able to make good use of my brain at work, if I haven´t had a cup of coffee in the mornings. But since I´m not a morning person and have a tendency to stay in bed for a while after my alarm went off, which leads to hectic showering and dressing, I usually grab one on the way to work. 

“So. When are you free?” I ask, as we finally sit down at the table. 

“Theoretically the whole week, since I´ve been to Ton Dc last week.” “Tuesday and Friday afternoon I can´t, but other than that I don´t have any plans, which couldn´t be moved around.” Lexa tells me, while she puts a pancake on my plate and pours me a cup of coffee. She knows, I can´t do two things the same time in the morning. It only makes me love her more, if that´s even possible.

“What´s on Tuesday and Friday?” 

“Storytime at the hospital.” She answers.

“You still do that?” 

“Yeah.” 

I´m speechless. Partly, because she´s still the same person she was four years ago. Partly, because talking to her feels familiar, like no time has passed. But mostly, because she´s so relaxed and calm, while I feel like I could burst any minute out of pure happiness. 

“How about this evening?” She suggests. If she noticed my thoughts wandering, she doesn´t mention it. 

“Like, today?” 

Lexa shrugs, taking a sip of her coffee. “Why not?” 

“Okay. Do you want to come over? I mean, I could cook and-”

“Sorry, but you are not allowed in the kitchen. I´m sure, Raven and Octavia agree with me on that. We don´t want you to burn down the house.”

“Hey! I never burned down the house!” I fake a pout. I´ve only burned my dinner once. Okay, maybe twice. But that happened, because I was distracted. 

“Yeah, and you know why? Because I prevented it.” She answers, smirking. “Eat your pancake. You´ve got to go to work in twenty minutes.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one´s really short - my apologies. 
> 
> But: next one will be a lot better, I promise! I´m already working on it and it feels great - so far. 
> 
> I haven´t planned out the Story, but it feels, like we will be coming to an end soon, so I´d like to know, if you want the smut-part, too. I could make it a chapter, if you want. But you have to tell me, if you feel like the story does or doesn´t need it. 
> 
> Thank you, for reading <3
> 
> love,  
> LJT.  
> \------

#### Lexa. 

 

“Stop the fidgeting.” Clarke tells me, when we get out of her car. 

She has just picked me up on her way home. Yes, we stayed an hour at my place, mostly kissing and cuddling. 

“I don´t-” I fall silent, realizing she´s right. “Sorry.”

“Don´t be. I´m right here and they won´t kill you. Usually, they are really nice.” She says. “Okay, they can be a bit… overwhelming?” 

I chuckle. “Is that a question?” 

“I don´t know?” She laughs delighted. 

She grabs my hand and pulls me with her, upstairs. When we reach her apartment door, she refuses to let go of my hand, while she rummages around in her bag, searching for the key with her free hand. 

I try, but fail to suppress a laugh. 

Clarke smacks my shoulder. “Did you just laugh at me?” 

“Yup. You´ve never achieved to organize your stuff.”

“It´s organized chaos.” She protests, finally using both hands to search for her keys. “Ha! Got it. See? It works.” 

“Yeah, yeah. I´ll remind you next time.” 

Clarke laughs hearty and relaxed. She then unlocks the door and tugs me with her. I could get used to that – not the dragging, the hand holding. 

The last and only time I´ve been here, was the day Jake Griffin died. It´s the first thought, that crosses my mind, when she closes the door behind us.

Clarke seems to sense the change in my emotions and she squeezes my hand reassuringly, a sad smile on her lips. “I know. It´s the same for me.”

She leans over and gives me a short peck on the lips. 

“Griffin!” The unmistakable loud voice of Raven Reyes shouts through the apartment. “Stop the PDA and get over here. We´re trying to decide which pizza we should order and I need you to tell this one, that pineapples are gross.” 

The “one” she´s referring to, has to be Octavia. The seemingly intimidating, athletic woman with the dark brown hair and crystal blue eyes.

“Pizza again?” Clarke answers, taking off her jacket and grabbing mine right after, to hang them both on the wardrobe. 

I kick off my shoes and follow her into the living room, where Raven and Octavia are sitting on the couch, in the middle of a heated pizza-discussion. But I understand their issue. Pizza is a very important matter.

“Hey, Lexa!” Raven says, waving, before she focuses on the menu in her hands. 

“Hi.” I answer shyly. 

“Lexa and I will take one with peperoni and extra cheese.” Clarke announces and looks at me, waiting for a confirmation. I nod. “This fight is yours only.”

And it´s a fight. Raven and Octavia end up smacking pillows at each other’s heads. What are they? Ten? 

Clarke shakes her head at them and turns towards me. “Sorry. What do you want to drink? And don´t say water.” 

“Whatever you have.” I answer, sticking out my tongue and following her towards the kitchen to offer my help. I try to avoid decision, when I can. Especially, when I´m nervous – it´s a bad habit I couldn´t get rid of. 

“That´s as bad as water. Decide, Lex. Lemonade? Coke? Beer? Juice?” 

I sigh. “Beer.” 

“Since when do you drink beer? Didn´t you hate it?” I do. But I don´t want to seem lame in front of her roommates.

“Fine, then coke.”

Clarke smiles triumphant, crossing the small distance between us and wrapping her arms around me. She hides her face in my neck and presses a light kiss against my pulse point. “Stop worrying.” She whispers. “You´re perfect.” 

And with her in my arms and her lips on my skin, I believe her. 

 

\----

 

“So, Lexa. You´re an author?” Raven asks. 

Let the interrogation begin.

Half an hour ago they finally decided on a pizza without pineapples and it got delivered a few minutes before, so we´re sitting around the coffee table now. 

“Yeah.” 

“How come?” 

I raise my eyebrows, not knowing what she´s asking. “You mean, why I write? Or…?” 

“It´s a quite special profession.” 

“Oh, I see.” I say. “Well, I um … I´ve always been a bookworm. Clarke would say, a nerd. But I started writing stories when I was a kid. It´s something I couldn´t stop doing. And I always had that dream of seeing one of my stories in a bookshelf of a random bookstore one day. It´s… silly, I guess, but that´s all I ever wanted.”

Clarkes face is shining with a proud smile, but all I can focus on, is her thumb, drawing small and soothing circles on the back of my hand. She´s doing that on purpose, I guess. Because knows, it makes my heart explode.

“What is it like, having your dream come true?” Octavia asks, apparently honestly interested. 

I thought, she´d be resentful, since I´ve literally kicked her out barely a week before, but she isn´t. Maybe I´ve impressed her?

“It´s… crazy. And scary. I mean, it´s a lot to process and you never get used to it. But it´s all I´ve ever dreamed of. Except maybe the fame. That´s why I chose to go by a pseudonym, to have at least some privacy. It doesn´t stop people from recognizing me or finding out my real name, but it´s at least a small protection shield.”

During my answer, my eyes are focused on Clarkes face. Because yeah, I made my dream come true and now I´m living it. But it´s so much more worth, when I´m sharing it with the woman I love. 

I could get lost in those eyes forever. 

Azure blue is all I need.

“Hell, guys. Stop that.” Raven says after a few seconds of silence, a teasing tone in her voice. 

Clarke blushes, but I strangely don´t. I´m too happy, to be here. Too relieved, that her friends seem to accept me. 

“Let them be, Ray. They´re cute.” Octavia intervenes, a bold smirk in her face. “You´re just jealous, that no one´s looking at you this way.”

“Jealous my ass.” Raven retorts. 

Clarke´s rolling her eyes again. “Guys, best behavior, remember?” 

“I´m behaving! And besides, I don’t think Lexa can be scared off, does she?” Octavia answers, looking at me. 

“I guess, it takes more than that.”

“But you need to know one thing.” Raven continues, suddenly using a serious tone. “We´re part of the package. So, if you want Clarke, you´ll have us, too.”

I can´t stop myself from laughing out of pure relief. Hell, and I thought, I´d get the famous and frightening best friend speech now, where they tell me, if I break Clarkes heart, they break me or something like that. 

“I can live with that.” I reply, opening my arms for Clarke, as she moves closer. 

Raven and Octavia share a secret smile, hidden from Clarke. But that´s the moment I know, I´ll get along with them just fine. Because the care about her and they want her to be happy.

\---


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I decided to write another chapter, before we get to the... intimate part. Hope, you don´t mind. 
> 
> I´m so happy, that I started posting. I never thought, I´d start writing in english, but my teacher would be really proud I guess? Sadly, we never did cool stuff in school. 
> 
> As always: let me know, what you think. If you have a wish, tell me. I love every form of feedback you give me.
> 
> Today the final episodes of season 4 air in Germany and I´m really happy (even tough I´ve already seen everything). It´s been an amazing season (well, as good as it can be without Lexa and Lincoln) and I´m really excited for the next one. Maybe I´ll do my own version of season 5 or the years in between - would you like that? 
> 
> I´m gonna stop talking now, enjoy. <3
> 
> Love,  
> LJT  
> .-.-.-.

\----

#### Clarke.

 

Later that evening, I drive her home. The radio is playing in the background and the streets are empty. 

We both are lost in thoughts, but that´s okay, because even when we´re keeping quiet, it doesn´t make me feel uncomfortable. Nothing about her does.

Whenever I can, I reach over and intertwine our fingers. Her hand is warm and soft and it fits just perfectly into mine. As if we were made for each other. It´s a scary thought, but on the other hand it´s all I´ve ever dreamt of. 

Her dream was becoming an author and making a living of it, she just told it my two best friends. My dreams has been art for most part of my life. But I realize now, while I´m holding her hand and driving her home, that I´d be happy with anything, as long as I got her by my side. She´s my dream.

She´s the one for me.

“Clarke? Are you okay?” She asks, when my eyes are welling with tears at that thought, and I let go of her hand to wipe them away. Of course, she noticed. 

“I´m good.” 

“But you´re crying. Did I do-”

“No!” I interrupt her, before she can even ask that stupid question. “You´re perfect. This is perfect. It´s all I ever wanted. You. Me. Together.”

She grabs my hand und pulls it close, to press a kiss on the back of it, not saying anything. And she doesn´t need to.

 

\-----

 

“Do you wanna stay?” Lexa asks, after I´ve pulled into an empty parking lot in front of her house and stop the engine. 

My first thought? Yes. Stay and never leave. Move in with her tomorrow and marry her the day after. But that would be a bit too much, too soon. Because, theoretically, we´ve been together for one day. 

“Do you want me to?” 

“It´s up to you. I don´t mind some company.” She answers, smiling. 

I nod, looking into her green eyes. “Okay, then I´d like to stay.” 

 

\----

 

We cuddle up in her bed – this time without second guessing anything. My head is resting on her shoulder, her arms are wrapped around me safely. Within one day it became normal, natural. And I love it.

“Don´t you think, this should feel a little… more awkward? I mean we´re friends and now…” I ask, wondering if maybe I´m just dreaming the whole thing. 

“Yeah, girlfriends.”

“Lexa.” I say annoyed. “I´m being serious. You know, what I mean.” 

She nods. “I do. I´ve thought about it, too. Yeah, maybe it should, under normal circumstances. But I´ve been in love with you since day one, so… the rule doesn´t apply to us? I mean, to me, every hug or kiss on the cheek every small touch or smile felt... I don´t know how to say this, without sounding like a perv.”

Her shy giggle, following her confession, is to cute to be real. 

“Because it felt, like there was already more to it?” I suggest, smiling. I know exactly what she wants to say. 

And if she´s a perv, than I am too. Probably way more than she ever was, because I tend to have not so g-rated thoughts about her. Or us. 

“You could say that.”

“It´s been the same for me. God, I spent nights thinking about little gestures. I even made up some memories, I guess.” 

Oh shit. Did I say that loud? Now it´s time to hide my face in my hands. It´s really awkward. Why did I tell her that?

“For example?” 

I groan, hiding my face in her neck. 

“Clarke? Tell me.”

“Do you remember Harpers giant birthday party?”

It´s a rhetorical question, because Lexa never drank much alcohol, so of course she remembers. In contrast to me. Most of the night is gone and the few things, I can remember, I must´ve made up, because they are too good to be true. 

“Sure.” She answers. I miss the smug grin on her face, because my crimson colored face is still hidden in her neck.

“Well, in my imagination we… we played seven minutes in heaven and… yeah. But I know, you never played that, because it´s a silly game and you´re right, it is. But I just… Damn. I wish you had, okay?” I sigh, really embarrassed. 

I remember every little detail about those seven minutes.

\---

#### Harpers party, six years ago...

 

Four hundred and twenty seconds. That´s not that much, I tell myself. 

You can do that. 

You can spend seven minutes with the Girl, who has your heart, in that damn closet. 

I just don´t want to. Because I want to kiss her and she doesn´t want me to. Or does she? 

Lexa looks really nervous. She´s fidgeting with her hoodie again. But she follows Harper and I towards the closet and she let´s the tipsy girl close the door behind us. 

“You know, we don´t have to-“I don´t get far.

Her actions stop my attempt of talking. Because, suddenly she´s backing me up against the wall, her hands grab my neck and she pulls me close. 

I can feel her breath against my face. It smells of something sweet, but I can´t tell what it is, because my heart is beating loud and fast and my mind goes blank and Lexa doesn´t back away. 

Instead she leans in, her lips ghosting over mine just for a split second. 

My body temperature is rising on instant, my heart feels like it might explode any second. I take a sharp breath. Holy shit, she… She kissed me? 

Oh. My. God.

Lexa crosses the small distance between us again, only to kiss me harder this time, pushing me against the wall. Her lips are soft – how can they be this soft? I let my hands move to her hips, as if they could ground and steady me, kissing her back. But that only evokes a soft moan from her.

And there goes every bit of self-control.

My tongue swipes across her bottom lip, begging for entrance, begging to taste her, to feel her. And Lexa opens her mouth, receiving it, pulling me even closer, deepening the kiss. 

I feel her hand at the back on my neck, the other one capturing my face. I feel her tongue brushing mine, tasting sweet and heavenly. I feel my hands creeping under her shirt on her back, aching to touch her skin. I feel her body pressed against mine.

I´m getting lost in her. 

Until a loud knock breaks us apart in shock. “Time´s up.” 

 

\-----

#### Present time.

__

 

__

Lexa starts laughing so hard, that her eyes fill with tears. 

__

“Hey!” I complain, sitting up and staring down at her angrily. I slap her shoulder. “That´s unfair! Stop laughing!”

__

She really is something else. 

__

“I´m sorry. It´s just… You didn´t make that memory up. It happened.” 

__

“Wait. What?”

__

“It happened.” She repeats, still grinning at my surprised face. “We played it. All seven minutes. In Harpers closet. You were my first kiss.”

__

I open my mouth to say something, but I can´t form any words. 

__

The memory is still so vivid in my head, that I can almost feel that kiss on my lips. I always thought, it was a dream. Something, my longing head and heart faked. Too perfect to be real. 

__

“I was your first kiss?” I repeat stunned. 

__

Lexas fingers brush a loose strand of hair behind my ear, only to ghost over my face, my neck and my shoulders down towards my hand, leaving goosebumps everywhere on their way. “Yeah.” 

__

“You remember?” 

__

“Every second of it.”

__

“And I was okay?” 

__

“Clarke.” She answers, making my name sound soft but fierce at the same time. “It was perfect. Best seven minutes of my life, at least during highschool.” 

__

“Just during highschool?” We´re back to teasing again. But I don´t mind at all, because it keeps my mind from wandering back to this kiss, which was – I can´t help it – the best ever. 

__

They say, you never forget you´re first kiss. That´s true. But you never forget the first kiss with the love of your life. It´s a whole other dimension. Hell, a whole other galaxy. No wonder, I thought it was a dream.

__

The longer I stare at her, reminiscing, the more I ache to kiss her. 

__

And I do. 

__

I cross the distance by leaning down, only to see her smile, before I connect our lips. It starts off innocent, but with our first kiss still lingering in the back of our heads, it doesn´t take long to deepen it. 

__

We kiss hungrily and Lexa pulls me on top of her, grinning against my lips, as I gasp of surprise. That´s a whole new level and I can feel my body losing control. 

__

After a few more moments – or hours, days, years, whatever, I don´t care – Lexa pulls away slowly. “We should stop.” 

__

Should we? 

__

Who is we, by the way? 

__

Who am I? 

__

What is life? 

__

“Yeah.” I whisper, trying to catch my breath. “We probably should.”

__

 

__

\----

__


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I uploaded my first chapter on my other story today and I have to say, I´m as nervous as I was with this one two and a half weeks ago.
> 
> Hope you like it!  
> Love,   
> LJT  
> .-.-.

#### Two weeks later.

.

#### 

Clarke.

.

Lexa – as much as I love her – is acting strange. 

Whenever we get closer or our make out sessions turn a bit heated – which happens every time, because she turns me on with just a smile – she pulls away, sometimes she even finds an excuse to end the evening. 

We talked about almost everything. 

I told her, why I switched from med-school into art, about my work as an art therapist with kids, about trying to push my career as an artist and even about my (failed) relationship with Bellamy. 

She told me about her books, about taking a few courses at college and meeting that girl Luna and some other dating attempts, about the craziness of her success. About how she loves living her dream. About the time she spent with Aden, whenever she was in town. About Dad and everything else, I´ve missed. 

But never about why she seems to panic at the thought of crossing a certain line. I know, I said I want to talk it slow. I do. But that doesn’t include her having to freak out, when her fingers brush my bare skin. 

Cuddling up during a movie night seems to be okay, as long as we stay on the couch. Sleeping in the same bed? Only, when it starts with sleeping right away. No matter how hard I try to convince her, that it´s fine, that I don´t mind, she breaks away. She doesn´t need to. 

 

\----

 

It´s Friday night again and we spent the evening at her place, like most of the time. We went out for dinner, she invited me to a really fancy restaurant and she was the perfect girlfriend. But nevertheless, I have to confront her, because it´s driving me nuts. She´s acting like a teenage girl, afraid to be caught by her girlfriends’ parents, and I can´t shake the feeling, it´s because of me. 

Even tough she would probably negate it, I´m not that self-confident, to ignore it. I´m not. Never was, never will.

I have to know.

“Lex?” I say, stopping the movie, we just started. I feel like I´m already in too deep and before I continue imagining a future together, I need a confirmation that we want the same things. That she wants us as much as I do. 

“Yes?” Concern is written all over her face. 

“Is… something wrong with me? Do you regret this? Us?” 

She sits abruptly, staring at me with wide eyes. “What are you talking about? I want to be with you. You are literally perfect.” 

Staring into her sea green eyes has never been harder. “Then why do you freak, whenever we get… closer? Don´t you… don´t you want me?” I can´t stop my voice from sounding tense and insecure. Hurt.

She wraps her arms around me faster than I can blink. “Oh, Clarke, that´s not… Oh my god, I didn´t mean to convey that feeling! I´m sorry if I made you think that!”

I´m relieved, but not fully convinced. 

She seems to feel it and pulls back, her hands holding mine. “I love you. It´s not that I don´t want you. I really do. You can´t imagine how badly. It´s just…” She looks at the Tv, as if it could magically show her the words. Then she stares at our hands. 

Suddenly she sighs. Still not looking up, she says: “I lied to you. About that girl in college.” 

Now I´m really confused. What´s got Luna to do with all that? I remember her name of course, because she got to be with Lexa before I did. I´m jealous of her, even if I have no right to be. 

And: why did she lie?

Lexa can see the confusion on my face and continues, before I can ask. “We did date a few times, but I ended it, before it could get serious.” 

I´m even more confused now. She told me they dated a few weeks. 

“Clarke, I… I don´t know, why I lied and I´m sorry. It´s just that I didn´t want to seem weird for not really dating in all these years and I know, you´re probably angry at me. You have every right to be. It´s just… you´re you.” She says, like that´s supposed to mean something special.

I want to interrupt her, but I bite my tongue, because she´s not done yet.

“Even in Highschool everyone wanted to be with you, boys and girls. And you had Finn and that Bellamy guy and then that girl and I didn´t want to umm… I was somehow taken aback by all that, you know? Because I have zero experience and I´m still a virgin at the age of twenty-two, which is really weird, and I just freaked. So I let the dates with Luna seem like at least some bigger deal, so you don´t think-”

“Lex. Calm down. You´re rambling. A lot.” I say and lay my hand on her cheek. 

She finally looks up from our hands to meet my gaze. God, I adore her for her little rambling attacks. She´s so cute. And sometimes – especially right now – I can´t understand, how I got to be so lucky to call her mine. 

“I´m sorry.”

She seems really scared.

“It´s okay. You didn´t really lie.” I answer, still trying to calm her nerves. 

She´s biting her lips again and I can´t suppress the urge to kiss her, so I close the distance. The kiss catches her a bit off guard, but I pull back, before we lose ourselves in the feeling (like nearly every time).

“And besides, you never have to be ashamed of anything. I think, it´s beautiful, that you´re still a virgin, Lex. I wished, I wouldn´t have wasted it on Finn. And I wished I didn´t waste all those years because I was scared. And I won´t pressure you or anything, okay? I love you.”

“You really think so?” She asks shyly, still avoiding my gaze. 

“Yes. It doesn´t change a thing between us. At least now I understand, why you freak, when your fingers brush my skin.” 

I try to lighten the mood. Her shy smile tells me, it´s working. 

“I don´t… freak. I just…”

“You freak. And that´s okay. We go as slow as you want.” I assure her. “Just promise me to tell me, if we´re moving too fast, okay?” 

“I promise. It´s just… I don´t think we´re moving too fast.” Lexa looks up again. There it is, that lip-thing. Shit, my thoughts wander like crazy, when she does it. I want to bite them. 

I frown, not understanding, what she wants to tell me. 

“I… I want to be with you, Clarke. In every single way possible.” 

And there goes my calm self, straight out the door. Does she say, what I think she says? My heart feels like exploding and I swallow my crazy feelings. 

“I´m just… scared. I have no experience and-” 

“You don´t need to.” I say a bit faster than I wanted. I don´t want to pressure her, it´s just that the thought of having sex with her… 

Oh. My. God. 

But knowing I will be her first? OH. MY. GOD. 

Holy shit, that´s hell of a lot pressure on some girl. 

“Clarke? Are you okay?” She asks after a few seconds, watching my face carefully. “You look… pale.”

“I´m ok. Just a bit freaked out. That´s all.” I answer honestly, trying to smile. 

“Why do you freak? Shouldn´t I be the one?” She smirks. She seems to feel better, since she can smirk again. 

“Hey, don´t grin like that. I feel a lot of pressure right now. Or whenever we… do it.” 

We stare into each other’s eyes for a while, getting lost in them like we always do. Can you call approximately three weeks always? 

Then suddenly we both start laughing, tension vanishing within seconds. After all, we are Lexa and Clarke. Or Clexa, how Aden calls us – it´s really annoying. We know each other better than anyone else and above it all: we love each other. 

I wrap my arms around her neck and pull her into a hug, burying my nose in the crook of her neck, inhaling her scent. It´s got this relaxing effect on me and my spinning head. 

After a short moment Lexa pulls back a bit, to rest our foreheads together. Both of us are smiling like idiots. 

“I love you.” She says. “Thank you for being you.” 

“I love you, too. And I should thank you.” 

“No, we don´t go down that road again.” She says, rolling her beautiful eyes. 

She is so damn close. I can see every color shade of her eyes, every single one of her long, dark eyelashes, every single freckle of the few she has on her nose. This Lexa, wearing no make-up, an old grey t-shirt and some sweats, is the one I love the most. 

She leans in and connects our lips again. Hers are soft and warm against mine, and even though they aren´t moving, the tingle in my stomach as aching for more. I swipe my tongue across her bottom lip and Lexa releases a soft moan. It´s vibrating through my whole body. 

Suddenly we fight for dominance. 

Lexa wins. She always does.

Her body on top of me, pressed against mine, feels amazing. She doesn´t care that it´s everything but “slow”. Her hands roam my body and everywhere she touches me, she sets my skin on fire. 

My fingers tangle through her hair, while the other hand moves to her hip. Her lips leave mine only to wander down my neck. 

Every time she does something new, I think: there can´t be a better feeling. Her body atop of mine? An out-of-the-world-feeling. 

And then her lips find my pulse point. I bite my lip to stop myself from moaning at the sensation she sets free, but the second she starts sucking, I can´t hold back. 

I can feel her grinning against my skin. Oh, she loves the effect her actions are having on me. 

“Lex.” I pant, gasping for air. 

“Hm?” She asks, letting her lips dancing across my neck. 

What did I want to ask? I have no idea. 

“Forgot it.” I mumble, my hand roaming across her sides – this time below her shirt. And shit, does her skin feel amazing.

Lexa leans back, watching my face. “Sorry. I´ll give you some time to think.” 

“No, don´t stop.” I try to pout, but it doesn´t work, since her wide grin takes its toll on me and I can´t wait to connect our lips again. 

“You sure?” She smirks. What the hell? When did she get that… sexy and confident? Maybe when she had me moaning beneath her.

“Are you sure? You set the limits.”

“I don´t plan to stop.” She answers, smiling down at me, before she connects our lips again, just for a second. “Except you want to.”

“I´m not sure I can, if you keep doing that.”

“Well, that´s an answer.” Her face is just millimeters away, our noses almost brush. 

I brush loose strands of hair out of her face. She radiates so much love and passion, I could drown in her. Lexa is pure love, beaming brighter with every second. I´m not sure, if I deserve this. Her. But I plan on doing so in the future. 

Suddenly Lexa get´s up, reaching out a hand wordlessly. 

I feel like in trance, as I take her hand and she leads the way to her bedroom. How can I be that nervous right now and she this… deeply calm?


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: this chapter contains sex scenes.
> 
> So, here we are. Never written something like that, but... yeah. Hope you like it. 
> 
> Also, since tomorrow the Christmas days start and I´m not sure, if I´m going to post tomorrow, I´d like to use the opportunity, to wish you all: Merry Christmas! <3
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Love,  
> LJT  
> .-.-.

Clarke. 

 

As she pulls off my shirt and hers only a second later, I know she´s sure about it. That´s all the confirmation I needed. 

So I take the lead and turn us around slowly, my lips crashing hungrily against hers. I´ve never wanted anything so bad in my life.

I push her towards the bed slowly, until she sits down abruptly. I´m losing all ability to breathe and think properly in the process, while I´m taking my time to admire her toned body, her tanned skin and the look in her eyes. It´s full of desire, love and vulnerability. It´s everything I dreamed of and so much more. 

It´s Lexa Woods, the girl I fell in love with during highschool, the woman I adore and plan on making my wife someday. 

She´s stunning. So sexy. 

I step between her legs and push her carefully back down on the bed. Lexa takes me with her and we fall together, giggling happily. She doesn´t mind me crashing into her. Instead she kisses me again and when my lips find her pulse point to leave a mark for everyone to see, I´m rewarded with the most beautiful sound in the world a woman can make. 

“You´re so beautiful.” I whisper against her soft skin, kissing my way down towards her collarbone and back. “So, so beautiful.”

My hands wander along her sides, from her hips towards the cup of her bra. My lips ache to kiss every inch of her body. “Can I take it off?” 

She just nods, eyes closed. She´s doing that lip-thing again.

“You really sure?” 

“Yes, Clarke.” She says, sighing and shivering, when my words meet her neck. 

My hands travel across her ribcage, aiming for her back. Everywhere I touch her skin, I leave goosebumps behind. Her breathing is already unsteady, but mine is too.

Lexa lifts her body just a little bit, so I´m able to unlock her bra just seconds later. I throw it over my shoulder, while my lips meet hers again.

For a while we get lost in each other’s embrace and warmth, while our bare breasts are pressed together and both of us are trying to get used to this. I hope, we won´t. Ever. Not to the feeling, not to the look on her face. Her lips are swollen from all our kissing and slightly parted, her eyes have darkened by now and they´re full of want. 

I can´t take it any longer. 

“I plan on making love to you now, Lex.” I breathe against her pure and innocent skin. 

A shiver runs through her body, when I´m kissing my way downwards.

The same second, I wrap my mouth around one of her nipples, while brushing a thumb over the other, her breathing increases even more. I´m rewarded with a soft moan and her body pressing back into mine. My other hand makes it´s way towards the waistband really slowly. 

It doesn´t take long to pull the sweatpants off. Simple black lace panties come into view and I catch my breath. Wow, that woman is really playing dirty. Pretty sure, she´s going to kill me one day.

“Like what you see?” She teases, as I catch my breath. 

I crash our lips together hungrily instead of an answer.

My heart skips a beat, as her hands wander from my back under my waistband. Just when I got used to the feeling of her skin against mine, she floods my nervous system with another sensation. 

“Too many clothes.” She states, sounding confident. 

Once again I break away and nearly trip over my own feet while trying to get rid of my too tight jeans. Lexa is laughing carefree, watching, until I´ve stepped out of my pants, standing there almost naked, only wearing some panties – at least the sexy ones. 

Her eyes roam my body shamelessly, but I´ve never felt more loved. 

I lay back down beside her, fingers brushing over her abdomen. Watching me, she pulls of her panties.

We intertwine our fingers for a few moments, while sharing a loving kiss. She grabs my hand and leads it downwards, to the wet heat pooling between her legs. As soon as my fingers touch her wet folds, she shivers again, followed by a loud gasp. Sucking at her pulse point while running my fingers through her heat makes her a writhing mess below me, bucking her hips against my hand within a short time.

Slowly I´m kissing my way downwards, caressing every inch of her skin. Her navel. Her hips. Her thighs. Leaving dark marks behind.

“Clarke.” She groans.

That´s, when I can´t take it anymore. I need to taste her, to make love to her and to make her scream my name. Preferably in that order. 

Lexa releases a cry of pure joy and pleasure as my tongue brushes over her center. And jesus, how she tastes… 

Her following moans travel through my own whole body, setting it on fire. I can feel wetness pooling between my own legs, but it´s not my turn. This night is hers. 

And I´m taking my time.

 

\----------------

Lexa. 

 

Kissing Clarke makes me feels things for which there are no words. She´s simply addictive in every single way. I can´t get enough of her. 

For the first time in my life, I´m completely okay with not being in charge, of letting go. She makes me lose control and I don´t mind.

I lose control of my thoughts first. My head is spinning since our skin touched and it´s turning faster with every touch, every kiss, every breath.

I lose control of my body second. The way she brushes her fingers across my stomach, the way she kisses my breasts and the way her tongue knows what to do down there… 

I´m a writhing, moaning mess and I love every second of it. 

When she makes me come, I´m seeing stars and it takes minutes to regain enough consciousness to open my eyes again. Tasting myself on Clarkes lips makes me shudder. 

We share words of love and a few light kisses, before her hand wanders back towards my center, sliding my legs open once again, pulling them around her. I´ve never wanted anything more than her, inside of me, right now. 

“Are you sure?” 

I swear, if she asks me that one more time, I´m going to go crazy. 

Clarke hovers over me, skin touching, we both are still breathing hard. She smirks lovingly, as she keeps teasing me. 

“Please.” The word leaves my lips without noticing. I didn´t want to beg, but I need her so badly, I can´t stop myself. 

I´m in another universe, the moment her finger enters me. For a split second it feels unreal, tight. But it doesn´t hurt. I nod my approval, my eyes closed. 

I moan loudly as she starts to move and grab the bedsheets. “Fuck!”

“Did you just swear, baby?” She teases. 

I can´t even answer.

Her lips swallow my moans, but we both have to gasp for air after a short while, our lungs burning. Not long after her first finger, she enters a second. Clarke is moving with me, panting against my body, while I lose myself in the rhythm of her fingers curling inside of me.

My walls start to clench. 

“Clarke.” I mumble between two loud and deep groans, arching into her touch, which sends waves of pleasure through my body. “I´m close.”

“I know.” She pants, kissing against my jaw. “Come for me, Lex.” 

And I do, with her name on my lips, harder than I ever did before. My back arches off the bed, stars explode behind my eyelids and my body feels as if it´s on fire. My nails leave marks on her back, while I keep holding on to her and she whispers words of love in my ear, while bringing me down gently. 

It takes me minutes to finally calm my breathing and even longer to come back to myself. It feels too good to be true. 

I wrap my arms around her, as she lays her head on my shoulder, whisper “thank you” and “I love you”. We lie in silence for a while, my fingers brushing over her shoulder, both of us lost in thoughts. 

“Clarke?” I ask silently. 

“Yes, baby?” God, I love her calling me that. 

“It´s your turn.” 

“You don´t have to-”

“I want to.”

 

\----

We spent the night losing ourselves in each other, until the blanket lays on the floor, our skin is sweaty and the room smells of sex.

Clarke is teaching me the art of making love in a way I´ve never dared to dream of. Late in the night we fall asleep, wrapped up in each other, bright smiles on our faces. 

I could grow old this way. 

 

\-----

 

Exhausted from the best night of our lives, we don´t notice the sun creeping through the curtains in the early morning.

As I wake, I´m the big spoon, my nose nestled in Clarkes´ hair. That´s what woke me up in the first place. I smile. I could get used to that. I want to. 

I let my fingers brush through her hair, while I think about us. Nothing scares me anymore. I´m not that insecure girl I was during highschool. I´m just falling in love with her, every day a little more. And that´s beautiful.

I detach myself carefully, pull the blanket over my naked girlfriends body and toddle slowly towards the bathroom, not even bothering to put some clothes on. 

When I return, I stop in the doorway, leaning against it, while I take in that beautiful view in front of me. Clarke is still laying in my bed, but she has turned around, so that she´s now laying on her stomach. Her naked body is barely covered with the blanket, her hair is spread across the bedsheet.

I could spend an eternity standing there, but I crawl back to bed and kiss her shoulder blades and her nape softly. A sensitive spot I found last night, where I left a dark purple mark. 

Oops. Sorry, not sorry.

“Clarke. Baby.” I murmur softly.

I get a grumpy noise, close to a hum as an answer, and can´t stop myself from smiling. She still isn´t a morning person. I think, that´s cute. 

“Wake up, little lion.” I continue kissing down her spine, leaving behind goosebumps on her skin. 

I earn a smile from her, but she still doesn´t open her eyes.

“Do you want breakfast?” 

Another, muffled sound. I take it as approval and try to get up again, but she grabs my hand. “Stay. Please?” 

I let myself fall down on the mattress next to her, sighing.

“It´s nearly eight.” Once again, I´m the reasonable one. Even if I´m feeling worn out – but it´s a good worn out. “We should get up. You have to be at work in… five minutes.”

“Too tired.” She answers. I can hear her smile in her voice. “Hand me my phone, please?”

I do as I´m told, only to watch her typing a message to her boss. 

“You´re sick?” I ask, not even bothering with hiding my smirk. 

Clarke laughs and dear god, she´s so beautiful in the morning, with her hair messed up, laying naked in my bed. “You´ve worn me out. I´m sure, I can´t walk properly.”

I take that as a compliment. 

“I thought about taking a hot shower to loosen my muscles. Want to join me?” I´m still not sure where the sudden confidence comes from, maybe from the best night of my life, but I love it and I plan on basking in it as long as possible.

Clarke watches me closely. I take the opportunity and get up as fast as possible. 

“Hey, wait for me!” She shouts, following right after. 

Yes, I could get used to it. 

 

\-----

 

After spending far too much time in the shower, to call it a shower, we finally put on some clothes and made our way towards the kitchen to raid my refrigerator.

Okay, we can´t keep our hands to ourselves, while we prepare our breakfast. Sometimes she just brushes my hips, when she´s walking by. Sometimes our pinkies touch by accident. Sometimes one of us leans over to catch the other´s lips. 

Honestly? I could burst out of happiness. 

That´s what love should look like and I´m glad, that I didn´t waste my time on something fast and easy. I´m glad, I´ve waited for her. It´s been worth it.

 

\-----


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas everyone!! <3
> 
> Thank you for reading!! Means a lot to me <3
> 
> Love,   
> LJT.  
> .-.-.

#### Clarke 

 

I´m floating on pure happiness. 

My senses are wide awake and still hyperactive, long after Lexa fell asleep, her arms wrapped around my body. Even though I´m exhausted, I´m basking in the feeling of her holding me close, of our skins touching and of the smell of us everywhere. 

I have to be the luckiest woman on earth.

I can feel her heartbeat, slow and steady, beating in unison with mine. The longer I focus on it, the more my senses calm down. 

Soon, I´m asleep, too.

 

\-----

 

There´s something about waking in her bed, naked, with her lips ghosting across my back. It´s something so human and at the same time so out of the world, that I can´t open my eyes. I just can´t – because I´m too afraid, the bubble might burst.

It doesn´t. 

The bubble is no bubble. It´s reality. 

I realize it, the moment I walk into the kitchen, where Lexa started making breakfast just a few minutes ago. 

Her hair is still wet from our shower. She´s wearing nothing more than an oversized t-shirt and a smile and something about it feels so real, so familiar, that I can feel tears welling in my eyes. 

I could get lost in my thoughts, but I walk over and press a kiss on her shoulder. 

“Mmh.” She hums. 

It´s perfection. 

We work in silence, but I can´t keep my hands to myself, as if they have minds on their own, longing to catch up the lost time. But Lexa doesn´t mind. 

And I know, I´m not the only one, who´s thoughts wander to last nights events. And to previous events in her shower. 

“So. What are your plans today?” I ask, when we finally sit down.

“I´m free until afternoon. I´m promised to read Harry Potter.”

“And after that?” 

Lexa smiles, taking a sip of her coffee. “I´ve got plans already. I´d like to spend the evening and the night with my beautiful and sexy girlfriend.”

“You trying to make me jealous?” I fake a pout. “And here I thought, I was your only one. I´m disillusioned now, thank you.”

“Well, I got a few hours left this morning. Maybe I could make up for that outrageous disappointment? What do you say?”

I love – LOVE – her new-found confidence. Or was it always there? I don´t care, because I´m busy with getting up and dragging her back towards her bedroom. 

Yes, I´m addicted. To everything about her.

 

\-----

 

“Jesus, Griffin. What a rare sight!” Raven comments, as I walk through our apartment door around noon. “And wait. Why do I get to see you in the first place? Shouldn´t you be working?”

“Hello to you, too.” I answer, rolling my eyes. “And yes, I´m fine. Thanks, for asking. How´s your day so far? How´s your project going?”

She raises both eyebrows, eyeing me closely, as I kick of my shoes and make my way to the refrigerator, to get some lemonade. 

“Holy shit!” She suddenly shouts. “I know that look! You finally did it! You got laid!” 

I almost drop the bottle. 

“Raven.” I groan annoyed, because I won´t even try to deny it. “Could you act like a normal grown up human being for once in your life? Would it be that hard?”

She hops onto the kitchen surface and pats the spot beside her. “You love me. Now, sit down and spill.”

“I won´t.”

“That bad?” 

I ignore her question, while I pour myself a glass. As if. It´s been – hands down – the best night and the best morning of my life. 

“Oh. That good?” 

“Raven! I´m not going to talk about my sex life.” 

“So you did it?”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath to stop myself from punching her in the face. Sometimes I don´t know, why we´re even friends. Raven has no limits, no filter and most of all: no inhibitions. Yes, sometimes it´s a gift. But most of the time it´s really annoying for everyone around.

“Okay, I´ll stop, if you answer one question about her.” Raven suggests, grinning from ear to ear, which does not significantly increase my confidence. “No matter what question, you answer. Sounds like a deal?” 

“No? But you won´t shut up, will you?” 

She shrugs and hops down from the kitchen surface to follow me towards the couch, where we continue our conversation.

“Shoot. And then let me be.” 

“Okay. On a scale from one to ten and ten´s the best. How good was the sex?”

I sigh. 

Mostly, because I expected this question. But partly, because ten is not enough and I´m not sure, if I want to tell her that. On the other hand, I have to tell her how amazing Lexa is – not just in bed. I have to talk about it, because it feels so… unreal and I´m soooo happy and I could grin all day and…

“A twenty?” 

“She didn´t look like a twenty. I guess, still waters run deep. That good, hm?”

“Better.” I answer, unable to wipe a grin off of my face. “God, I´m so in love with her, you can´t imagine. I´ve never felt that way before and just being apart from her for a few hours makes me miss her so badly, I´m… I´m screwed. And I love it.”

Raven smiles, surprisingly gentle, waiting for me to continue.

“I mean, I loved her for so long and… Being with her is surreal and crazy, but at the same time, I´m feeling home, you know?” I say. “And it´s so… natural. So relaxed. As if it´s always been this way. Everything she does, everything she says, every minute I get to spend with her makes me love her more.”

“She´s wife material?”

“Yeah.” I nod, completely lost in thoughts.

She´s the one I want to return to after good days and bad days, the one I want to fall asleep and wake up next to. I want to make her laugh, until she´s crying out of pure happiness. I want to hold her, kiss her and make love to her every day of my life. 

Raven frowns skeptical. “You´re not already thinking of proposing, are you?” 

“Umm. No?” I say, not convincing myself either. Because the truth is, I´d marry her right now, if I could. 

“Oh my god, Griffin. You two are dating for like… two weeks? Three, maybe? You can´t propose yet. It´s way too early. And I mean it. Way. Too. Early.” Raven answers, emphasizing every “too”, so I can´t miss it, and throwing her hands up in faked despair and disbelief. 

She´s right. I know, she is. 

“Give it at least two or three months. Please. You´re not that desperate, okay? At least, don´t let it show.”

I´m not desperate. Just… madly in love? Okay, I´m crazy, I know that.

“Griffin.” She whines.

“Reyes.”

“One night and you´re thinking about marrying her.” 

“I thought about it before.” I correct.

“You what? Oh my god, you´re a helpless case.”

“I´ve been told that before.” I comment, laughing. “Don´t worry, I won´t ask her. Not now. But I will and probably this year? I mean, I just… I can´t wait to start our lives together and I want it all.”

“It´s September. So I guess, although it´s early, that´s not too crazy. At least not Raven-Reyes-crazy.” 

We both erupt in laughter. Yeah, her level of craziness is unbeatable.

“Thanks for listening.”

“Always. After all, we started with you crying over leaving her. It´s fitting, that I listen to your rambling about being madly in love, marrying and having amazing sex.” She replies in a teasing tone. 

I nod, lost in thoughts. 

“By the way.” Raven continues, raising her eyebrows once more. One of her – sometimes annoying – characteristics is, that she never forgets a thing. So of course, we would come back to this question. “Why aren´t you at work again?”

“Umm. I… I´m sick?” 

Raven waits silently. 

“Okay, we slept in and then I didn´t want to get up. Or maybe I couldn´t. Anyway, I didn´t want to try and fail, so I called in sick and… well. Can we change the topic now?” 

My best friend is laughing and I´m blushing. 

“You´re really whipped. It´s gross.” She retorts.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, studying has been kicking my ass :( 
> 
> But here it is! I'll try to update as soon as possible, but I'm really busy right now, so I can't promise anything- except trying! 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading!! Wishes, opioniond etc. are welcomed! 
> 
> I wish you all a happy new year! 
> 
> Love,  
> LJT.  
> ____

####  A month later 

####  Lexa. 

"Hey, Lexa! I didn't know you'd be here, too!" Raven tells me, looking really surprised, as she walks up to the table I chose by the window of my favorite coffeeshop. "Where's Clarke?"

"Umm... actually, you agreed to coffee with me. I stole Clarkes' phone." I confess. 

Raven frowns, but sits down nevertheless. "Spill. What did you do?" 

"Nothing. Yet? I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Wait, you're thinking about proposing?"

"What? No!" 

That would be a bit too early. Not, that I don't want to marry her. I do. But there's one step, that should come before that. 

"Don't sound so horrified!" She says laughing. 

"I didn't mean it this way, you know that." 

Raven leans back, arms crossed. "I do. Okay, so why am I here?"

"I..." _Breathe, Lexa_ , I tell myself. But Raven is scary, when she looks at me like that. And I don't want to do anything wrong. "I want to ask Clarke to move in." 

The sentence lingers in the air for a few seconds, before Ravens face shows a reaction. A soft and gentle smile. "She'll say yes."

"You think so?" Insecurity and hope mix together in my voice. I'm scared of rushing things between us, but Clarke had spent most of her nights at my place for the last weeks and I can't sleep well anymore, if she's not next to me. 

"Yeah. But why am I here?"

"I... wanted to ask, if you're okay with that, I guess?" 

Now she's laughing hard. 

"Really? You're adorable." She answers after she calmed down a bit. "Lexa, that girl loves you. And I love her, in a platonic and friendly way. I want her to be happy and you make her happy. So yeah, I'm more than okay. Besides, I could use a spare room for my work stuff."

Sounds exactly like Raven. 

"Thank you."

"Always. How do you plan on asking her?"

"Umm... simple? Clarke, will you move in with me?"

She throws her hands up in annoyance and faked despair. "Oh my god. You're really hopeless. You can't just ask her like you'd ask her out for dinner or stuff. Lexa, this is serious!"

"I know that! But Clarke hates cheesy stuff and-"

"So you'll ask romantically." Raven shrugs and steals the coffee, which got just placed in front of me. "Another one please." 

I raise my eyebrows, but she just shrugs again, pouring a ridiculous amount of sugar into the cup. It's sugar with coffee now, but it wouldn't explain her hyperactivity. 

"And how would the great Raven Reyes do that?"

"Well. We can sure work something out. Give me a few minutes."

Minutes pass in silence. Meanwhile Raven is staring at me, as if my face would hold the answers. 

"You've met at school?"

I nod. 

"Okay, that's boring. First kiss?"

"Closet of a friend, while playing seven minutes in heaven. Clarke was really drunk and thought she made it up."

"That's a story for a wedding." She comments, still frowning. "Okay, I'm no expert on this one true love thing. How about something that connects you two? Like a favorite place or memory?"

I appreciate her trying to help, but it's not exactly working. I've thought about how to ask her a lot - like all the time. When she's sleeping next to me, when she's cuddled into my arms or when she's at work. And all those ideas seem so simple and cheesy. 

"I want to do this right." Is all I answer. 

Raven smiles. "How about that. You'll give me your phone number and I'll text you, when I've got an idea. Or the other way around. Either way, I'll help you, because you sure need it."

"Thank you." I tell her, writing down my number on my notepad, before ripping out a page and handing it to her. Old fashioned, I know. 

Raven watches me closely. "Sure thing. You know, I like you, Woods. You're good for her. And thank you for the coffee."

She grabs the piece of paper and gets up, smiling once more. 

I return it. "See you, Reyes."

"Keep safe, Woods."

That talk went different from what I expected. But I like her. I can totally understand, why she's Clarkes best friends. 

 

\--------

 

Later that day, close to midnight, I'm sitting at my desk. Clarke is asleep in my bed - hopefully ours soon. 

I've been writing like crazy for the last hour. My head is filled with so many different ideas, that it's been hard to decide, where to start. A first-world-writers-problem, I guess. 

I shouldn't complain. 

For years my inspirations have been sad feelings or at least rarely happy ones. And even though I'm capable of writing my best and most powerful scenes, when I'm feeling like crap, it's really good to convert my happiness for once. 

Clarke asked me, how I write last week. Where I find my inspirations. She read the raw version if the book, which is going to be released by the end of the year and she'd been absolutely head over heels for it. 

I've received great critique from importan newspapers and other authors. I wrote bestsellers. 

But her opinion is the only one, which really matters. I didn't know until that very moment, that she had read two of my books without knowing they were mine. And I didn't know, that she loved them. 

I just had sat there, on my couch, and I had cried out of happiness. 

And after I had myself and my overwhelming emotions under control again, I used the following picture: I fill a box with all experiences, events, thoughts and feelings; then I close it and shake it for as long as I think I need to; and when I open it again, Im rewarded with all kinds of beautiful ideas. 

Since I've got her back in my life, I'm feeling more inspired than ever. 

And I've got more feelings and experiences to put into my writing than ever. Love. Desire. Satisfaction. 

I take another sip of the red wine we had for dinner. 

That's, what adulthood should look like. Drinking wine to work, while the woman, you want to spend the rest of your life with, lays (naked) in your bed, peacefully asleep. 

Except, that Clarke isn't asleep anymore. I can hear her creeping up on me and smile. She's never been good at that. 

"Hey." I whisper, just before she's about to touch my shoulders. 

"Damn! How do you do that?"

"You're not exactly quiet." I answer. 

Clarke sighs and wraps her arms around my neck and I could ravel in that feeling forever. 

But then she talks again, her voice so damn sexy an seductive, that I'd do anything. "Come back to bed, babe."

She doesn't have to say it twice. 

"I'll be right there. Just a moment." I tell her, quickly saving my document (twice, because it's really devastating and unnecessary to lose a good story) and get up. 

Clarke is standing by the bedroom door in nothing but my shirt, which is barely covering anything. She can probably see the thoughts running through my mind on my face. 

Shit. She's going to kill me one day. 

We crash our lips together hungrily, as soon as I've reached her. I back her up against the wall, lifting her by her naked tighs and wrapping her legs around my hips, while drinking her in.

"You taste of wine." She whispers, while I kiss down her throat. 

"And you taste of sex." I answer grinning, listening to her sucking in a sharp breath, when my lips graze her earlobe. Another weak spot of hers. 

"Well, that's your fault."

"Ours."

"If we go again...." Kiss. "I won't be..." Kiss. "Able to walk tomorrow." Kiss. 

"You came over all dressed up seductively." I tell her, leaning in for another kiss, but stopping an inch away from her lips. 

She's got her eyes closed and her lips are parted, she's waiting for me to kiss her again. 

When I don't, she opens her blue eyes.

Sometimes I still can't believe, all of this is true. And maybe that feeling will never fade. I hope, it doesn't. 

"I love you, Clarke."

A wide and beaming smile spreads across her face. "I love you, too."

Without any more words, I carry her inside the bedroom and lay her down on the bed gently, before I join her under the blanket. 

I could look at her forever. 

"Clarke?" 

"Yeah?"

"I wanted to plan the whole thing and do it the most romantic way. I even met up with Raven today, but I ... I don't want to wait. Life is too short sometimes and it's too fast most of the time." I say, staring into those beautiful blue eyes I've known and loved for so long. "So I'm asking you now. Would you like to move in with me?"

Clarke blinks a few times. Before I can read the expression on her face, she's kissing me deeply and passionate. It's full of love and I get lost in it the moment our lips meet. 

Then - all too soon - she pulls back, just a little. 

"I'd love to, Lex."

Okay, I definitely need to hear that again. 

"Yes?" 

She nods, a smile on her lips, because she knows me. "Yes. I'll move in with you." 

Clarke leans over to capture my lips once again. This time, her hands tangle in my hair. They stay there, even when we break apart to catch some air after a few moments. 

"And I can't imagine any better way to be asked that question."

"You don't think it's to soon?" I ask shyly. 

"For what? For us? For love? No, Lex, I don't think so. I want it all with you." 

She feels the same. She loves me. I feel like jumping around the room again. 

My thump brushes across her bottom lip, tracing our previous kiss. 

"Lex?"

"Hm?"

"Do you remember all the plans we made for our lives back then?"

"Of course I do." I answer. I remember them all. Every little detail - even the blue shutters she'd like to have and the evenings in the bathtubs, when the kids are asleep. 

"I've always pictured you in them, you know?" She confesses, watching my face closely. "House. Dog. Kids. We shared it all." 

I smile gently. "We'll have that."

"Kids, too?" 

"Yeah. One day."

"How many?"

I think about it for a moment, imagining a blonde, blue eyed little boy and his little sister. "Maybe two? Or three? They'll be beautiful and cute."

Clarkes smile matches mine. "I'd like that. What about the dog? A small one or a big one?"

"Small. Because I know you. You'll let him into bed with us and you're already claiming two thirds of it, so a small little dog, who won't need too much space."

"Hey!" She protests appalled and hits my shoulder playfully. "You're the one stealing the blanket."

"Yeah, and you're crushing me every morning." Not, that I mind. 

"Because I'm cold?" 

We both laugh relaxed. 

"How will we name our dog?" She continues.

"Umm. Something classic? Not after some character in a tv-show. That's lame. How about a literature figure?" I suggest. "But I guess, we decide, once we see him. And it's gotta be a puppy."

"You'll get a puppy." She chuckles and kisses the tip of my nose. "Promise."


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first chapter of the year! 
> 
> I didn´t double check or anything, just wanted to get it done for you guys! Happy new year! Let´s hope for lots of great new stories and an amazing season 5. I gotta say, I´m sceptic. But hopeful! 
> 
> WARNING: sex scene ahead ;)
> 
> As always: thanks for reading, feedback is welcomed! 
> 
> Love,  
> LJT  
> ___

\-------

####  Clarke. 

It´s Saturday morning around ten o´ clock.

Sleeping in on weekends has been the highlight of my weeks for years now, because I´m practically addicted to sleep. It´s this feeling of laziness and peace.

I woke up minutes ago and I´ve been doing the same thing since then. Watching Lexa sleep. My ridiculously beautiful girlfriend is laying on her stomach, with the most peaceful look on her face. 

I memorize the picture, so I can draw it later. I´d love to do that now, but her arm is wrapped around my body and I don’t want to wake her up. Besides, I like her warmth a little too much.

She asked me to move in. 

Honestly? I couldn´t be happier right now, even though I just started living with Raven and Octavia. But I can´t wait to spend our lives together and my two friends have that knowing look on her face. 

“I can feel you staring.” Lexa says, without opening her eyes, her voice adorably sleepy once more. “Like what you see?”

“You know, I do.” 

“How late is it?” 

“Early.” I tell her, rolling around. I press a soft kiss against her temple, making her smile in the process. “We´ve got time.”

“Good.” 

We lay in silence for a while, my fingers brushing through her hair. 

“I love this. Waking up next to you. Us. Our little bubble.” I tell her quietly and watch, as she opens her green eyes to look at me.

“Me too.” She answers and smiles brightly, before she rolls away to grab some mints. She provided us with these to avoid morning breath, but getting up too. My lovely dork. Grinning, she puts one mint in my mouth, before she takes one herself. “And now, you´ll get a proper good morning.” 

She crawls over to me and doesn´t stop until she´s on top of me, her body pressed against mine. My hands sneak below her shirt, but she pulls them away and drags them over my head, holding them there firmly.

I wouldn´t admit it, but I secretly love her taking control. At least afterwards.

Nearly lazy, she lowers her head, until her lips hover closely over mine. But whenever I lift my head to kiss her, she pulls back a bit. 

“Lexa.” I whine. “Stop teasing.”

She smirks and grinds down her hips. She sets my skin on fire and my mouth falls open in a gasp as the familiar heat starts to pool in my stomach and way below, too. 

She knows exactly, what she´s doing. And I like it.

“Lexa!” 

“What?” 

“Either you´ll do something or I´m out of this.” I groan, trying to move, but her body keeps me from doing so quite effectively. Not, that I mind.

“For that, little lion, you´d have to be in control.”

“And here I thought I´d be the dominant.”

Lexas smirk transforms into a wide smile, before she – finally – leans in to kiss me. While doing so, she changes the hold of my hands, so she can use one of her own to push up the shirt I´m still wearing. 

My skin tingles, as her hand flutters over my ribs and I´m already so turned on, that I can´t stop the soft moan from falling from my lips.

Soon, her lips kiss downwards. First my jaw, then my neck, my collarbone, the swell of my breasts, the valley between. 

Somewhere along the way she let´s go of my hands to be able to move lower. I don´t even notice it. Instead, I grab the pillow to ground myself. My eyes slam shut the second her lips graze my stomach, nibbling and licking over the exposed skin.

“Fuck, Lex. Please.” 

It should be a crime to tease that long. There should be a punishment. 

I can feel my hips thrusting up in their own accord, not even trying to obey to my brain, desperately searching for some friction. I can feel Lexa grinning against my skin, as she marks my hipbone, before she changes direction, crawling back up again. 

“Lex.” I groan once more, eyes still closed. “I need you.” 

“I´m here.” She whispers, her voice sultry and sexy. “Just wait a second.” 

Waiting? After what she just did to me? Or better, after what she hinted and didn’t do? I swear, I´m going to die of sexual frustration, if she doesn´t fuck me now. I open my eyes just in time to see, that she´s undressing herself, before she lays down beside me and my fantasy goes wild. 

I don´t have to wait longer, as Lexa rolls back on top of me to nestle between my legs, just this time we´re both naked and I can feel her – her skin, her warmth, her wetness. Oh shit, I´m so turned on I could come right now.

My eyes slam shut again, as she moves against my body once. “Fuck.”

“You like that?” She whispers against my neck.

“Stop talking and move.” 

She laughs, but obeys my orders. I can feel the love and desire she pours into every single movement and it makes my head spin.

Her thrusts and slides against my center vary, sometimes they´re soft and barely there, sometimes they´re hard and deep. Her rhythm changes, too – sometimes she´s so slow, that I scream her name, begging for more, sometimes she moves so fast, that I can see stars. 

Whenever I´m about to trip over the edge, her movements stop and she just lays there on top of me, looking at me with so much love and passion, that I can almost forgive her for the teasing. Almost. 

“Please.” I whisper after the third break. I feel like losing my mind, if she won´t let me come this time. 

_Scratch that. I am losing my mind._

Lexa nods and starts to move again. Every time, our bodies connect, she rips a deep moan from my lips and I´m not the only one. 

My senses are overwhelmed. I can feel my wetness mingling with hers and the thought sends my body into overdrive. 

“I´m-”

I can´t say another word, as my orgasm sends giant waves of pleasure rippling through my body, making my back arch of the bed, pressing my body into hers. The same second her body freezes on top of me. Her mouth forms an “o” shape and god, she´s so beautiful, when she comes. She collapses on my chest, desperatly gasping for air. 

Every nerve in my body aches for her, in every way possible. 

So I hold her close, arms wrapped around her naked body, as we both come down. Our bodies are melted together, as we lay in the bliss of the most powerful afterglow we shared so far. 

I am not willing to let her go just yet. To let this moment end. 

How can you love someone this much? I´ve always dreamt of it. The one, big and true love you share your life with. And I’ve loved her for so long, but it feels like I´m falling more and more in love with her – with every day we spent together, with every kiss, every laugh, every word and every touch we share.

It´s on overwhelming feeling.

“You´ve wrecked me, you know?” I tell her after a while. “I won´t be able to walk. I can´t even feel my legs.” 

“I guess, we have to stay here then.” Lexa mumbles, and I can feel her lips pressing a soft kiss against the spot beneath my earlobe. “What a pity.” 

“We promised mom to be there early. We skipped Thanksgiving this year, but we´ll celebrate her birthday as good as we can.” 

“I know. But we could… maybe take a long and hot shower? To loosen your muscles of course.” 

Honestly. How can I say no to that? 

 

\------

####  Lexa. 

“Clarke, would you please hurry up now? We´re already late!” I shout in the bedrooms direction, while checking the time again on my mobile phone.

“And who´s fault is that?” She answers right away. “I can´t help it, you´re sexy. And hot. And really fucking great with your tongue.” 

I groan quietly and close my eyes, trying desperately to not have these thoughts. After all, we´re set to celebrate her moms’ birthday, who´s just lost her husband. So… Yeah. Way to kill the mood. 

“Just hurry, please?” 

I hate being late. But she´s a really good reason. And… 

_No. Stop thinking about sex, Lexa._ I swear, I feel like one of those horny teenagers.

“I´m right here. No need to get all nervous.” 

Clarke is wearing dark blue skinny jeans, which accentuate her curves a bit too much, to not think about sex, a white blouse and a blue blazer over it. She´s gorgeous. 

“You´re looking beautiful.”

“You don´t look bad yourself, Woods.” She replies, smiling. I chose a similar outfit, only with black jeans and an olive t-shirt and I´ve got the jacket in my hand. 

“So we´re back to Woods again?”

Somehow that´s hot. Or is it just the morning sex and it´s tension, that´s still lingering between us?

“After what you did to me back there, yes.” She points towards the bedroom. “I´m sure, I´m going to fall, because my legs are still feeling wobbly.” 

“I´m going to catch you. Promise.” 

“Smooth. But not enough, Woods.” She answers, grinning, as she walks out the door. 

_Oh god. That´s going to be a long, long day._

 

\-----

 

During the drive, I hold her hand as often as possible. Her childhood home is only a few blocks from here, but walking wouldn´t be possible after this morning. Not, that I´d tell her, but my legs are sore, too. 

“Finally!” Aden tells us, as we get out of the car. “Mom´s nervous and driving me nuts!”

“Watch your tongue, little one.” Clarke tells her brother, hugging him tightly. 

“I am not little.” He protests. 

“You´ll always be the little one. Get used to it.” 

He groans, but doesn´t say a word. 

“Girls!” Abby says, as soon as we´ve stepped a foot through the door. She wraps us in a motherly embrace. “Thank you for coming earlier.”

I remember the day, we told her, that we´re together. Her eyes welled with tears, as she hugged us both at the same time. She didn´t let go of us for a while. 

“Of course.” I tell her. “What can we do?”

“I need an assistant in the kitchen and Clarke could maybe get the dishes and stuff? We´ve still got a lot of time, but I´d like to lay down for a bit before the dinner.” 

“I could help you, you know? I don´t burn down the house anymore.” Clarke states and fakes a pout.

“Yeah.” I say. “Except last weekend, when you burned the pancakes. Again.” 

“Oh Clarke. Really?” Abby asks, amused. 

It´s a mystery, how she does it, but she really keeps ruining everything, that´s not including warming up or putting something in the oven. Cakes are the only eatable things, she doesn´t destroy. 

Clarkes answer is an incomprehensible mumble, before she leaves for the dining room. 

“So, Lexa. How´s it going with the two of you?” 

Strange question. Suspicious. 

“It´s going great. Fantastic.” 

Abby eyes me closely, while I start putting together some of the snacks she prepared. “Is there anything you want to tell me?” 

Okay now it´s really suspicious. 

“I´m not sure, what you´re aiming for, Abby.” I answer. 

“No? You asked her to move in, didn´t you?”

“How do you-”

A wide grin spreads across Abbys face. It has to be the first real one I´ve seen, since Jakes death. “I didn´t. I just had this feeling… and you, dear, confirmed it.” 

I sigh. 

Mothers are the worst. Literally. 

“Yes I did. Yesterday evening.” I answer, looking straight into her eyes, since there´s no way of denying any more. “She said yes.”

“Of course she did. She loves you.” 

I nod. “Yeah, I guess, she does. Sometimes it´s still strange and I can´t believe, she really wants me. I have to be the luckiest woman on earth.” 

“You deserve her, Lexa. And believe me, I wouldn´t have said that to anybody.”

Her honesty moves me so much, that my eyes are glistening with tears within seconds and a moment later, I´m crying. I´ve been on an emotional rollercoaster the whole day and hearing words like those... The mean so much to me.

“Oh honey, don´t cry.” Abby says, but before she can do anything, Clarke returns.

“Mom! What did you do?” She asks a little horrified, cupping my face gently, a worried expression in her ocean blue eyes. 

“I´m good, Clarke.” I reassure her and press a soft kiss to her forehead, before she wraps her arms around me. “Just… a little overwhelmed. But in a good way, I promise.”

“But you´re crying.” 

“Those are happy tears.” I say, before pulling back from her a little bit, before I get lost in this feeling again. Besides, I must confess something. “And you´re mom knows about you moving in.”

Clarke glares at her mom. “You tricked her into telling you, didn´t you? Damn, I swear, you´re way too good at this. How did you even know something was up?”

“Motherly instinct.” Abby says, smirking, and her daughter groans annoyed. “Change of topics. We´ll still need to do a lot for later and my son seems to think, he doesn´t have to do anything about it. But he could help you with setting the table, while Lexa and I continue this.” 

“Sure, I´ll try.” 

I watch Clarke leave for the stairs to get her brother. And I realize once more, that I want it all with her. The family dinners, the daily routines, the laughter and the tears, the conflicts and the reconciliations – everything. 

I don´t notice the knowing smile in Abbys face. 

 

\---------


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I´m really sorry for not updating that long. :( Writers Blockade, exams and other stuff... I´ll try to be better!  
> I haven´t edited anything (and it´s almost midnight over here), so there may be a few mistakes. But I wanted to get this out as fast as possible. Hope you like it!

####  A few weeks later, Christmas morning. 

.

####  Clarke. 

“Sweetie? Can I talk to you for a second?” Mom asks, grabbing my arm, as I´m about to walk back into the living room with a few plates in my hands. 

I got up early to help her set the breakfast table. Aden and Lexa are still asleep. 

“Sure. Everything okay?”

“Yeah, just… wanted to talk to you about something.”

She´s not using her “mom-voice”, so I haven´t done anything wrong. That´s a good thing, right? 

I lean against the kitchen counter and wait for her to continue. 

“First, I´d like to say, that I´m proud of you. I haven´t said that very often, but… I still am. You know that, right?” 

“Yes mom, I do.”

“Good. And I wanted to ask you something. I know, it´s probably way to early for you guys to even think about it, but… You´re serious, right? She´s the one?”

“Yes, she is the one for me.”

Okay, now I´m officially nervous. What is she aiming for?

“So, I thought about what I could give you for Christmas, We don’t do big presents and stuff and this year it all feels different. Then I thought about how precious some things are. Family. Love.” She says, sadness clouding her eyes, but she´s smiling nevertheless. “So I want you to have this. For whenever you´re ready for the next step.” 

Mom reaches around her neck to open her necklace and seconds later, her engagement ring comes into view. A simple golden ring with a tiny little diamond. 

“Mom!” I exclaim whispering. “You…”

“Your dad would be so excited about you two being together. I wish, he could be here today.” She continues talking. “But this way, it feels like he is, you know? So… I want you to have it, whether you use it or not.”

I´m speechless, while she hands me the beautiful jewelry. 

“And now you better wake them up, breakfast will be ready in-” 

I hug her tightly. “Thanks, mom. Of course, I´m going to use it.”

“Then you better hide it.” 

“Could you… keep it for a little longer? It´s the safest.”

She eyes me closely. “You´re already planning, aren’t you?”

“Maybe?”

“Clarke?”

“Mom, really. It´s just… an idea. I´m going to tell you details soon, but not now. I´m still in the planning phase. Having a ring does make everything a little more real and easier though.” I admit. “So I´d like you to keep it a little longer, please? She can´t know about it before I ask her.” 

 

\-----

 

I crawl into bed a few minutes later, after I´ve woken up my grumpy little brother – which took some time, until he realized, it´s Christmas morning. 

Lexa´s still sleeping. She just got back from her book tour yesterday evening. It´s been a pretty exhausting week for her and a lonely one for both of us. 

I feel really bad for waking her up, but I can smell the waffles and I know, she loves them.

“Lex.” I whisper, gently kissing her nape. “Wake up, baby. Breakfast is ready.” 

She doesn´t move. I swear, she´s sleeping like she´s dead. It took me a few days to get used to that. 

“Lex.” My lips graze over her neck towards her earlobe.

“Mmm.” 

I chuckle quietly. “There she is. Merry Christmas.”

“Don´t stop.”

“I have to. It´s my mom’s house.”

“We can be quiet.”

“I can. You… not so much.”

“You can´t either.”

“Okay, true. So no, we have to get up. Breakfast is ready. Mom made waffles, with cinnamon. Your favorite.”

“To comfy.” 

“Yeah? How about that?” 

I start tickling her side without further warnings and she squeals, throwing me of her back in the process and seconds later she´s straddling me. 

“That is not nice.”

“But it worked. And now get up, because I´m really hungry.”

“I´m hungry too. For something else.”

She´s going to be the death of me. Because when she´s been gone for a week and saying stuff like that and looking at me like this… I can´t help but give in. 

Her lips crash into mine as soon as she sees my resolve fading. 

We get lost in the kiss and in the following – pretty heated – make out session, until my mom calls us. 

“Girls, get down here, now!” 

I groan a complaint. 

Lexa chuckles. “And here I thought, you´d have more self-restraint than that. I´m shocked, Miss Griffin.” She says, a teasing smile on her perfect, kissable lips. 

“What can I say? I´m really whipped. And now move. I want waffles and presents.”

“What makes you think, you´d get a present?”

“I know you? And honestly, I´m more nervous about your gift. Because I´ve thought about it for weeks, so…” I leave the sentence unfinished and watch a curious expression appear on her face. 

Nervous isn´t the right word. More… excited? Because I know, that she´ll love it.

“Girls! Stop the PDA and hurry!” Aden shouts from outside the door. 

Lexa and I share a confused and surprised look. Since when does he know words like these? He´s a kid. At least in my head. A small, innocent little boy.

“Coming!” Lexa answers, after she´s sat up. 

“Yeah, hopefully downstairs.” My little brother answers, not able to hide his laughter. 

“He did not just say that, did he?” 

“He did, sorry, love.”

I smile, as I sit up too, and ghost a soft kiss between her shoulder blades. “Love?” I repeat. “I like it.”

“Well, I love you. And merry Christmas to you, too.”

\-----

Exchanging presents isn´t – though it´s a real cliché – a special act in our household. After a long breakfast, which leaves us all a little too full, we gather on the floor around the Christmas tree and each one of us piles up their presents. Then we draw an order. (We started doing that, because otherwise we´d all open the presents at once, which ruins the mood.)

Aden comes first, then mom. I´m third and Lexa´s the last one – perfect. And completely by accident, I swear. It´s not like I´d cheat. No. Never.

Lexas present for me is literally perfect. It´s making me smile and cry at the same time, which might look a little strange from the outside, but that´s my way of expressing pure happiness. 

She got me two presents, and both come – how else could it be – straight from the heart. Her beautiful, soulful heart. The most precious thing that´s ever been and will be mine.

The first present is the very first picture of us framed. She always said, she lost it and I was really sad about it. It´s from a day about a week after our first encounter. Lexa was supposed to show me her favorite place, but she took me to the beach, because she knew, I loved it. The photo itself is just a stupid selfie we tried to take with her camera, but it means a lot to me, because that was the day I knew, she would stick around.

Her second present is even more valuable. It´s an unpublished book of hers – one, that she won´t ever publish. Her first story. Our story, she says.

Tears are welling in my eyes and I wrap my arms around her wordlessly. Because there _are_ no words. Thousands of words and none describes, what I feel for her. 

“Thank you.” I whisper quietly into her neck. 

“You´re welcome, love.” 

After a sweet and tender kiss, I pull back and share a look with my mother. She´s smiling – and this time it reaches her eyes, which are glistening with tears, too. Probably for different reasons, but that´s okay. 

Right now, I value her gift even more. 

I´m going to ask her soon. 

“Then I guess, it´s time for your presents, isn’t it?” I ask her.

Lexas eyes sparkle with curiosity and excitement. When it comes to Christmas, she´s like a little kid. 

Aden got her some notepads in different sizes. Mom got her an expensive filler and a necklace, that´s matching the one she got me. Sometimes I wonder, who´s the one in the honeymoon phase. But it´s really cute and Lexa seems to think the same. 

“My present isn´t here.” I tell her. “Well, not here-here. I´ve got to get it really quick. You okay on your own for a minute?”

I can see the confusion in her eyes, but she nods. 

“Stay here. No cheating.” I get up and walk to the front door, where her present is supposed to be waiting. 

Anya is perfectly on time. “Merry Christmas.” She tells me quietly and hands me the small basket. 

“Merry Christmas to you too. And thank you again. You´re the best.”

“I know. That´s why she´s friends with me.”

“Has she been good?”

“Well, she´s way too cute for this world, so… yeah. All good.” 

“Thank you.”

“So you´ve said.”

“Come in, we´ve got lots of leftovers.” I step aside and let her in. 

Before I follow her, I check on the little being inside the basket. Getting Lexa a dog for Christmas wasn´t exactly what I planned for a present, but one of Ravens colleagues was looking for a place for his puppies. Raven showed me a picture and I couldn´t say no. 

The still unnamed little Jack Russell girl chews on my little finger, while I use the other hand to pull her out of the basket. It´s easier this way. 

“Clarke?” Lexa asks in the meantime. “Your gift is Anya?” 

“Nope. But could you close your eyes?” 

“Now I´m scared.”

“Please, just do it.” 

“Done.” 

“Is she cheating?” 

“Nope.” Aden answers. 

I walk quietly back into the living room.

His eyes grow wide as he sees the small puppy, but he keeps his mouth shut.

Carefully I kneel down next to Lexa and while I put the new family member into her lab, I tell her to open her eyes. “You can look now.” 

My best present? Lexas excited squeal in combination with massive heart eyes and the unbelieving question: “You got me a puppy?!?!”

Mission: accomplished. 

Almost on instant she scoops the tiny dog into her arms and lets it crawl into her neck. Looks like they´ve found each other. Guess, I´ll have to share Lexa now.

“Oh my god. _Clarke._ That´s literally the best present I´ve ever gotten.” 

“I take it, you like her?”

“Her?” She repeats, with a beaming smile on her face. Lexa leans over and kisses me gently, without letting go of her four-legged friend. “I _love_ her. I love you.”

“Eww, gross.” Anya comments.

We all ignore her, while everyone else takes their turn on cuddling with the puppy.

“You´ve got a name yet?” I ask a while later, while Lexa´s lying on the couch, the little dog curled up on her chest. 

“How about Luna?” 

“Why´s that?” 

“Because it´s the most underestimated character in my favorite books. And I mean, look at her. She looks like a dreamer. But she looks smart, too. And dogs are so… innocent and pure. That´s what I love about them. They´re just beautiful creatures.”

“Luna it is then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At the moment I think there will be one or two more chapters, but I´m open for prompts or ideas. Feel free to mail me (gam4321@gmx.net) or comment, if you´ve got an idea or anything!  
> Right now, I´m working on another Story (don´t know what hit me), but Inspiration is like rain, I guess - comes, when it wants to.
> 
> As always: thank you for reading!! <3  
> Love,  
> LJT  
> 


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's a bit of a filler, but it'll lead somewhere, I promise.  
> I just wanted to move forward some time again. 
> 
> Thanks for reading again <3  
> Love,  
> LJT

.

####  Lexa 

Life has been moving pretty fast lately. 

When I think about all the things that happened over the year, the last months were definitely the best. Maybe the best ever. 

New year’s is just around the corner and I’m excited for the following year. I’ve got so many ideas and plans for my – our life. 

Little Luna is enriching our life a lot. Apart from being a puppy (and puppies are always cute, that’s like an unspoken law), she’s making us laugh all the time. I can’t help but think, that Clarke didn’t just gift her to me, but to herself too. But whenever the puppy pees in the living room or elsewhere, suddenly it’s my dog.

I swear, sometimes Clarke is such a child. 

While she’s at work, I take Luna with me all the time. And when I visit the kids at the hospital, I leave her with Aden, who’s even more in love with her than his sister. For a teenage boy, he gets really childish and mushy around the puppy.

Life with a dog is a lot less lonely. And adapting my life around Lunas isn’t hard. Instead of running with Lincoln in the mornings, we do it, when Clarke’s home. Though the muscled guy finds a lot of excuses for stopping by, only to sit on the floor and cuddle with the little dog. 

Somehow we developed a routine in the few weeks, Clarke and I have been living together and I love it – waking up next to her, making dinner for her, working on another book project, while she’s sitting next to me on the couch drawing… 

Everything’s going great.

Last year, I was in New York for New Years Eve. Costia invited me and we went to a party hosted by my publisher. It was fun and I met a lot of great people, but it made me miss my home. And getting a call a few minutes after midnight from your ex’s father isn’t exactly cool. 

This year, we’re hosting a party at Abbys place. She invited a few friends and Clarke and I (god, we’re that couple, who does nearly everything together) did the same. So there’s going to be a pretty mixed bunch of people. 

Clarke is set on pairing Raven and Anya. 

I don’t exactly know, when she got the idea of the two of them, but I have to say, that I can picture it. Both are sarcastic and most of the time annoying, but good and loyal friends. 

Raven and I get along perfectly. 

Octavia and I… well, not so much. But we can handle an evening, I guess. Something about her makes me feel insecure. Like I’m not worthy of Clarkes love? Maybe it’s just in my head, though. 

“I can’t believe, you have to go again tomorrow.” Clarke states sadly, while were sitting on the couch in the living room. 

Abby kicked us out of the kitchen a few minutes ago, saying we are useless, if we can’t keep our hands to ourselves. To be fair: she referred to her daughter, not to me. 

“I know. It’ll be two or three days and then I’m back.” I reassure her. “I’ll just sign a few books tomorrow afternoon and the day after I’m heading towards Costia office. Cos and I have to work through the new chapters and I can’t do that over the phone, because I’m really possessive, when it’s about my words. So I’d hang up.”

“Cos.” She repeats, snorting. 

It’s not hard to decipher the emotion on her face. “Clarke. Are you jealous?” 

“Jealous? No. But she’s beautiful.” 

“How do you know?”

“Umm…” She blushes slightly. “I may or may not have googled her?”

Note to self: jealous Clarke is adorably cute. Almost as cute as little Luna. Okay, maybe even cuter. 

I have to bite my lip to stop myself from laughing. 

“Don’t do that.” Clarke says, a little embarrassed. 

“Laughing? I think, it’s cute, that you’re a little possessive yourself.” 

She shakes her head and pushes me a little. “No, the lip thing. You know, its driving me crazy.”

“What? That?” I do it again, this time on purpose. 

“Oh my god. Stop it.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to rip your clothes of right here and now. And my mom’s over there. God, why didn’t we just stay at home for tonight? This would be so much better.” 

I lean a little closer to her, lips close to her ear, while my fingers brush through her hair. “I guess, we could sneak out for a few minutes.” 

“Minutes, hm? Confident much?” 

“Horny much?” I tease. 

I can see her leaning in, our lips almost touch and she closes her eyes. But I pull back abruptly. “Sorry, babe, but you said it yourself. Your mom’s over there.”

“Lex!” She whines. “You’re evil.”

“But I’m yours.”

“That is true.” 

“God, you two are disgusting!” Raven suddenly announces and breaks us apart effectively. 

She let herself in, as usual. Within the last weeks, that’s one of the few things I learned to ignore about her. 

\-----

Holding the person you love, when everyone around you is counting down the last seconds of the year, is something, I always dreamed of, since I saw Jake holding Abby in his arms when I was fourteen. They were living, what my image of true love looks like.

Clarke is beaming with joy, as her eyes meet mine and her arms sneak around my neck. 

“Ten.” She whispers, while the others shout it into the nightsky. 

“Nine.”

I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her close, my forehead leans against hers. This bubble we exist in? I could build my life in it. 

“Eight.” 

“Seven.” 

I want to stare into those deep blue eyes forever.

“Six.”

“Five.”

The first fireworks explode around us. Someone’s eager.

“Four.” 

We both lean in. 

“Three.” 

Time seems to freeze, when our lips crash into each other’s. 

“Two.” 

We don’t hear it. 

“One.”

Tongue meets tongue and while a firework explodes around us, another one explodes in my heart and the kiss sends a dazzling sensation through my body. 

“Happy new year!” Everyone screams excited around us.

“I love you, Lex.” She says. 

“I love you.” I answer, smiling like an idiot. I lean in to kiss her again softly. “Happy new year, little lion.” I tease.

“Happy new year, racoon. That sadly doesn’t rhyme.” 

We both chuckle at that. 

\-----

“I’m going to miss you.” 

“It’s just two days. You’ll live.”

“Don’t make fun of me.”

“If you don’t let me go now, I’ll miss my flight.”

Clarke sighs, but leans in for another kiss – a careful one, so we don’t crush Luna, who seems pretty excited, since we’ve stepped into the airport. So many people and new impressions. 

“Bye, little one.” I coo and kiss the puppy’s head. “Bye, my love. I’ll call you, when I’ve arrived at the hotel, okay?”

“I’ll wait.” Clarke answers. 

I kiss her one last time, before I pull back and grab my stuff. While I’m taking a step backwards, she presses a featherlight kiss on the back of my hand and lets go of it a second later. 

\-----

As soon, as I’ve set foot on New Yorks ground, I’m getting pushed around. I don’t like the feeling, but it’s coming with the job. 

Costia and a driver are there to pick me up from the airport. 

I try to pay attention during the drive, but I'm answering a text from Clarke, so I may be a little distracted. It’s set two minutes before my plane took off.

**Clarke <3: btw, I like “love” a lot more than “little lion”. **

**Me: hey, LITTLE LION. Just landed. That name’s going to stick with you, sorry.**

Her answer comes immediately.

**Clarke <3: please?? **

**Me: you wanted it. No backing out.  
**Me: How’s little Luna?****

****Clarke <3: I might get jealous, you know? ** **

“Lexa, did you even pay attention?” 

“What?” 

Costia rolls her eyes. “Finish sexting and then listen.” 

"I'm not sexting.” 

"Whatever.” 

****Me: you know I love you. <3<3 ** **

****Clarke <3: I love you too. Call me when you can? ** **

****Me: will do. Gotta go now, I'm annoying my lector it seems. <3 ** **

****Clarke: can’t have that. <3 ** **

I know, I'm smiling like a lovesick puppy, but I don’t really care about it. 

“So. I'm listening. Where to first?” 

“I want to meet the girl, who’s got you smiling like that.” Costia answers grinning from one ear to the other. “And we’re heading to the hotel, where you can freshen up, before we start the session.” 

“Sounds great!” 


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys :)  
> Sorry for not updating this one for so long. I've kind of lost Inspiration ...
> 
> It's a short one.  
> There'll probably be two or three more chapters. I decided on keeping out further Drama - it doesn't feel right to me and I can't write something, that doesn't feel right. Hope, that's okay with you :)
> 
> Love,  
> LJT  
> .....

...

#### Clarke 

I wake up with a puppy in my face.

I've got no idea, how she managed to climb into the bed, but here she is. Proud and happy.

Otherwise, it's a quiet morning and the bed feels cold and empty without Lexa.

I took the day off, to have time for the little bundle of energy, and after a short cuddling session, I make us both breakfast.

Lexa says, I can't spoil her, but a piece of my pancake won't harm her, right? Besides, I can't say no to those eyes. And Lexa isn't here, so...

After that, I get ready for the only activity on my list today. I carry Luna to the car and place her on her spot on the backseat, safely buckled up - even though it's a five-minute drive. But Lexa's a Mom, when it comes to Luna, and she's a little paranoid (in a cute way).

When I arrive at my destination, a blunt and sad feeling takes over my body.

It's still early, just half past eight, and that's not lifting the spirits either.

Luna's excited, but that doesn't mean much, since she's excited for everything. She's tugging on the leash, but I barely notice it.

I haven't been to Dads grave very often, because it doesn't feel like he's there. Even months later, it's still like he's away on a work trip.

But I need to do this. I need to tell him about my plans, because it's killing me to keep it inside. And I can't tell Raven or Octavia, because both of them are way too communicative. They couldn't keep a secret, if their lives depended on it.

So... no.

Dad loved flowers, that's why I bring a bouquet of all kinds of different ones. Carefully I place it down, before I go into a squatting position.

"Hey, Dad." I whisper quietly into the cool morning air.

I know exactly, what he would say now. _"You're up early, kiddo. You sick?"_

"Actually, I'm good, thanks. I came to talk to you."

_"What did you do?"_

"I'm going to ask Lexa to marry me." I tell him firmly. "I know, it's still early for us, but... She's the one."

I know, that he understands. Mum and he were together for two months, when he proposed. He always said: you'll know. 

And I do. 

"I have it all planned out. Where, when, how. It's just..." I search for the right words, while looking at his tombstone. "Mom gave me your ring. Well, she still has it, because Lexa's devious and sneaky as hell and I don't want her to find out and beat me to it. She'd do that, you know?"

Dad would smile at this. Really, really brightly.

"I wish, you could be here. I wish you could see it. She makes me happy, Dad, like really happy. And now I'm going home to tell Mom about my plan, so I hope, you’re there to watch out for me, because she’s going to go crazy.” I chuckle quietly, but the sound fades with the wind. Graveyards aren’t places of laughter, no matter how hard you try. 

After a few seconds of staring at the name, I press a kiss to my fingertips and brush the cold stone. “Bye, Dad.”

\---

When I pull into the driveway, it takes my mother full thirty seconds to open the front door. 

She wouldn’t admit it, but she’s lonely and whenever Aden’s at school, it’s even harder. I hope, she’ll start to work again soon, because she loves her job and it’s a distraction. It would be good for her. 

“Luna!” She takes the puppy from my hands, not even bothered by the dogs tongue all over her face. “God, she’s growing too fast!”

“You’re not going to say that about your grandchildren every time you see them, too, will you?” I tease, shaking my head in amusement, while I close the door of my car. 

Her eyes widen. “You’re-” 

“Nope. I was just speaking hypothetically. Besides, Mom, you’re a doctor. How’d you expect Lexa to get me pregnant?”

She pretends to think about it and after a few seconds, she says: “A woman can dream.” 

“Yeah.” I nod. “Hello to you too, by the way.”

“Hello, Clarke.” She answers. Then she takes Luna with her. 

I follow her inside with a smile on my lips. Maybe I should get her a puppy, too?

“So, to what do I owe that visit?” She asks, while she pours us to cups of coffee and we sit down on the couch.

“I came to see you.”

“And?”

“Why do I need a reason?”

“Because you’ve got that look in your eyes. And your fidgeting with the hem of your shirt. Stop doing that, by the way.” She tells me. “And it’s eight in the morning. So of course, there’s something you want to talk about.”

“I forgot I was talking to Sherlock.”

She chuckles. “If known you your whole life, sweetie.”

I point towards her necklace. “I need that.”

Mom frowns. “What?”

“The ring.” I say, not able to stop myself from grinning. “I'm going to propose.”

“Really?!” She squeals, imitating Raven perfectly, before she hugs me. “Clarke, that’s amazing! When? How? Do you have a plan yet?”

“I have. I thought about tomorrow night and I wanted to ask you for a favor. Could you babysit Luna?”

“Is that all I get?”

“Yeah. Because you can’t keep a secret.” 

“That’s not true!”

I raise both eyebrows and cross my arms. “Remember the one time, when I managed to find the first edition, Dad was looking for so long, for his birthday?”

She “accidently” told him over breakfast. How does that??

Mom sighs in defeat. “Not even a hint?”

“No.”

“And here I thought, being your Mom counts for something.” She fake-pouts, which only makes me laugh. She’s absolutely not good at this. “Fine. I’ll watch the dog.”

“Great. Thanks, Mom!”

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for the Feedback and for reading <3


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